The story must start with the MC waking up. That's correct. The biggest no-no in Feedback and Fragaments. You can either post your own or you can sedn it to me if you prefer a degree of anonymity.

Standard voting practice. Vote for favorite title and top three picks in teh order you liked them. We should get plenty of entries for this one. Prove that you can accomplish what others say is impossible and write a waking up opening that any editor would want to read.

Title: Daughter of Affliction (or Hija del aflicción -- based in part on this 2009 9-1-1 call.--> http://www.aztlan.net/minutemen_murders_911_call.htm )

###

A young girl, clutched at her mother's side, awoke with a start. Had it all been a dream, she wondered? "Mamá?!" she innocently pleaded, her words almost drowned by a gust of wind that rustled through the trees outside her family's home, a double-wide trailer in a small town in Arizona the 2000 U.S. census claimed to possess but 98 souls. A pot that had caught leaks from the storm had overturned in a melee the evening before, which soaked the floor, now red with blood from her father's crumpled, inanimate form. "Papi?!----" she called.

"Shh, mi hija!" tensely hushed her young raven-haired mother, alert to noises as might reveal that associates of Papi would return ---- as now Mamá clenched the handgun she had known he had stashed under their bedroom mattress. "Ohh---mye---gawd!"

[This message has been edited by Nathaniel Merrin (edited February 14, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Nathaniel Merrin (edited February 14, 2010).]

Bear in mind the point is (usually) to win the competition--in this case everyone is equally handicapped by having to use the waking cliche. You are further handicapping your chances of winning by doing another no-no (the infodump as you point out). I am not making a comment on the quality of your entry--you may wish to leave it as is--or you may wish to re-consider making the difficulty level higher for yourself.

Also if you examine previous competitions, entries are normally limited to the title and the intro only. Explanations, links, etc, are not required--your piece should stand on its own.

###

"Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped 'Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.' "

###

It's true that my "info dump" snippet clashed with the rest, some, though.... (For some usage pitfalls perhaps common within such old-style, flowery prose, see here.--> http://www.cwu.edu/~writingcenter/resources/handouts/new_imagery.pdf ) but even a cursory glance should find more wrong with what I'd written as "hookish" introduction than merely the CENSUS stuff; geez! when my [imaginary] "story's intro" contains too many modifiers and too stilted of language? not to mention too wordy of phrasal constructions and maybe even run-on sentences, for the contemporary audience, for the most part? (and no doubt would be considered "hackish" even for "pre-Modern Litt" audiences or those for Contemporary Romance, as well?); plus my use of the weather is rather a cheap, one-shot trick that probably couldn't be sustained through a whole piece, either?----or, perhaps it could be! hmm----THAT'S an idea! < winks >

(In truth, I think I could have handled my "info dump" better. It should have added something to the setting more than the factoid I chose. O well.)

[This message has been edited by Nathaniel Merrin (edited February 14, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Nathaniel Merrin (edited February 15, 2010).]

Then you can give a quick comment on each entry (what worked, what didn't) followed by your 1st, 2nd and 3rd choice. You can also separately vote for the best title (just the best one, NOT 1st, 2nd and 3rd).

Snapper stated the purpose of the competition as being 'write a waking up opening that any editor would want to read'. Unless snapper corrects me, I would assume this is the criteria to measure entries against. So an entry would need to establish a desire to read on despite the use of the cliche.