posted
Entry One: Title: Corpses smell worse in the Desert
Beaumont felt wonderful for a man meant to die in six days. No man meant to die in six days had, in fact, ever felt better. He smiled at the guard on his left. The guard on his left would die in six days. They passed an old man in a cell. The old man would die in five days: variety was the spice of life in Beaumont’s opinion. Then he saw another man, and when Beaumont saw him, his heart beat faster. A huge man; a huge man who had killed! Beaumont decided he should die in five days… Beaumont’s power simply bounced off. It had happened before with the very weak of mind. Beaumont was not worried, what harm could an idiot do? His guiding spirit though was silent
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 14, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 14, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 14, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 14, 2008).]
“Peas and corn always go good with death” Beaumont grinned and added “but you have to have gravy”.
“That’s funny, Beau” Wendell wrapped his giant hands around the bars and pulled his face half way through. His dirty blue shirt was buttoned wrong and barely tucked in. “Tell me the story again, Beau. Tell me how you’re not gonna die.”
There was an hour and four minutes to his execution. Beaumont had time. He placed his fork and knife neatly along the edge of the plate and stood slowly. He walked across the cell and wrapped his hands around Wendell’s. “Tonight, Wendell,” his eyes were wild and alive, “tonight I will start by dying.”
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 14, 2008).]
Snake kept an eye on the guard while he swished the wet mop on the floor. We waited until for the yawning guard’s chin to fall. “Here ya go,” he said, while pulling out the wad of hair and a small swatch of torn clothing. “This is Sergeant Dupree’s.” Pierre Beaumont reached for the items and smiled. The bright white teeth on his dark face added to his eerie qualities. “Ah, verry good, mon.” Snake leaned into his bars and spoke low. “Hey, you spook. When are you going to start paying me off? I’m risking my ass here.” Pierre’s smile faded. He enlarged his eyes and stared at Snake. Snake crumbled and fell to the floor. “Snakes belong on their belly.” Snake lifted his head and his tongue slither out. “That’s better, mon.
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 14, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 14, 2008).]
Russell's eyes narrowed when he spotted the bare, wrinkled foot sticking out from under the bunk. As much as he liked the old trickster, it was hard to maintain a sense of humor with an inmate after the fifth or sixth escape attempt.
“Come on Mack," he said, hoping to avoid a struggle, "I can see you, so you might as well get back in bed."
There was no response, which was out of character for Mack. Russell took one step toward the bunk and stopped abruptly.
"Did you dump your slop jar again? I swear, I should just pull you out and...Mack?" He grabbed the foot and started to pull.
posted
Entry 5: Title: The Risen Army of the Choking Hand
It was awfully hot and muggy, even before the sun was too much over the treetops. Russel led four filthy sweaty prisoners, carrying shovels before his horse, from the cemetery back to the gate to Parcham Prison Farm. A dozen other prisoners and two mounted guards waited with the wagon carrying a plain pine box, the coffin of a prisoner, Henry Drury "The graves dug, open it up. I want to see inside," said Russell. The prisoners muttered and shook their heads. "Open the damned casket, peckerheads. Best be more afraid of Black Annie, than some voodoo nonsense." Russell put his hand on the three-foot-long leather strap at his waist. Snake pried open the casket and gasped. There was no body inside, only rocks and burlap.
The bridge of his brow hit the viewing glass hard, splitting the flesh along the ridge of Beaumont's face neatly and with a satisfying splash of hot crimson. The man felt his eyesight darken, then the world spin harshly as he slid limp to the floor. Johns let him fall, staring out into the prison commons courtyard beyond the bulletproof glass, where his fellow guards were being mercilessly shredded.
Recovering, he planted his steel-toed boot into Beaumont's midsection. The man heaved from the impact, spewing bile across the floor. "What the hell have you done, jackal?!" Johns hissed, grabbing the inmate's dreadlocks and jerking his neck. His fury doubled when Beaumont just let loose a bloodied grin.
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 14, 2008).]
The feel of cold steel around Russell's wrists was replaced by an arm full of new uniform. "Your daddy's money in the right pocket just saved you from becoming some con's poke, boy." The warden drawled. "Yes, sir." Russell's surprise ran two ways; his father knowing where to find him and caring enough to intervene. Figuring out how to survive in this prison hellhole became his foremost priority. Hard work and privation had kept Russell's slight frame lean and wiry. The depression had taught him street smarts. Friends he gathered like cockleburs on a dog but that would come later. First, he planned simply to find the biggest baddest con in the joint and pummel him into the ground.
Beaumont smiled gleefully as the old man sank to his knees, gasping for breath and grabbing his throat. The men standing behind him stared in shocked disbelief as the light escaped the old man's eyes and his lifeless body sank to the floor. Beaumont reached through the bars that divided gen pop with death row and placed a crudely constructed clay pot on the corpse's chest, he spoke softly and sealed the lid with the wax of a single greasy candle he had fashioned from shoe wax.
Beaumont picked up the jar and he looked distantly at the vessel. At some length, he spoke simply: "There is no turning back now, gentlemen. Take the body, and make sure to leave it somewhere it will be seen."
The men collected the body and dragged it out of the hallway.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 16, 2008).]
posted
Entry 9 Title: A Zombie in the Sun The sun beat down on the backs of the prisoners in the yard. It bleached the plants and the prisoner's coveralls until everything residing between cement walls was gray and faded. The heat was making Russell crazy. He focused on the prisoners and slowly counted heads again. "Damn." He whispered. Four convicts where missing. Russell pulled his walkie-talkie from his belt next to his '45. "Carl, we got a problem." Russell said quietly into the receiver. Russell waited, as silence and static were his reply. The guard was missing from his post. Russell pushed back his panic and the image of a coffin full of rocks. He had to find the Warden. This wasn't some ordinary escape attempt. Something strange was going on. Posts: 195 | Registered: Feb 2008
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Snake slowly backed against the cold steel bars that separated him from freedom. He slid his hands through the openings and Russell greeted them with the clasping of handcuffs. Snake had earned special privileges for his cooperation over the years, but Russell knew better than to trust him. Nearly all of the prison’s contraband filed through Snake. He was never secretive about it. In fact, Russell could see a doll resting on the window sill. Russell entered the cell and grabbed the ten-inch doll, and noticed it was wearing a miniature prison guard uniform. “Looks like you,” said Snake, with a smirk. “About your height, too.”
A screech echoed across the prison graveyard as Wendell pried out the last nail. He stepped back, cradling the crowbar in his arms, and looked at Russell. Russell held his breath and fought down a wave of nausea as he bent to slide the lid off the coffin. Russell told himself he was just doing his job. Verify there's a body in there before burial. No big deal. He nudged the lid and peeked inside. Rocks. Russell stood up slowly, glanced at Wendell and the other inmate poised to start digging, then turned to stare at the buildings clustered behind the tall barbed-wire fence. Their outlines blurred as dust whipped up by the hot wind made his eyes water. So where was the old man who died this morning?
Like a shadow seeking respite from the light, Beaumont entered my prison, and for the first time, I truly knew the meaning of the word fear. Cockroaches poured from the cuffs of his trousers and spread before him like a carpet on which only the dead could have walked. From across the aisle, our eyes met and I was the first to turn. In that one failure, he knew I feared him, and that scared me all the more, for fear was how his magic worked. Somehow though, I still gathered myself. “Pierre Beaumont, as you know, you have been sentenced to death.”
He stopped before me, and made a show of pulling his sleeves down over his wrists, as the roaches scattered from beneath him. “Why boy, Death is just the beginning.”
Pierre Beaumont came to St. Adelaide's to die. At least, thats what the state prison board said when they sent him. In the two weeks since he arrived, Russell Jones and the other guards had tried to do their duty, despite the growing dread they all felt that there was something wrong about that man, something... un-Christian. Russell was babysitting the work duty crew again today, damn the luck. It was hot--Alabama hot--his daddy would say. But at least he wasn't swinging a pick with the prisoners. And at least he was a good half mile or so from that voodoo priest, Beaumont. Tomorrow, Beaumont would meet his maker--whoever that was--and the world would be free of him. Some of the prisoners truly believed that some black magic would intervene, but the chair
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 16, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 16, 2008).]
posted
Entry 14 Title: And the Trumpet Shall Sound "Deep enough, Boss?" Wendell looked up at Russell from the bottom of the grave. "It'll do," the young guard said. "Climb outta there." D***n, Pops is gonna be ripe in the heat. "Snake. You gotta few words for Pops? Git over here--you're hogging all the shade." Snake inched forward, open Bible in hand. "And the trumpet--" "Just a sec." The cons were always dreaming up escape plans, some a lot stupider than other. "Wendell, peek in the box for me. Make sure Pops ain't got no company." "No, sir, Boss." The rest of the crew muttered their agreement. None would risk waking the dead, no matter what Russell ordered. "I don't want no haunt following me."
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 16, 2008).]
A soft hum filled the room as Russell flicked the switch, engaging the generators and beginning the charge for the conduits. Beaumont’s throaty laughter rasped like a blade running across a barber strap. He sat shackled in his prison stripes, head hung low, the shoulders of his wiry frame rising and falling with each grave chuckle. “Eyy, boyah.” Beaumont said with a deep Cajun accent. He raised his eyes and gave Russell a cock-eyed look. “Ya tinkin’ dis ‘ere will save ya boyah’?” His dark laughter began again. Outside, over the drone of the generators, the voices of the dead rose. They blended with the voodoo man’s cackle into a symphony of the Damned that dropped Russel’s heart to the pit of his stomach.Russell bit his tongue and swallowed back the bile that rose in his throat. He rapped
The Great Plains took the worst of the drought, but even in Alabama, the fields beyond the train window were brown. A spider lay dead on the window ledge, its legs curled around the dry husk of its body. Dead, like the fields. Pierre Beaumont smiled. There was power in death. The sweating, tan-clad sheriff sitting across the aisle shifted uneasily, then leaned in to check the shackles binding Pierre's hands. The smile slipped. The shackles didn't matter. Neither did the prison to which the train and the sheriff were taking him. Pierre raised a shackled hand towards the window. Slowly, impossibly, the spider's legs uncurled. It righted itself and began to walk along the ledge. The sheriff gasped. Pierre felt his smile return. No, the shackles didn't matter at all.
Best Title: Entry 7 Death Without Possibility of Parole
1st: Entry 16 Death Penalty
2nd: Entry 14 And the Trumpet Shall Sound
3rd: Entry 1 Corpses smell worse in the Desert
Entry One: Title: Corpses smell worse in the Desert
A little hooky. I did like how he inventoried the people around him and deciding when there time was up.
Entry 2 Title: Dying to Live
It starts a little slow but I did find it somewhat hooky. I liked Wendell in this one.
Entry 3: Title: Prisoner 8734
I didn’t like this title and this had grammar issues. I did like the “Snakes belong on their belly” line. Is Pierre supposed to be Jamaican Clean it up and it might have gone somewhere.
Entry 4: untitled
This didn’t look like an opening but rather the start of the second or third scene. I wasn’t hooked.
Entry 5: Title: The Risen Army of the Choking Hand
This would have been better if the first sentence was cut. Mildly hooky without it.
Entry 6: TITLE: Dead Man's Requiem
That first sentence was just a little too poetic for my taste. I don’t know who these people are and why I should care about them at this point. It’s well written but doesn’t hook me.
Entry 7 Title: Death Without Possibility of Parole
I loved this title, in contention for best title for me. I didn’t like the opening however. I just couldn’t find it likely that the new guard would be out to start a fight with the biggest guy in prison just to prove himself.
Entry 8 Title: Stacking the Chips
I found this interesting. I did wonder who Beaumont was speaking to however. I would imagine that deathrow inmates would be isolated. How he could have followers so close is a mystery to me at this point.
Entry 9 Title: A Zombie in the Sun
I did find this interesting except I do not believe walkie-talkies were around in the 30’s. They weren’t made until transistors came about. It had a shot if it wasn’t for that.
Entry 10 Title: The Rising Discord of the Condemned
I’m kind of hooked. Don’t know enough about the characters to be completely pulled me in. This looks like it belongs on page two or three.
Entry 11 Title: Get Out of Jail Free
Amusing title. Best prose so far. That last line I have mixed feelings about. I would imagine panic and a suspected jailbreak would be the first thing on any guards mind when he saw a coffin full of rocks.
Entry 12 Title: The South Will Rise Again
Good title. I am grossed out by the image of cockroaches. That was probably the author’s intention but it didn’t work as a hook for me.
Entry 13 Title: Parole for the Dead
Not a bad way to start a novella length story but as it hook it fails to pull me in. I did like the “un-christian” line. Nice job.
Entry 14 Title: And the Trumpet Shall Sound
A nice title. I liked this one. It hooked me. Nice visual, great dialog.
Entry 15 Title: Nekromantia
A little too poetic, the dialog doesn’t quite work for me. Never the less, I did like the visual of the electric chair warming up. That made it hook for me.
Entry 16 Title: Death Penalty
A pretty good title. I really liked this. A great place to start. The resurrecting spider worked great. The author showed how dangerous and creepy Pierre was in these short 13 lines perfectly. A wonderful job.
posted
Entry 17 -- too late! but I thought everyone would like to see it, anyway.
Title: Mercy Did Not Become Him
Witchcraft be damned, he would do this with his hands. “Honey, I'm sorry,” his wife cried, huddled in the corner of her lover's house. She dug at the floor with her feet, pushing away from Beaumont. “Oh, I would be too.” He took another step towards her, slowly squatting to her level. He caught her eye, tightened his jaw, and took a long, slow breath. One by one, her fingers snapped backwards. She cried out, screamed, kicked, and squirmed under the pain, but she never looked away. “No,” He said, closing his eyes. Her legs stopped kicking, and her body sunk to the floor. “No, I'll do this with my hands.” NOOO!!!
posted
Best Title: Parole for the Dead 1st Pick: Death Penalty 2nd Pick: The Rising Discord of the Condemned 3rd Pick: Parole for the Dead
1. Corpses Smell Worse in the Desert Choppy writing, no hook and too much redundancy.
3. Prisoner 8374 The got stuck on the title... it changed how I feel about the writing. Cheesy dialogue and no hook.
4. Untitled I neither liked nor disliked this one. No hook.
5. The Risen Army of the Choking Hand A little hooky but the working in the first sentence made me think Russel was going to carry the shovels and then carry the horse. LOL
6. Dead Man's Requiem The word 'requiem' just doesn't fit with a zombie book to me. I don't think you can spew bile from a few kicks... it's a liver fluid. No Hook.
7. Death Without the Possibility of Parole What the h*** is a cocklebur and why do dogs gather them? It's a cool word but it throws the reader out of the story. There is no continuity in the flow of each sentence and there is no hook.
8. Stacking the Chips A lot of cliche like 'smiled gleefully' and 'shocked disbelief'. I didn't get hooked. I did love the last bit of dialogue!
9. A Zombie in the Sun I don't think there were walkie-talkies during the depression. I did get a little hooked.
10. The Rising Discord of the Condemned Way too much title. Very rich character development! I was pretty hooked.
11. Get out of Jail Free This was my second favorite title. Nice hook and I liked the flow.
12. The South Will Rise Again I like the first person POV and the last line is great. It hooked me. Maybe a little too purple-prose(ish).
13. Parole For the Dead The title had me hooked. It was a very telling title that had a little paradox... I liked it a lot. The use of 'un-christian' was great and showed the view of the characters in that time period. I LOVED 'alabama hot'. That made me feel the heat and opressing humidity... way to go on that one! 'At Least' was redundant and the last sentence did not seem complete... 'but the chair'???
14. And the Trumpet Shall Sound I got stuck on the title. It sounds like a cheesy christian book title. I like the dialogue but a pinch too colloquial for me. I was not hooked.
15. Nekromantia I tripped over the colloquial dialogue... it wasn't bad but threw the timing off while reading. I was very aware of reading and not 'in' the story because of it. Why does everyone use bile? Try using 'lunch' or 'the ham sandwich'... bile is cliche and not very accurate. I might have been hooked but I think some of the last sentence was omitted.
16. Death Penalty I don't like anything zombie but I would read this book. I was hooked very well, the spider was the perfect thing to show that death had no power... I just loved it. One criticism... I did not like the line 'the smile slipped'. It felt incomplete.
posted
Entry one. I like this one. my only issue is if he is scared of wendell, he then forgets his fear really quickly. I'd think that his magic doesn't work on him would scare him more. It seemed to me like you uped the stakes by making beaumount who can point and click peoples deaths, is scared, and then under cut all you work by him dismissing Wendell.
Entry two. Should have started with wendell's dialouge, the carrots and peas thing didn't work for me, but the rest was fine.
Entry three's first sentances were confusing to me. It felt rushed.
Entry four I like how you portrayed Russell. good
Entry five the title makes no sense to me, How do hands choke? The writing is awesome though. Great place to start, and i like how you introduced the voodoo right away. One of my favorites definitly.
Entry six I like that you start with Beaumont being beat up, it makes him more sympathetic, and then when he bloodied grins, he starts to scare me. I was kinda confused on where in the story this takes place.
Entry seven Good title, but the writing needs to be more grounded. kind of info dumpy at the end.
Entry eight I love the first sentence and how you use shoe wax and crude clay pots to kill old man. The magic has flaws and therefore is possible, its not just wiggling you nose and someone dies, which is good cause what if beaumount sneezed, down goes the country. Great job, one of my favs.
Entry nine. I think someone needed to read the synopsis a little closer, the walkie talkie thing through me too. but good job anyway, if the story was set in the current era this would be one of my favs.
Entry ten. Is good, the doll is a strong hook for me. Really good
Entry eleven has a funny title, good writing, my only issue, is if it is prison protical to check if there is a body, why would they nail the coffin shut?
Entry twelve In that one failure, he knew I feared him, and that scared me all the more, for fear was how his magic worked Great line. Pierre's dialouge, though, reads with a southern accent, not french.
Entry thirteen great voice. The prose has a folks quality that is interesting.
Entry fourteen is fine. I feel kinda ho hum about it. I like the line I dont want no haunt following me, but over all it feels like you spend all your time introducing russell as kind of a jerk who the prisoners don't respect.
Entry fifteen is creepy. Your dialouge works great. I don't want to turn the page because I am already scared, but I would with my fingers trembling. Great job, definitly one of my favorites.
Entry sixteen. I like the shackles and the spiders, but the point and click ressurection didn't work for me.
My picks
Entry 15 Nekromantia Entry 13 Parole for the dead Entry 8 Stacking the Chips Best title The Rising Discord of the Condemned
posted
A lot of really good ideas on where to start this story. I think there are a number of different stories to be told here, based on the common synopsis. Overall, the quality of the writing was excellent. I highlighted five entries the first time I read through them and it was a difficult decision to narrow it down to three.
1st Pick: Entry 16 Title: Death Penalty 2rd Pick: Entry 14 Title: And the Trumpet Shall Sound 3rd Pick: Entry 8 Title: Stacking the Chips
Best Title: Entry 7 Title: Death Without Possibility of Parole
Comments:
Entry 1 Title: Corpses smell worse in the Desert I loved the mix of irreverent tone with the seriousness of the subject matter in the first paragraph. However, the second paragraph should be edited to be more fluid – it reads kind of choppy. And by the end, I'm not sure what's happening. I don’t know what "his power bounced off" means. I can't picture what is supposed to be happening here.
Entry 2 Title: Dying to Live Creepy! Makes Beaumont a bit Hannibal Lecter-ish. The intended hook is "...start by dying", but Beaumont has been presented so dynamically, I want to keep reading if only to find out more about the character. Bit of a problem with setting – not clear if Beaumont and Wendell are in the same cell?
Entry 3 Title: Prisoner 8734 The second sentence makes no sense. There are a few more grammatical issues, as well. More proofreading!!! I'm having difficulty picturing what's going on. Snake’s mopping... Snake's giving Beaumont some odd items... Snake's been transformed into a snake? Slow down a bit and focus on painting a clear image of the scene.
Entry 4: untitled Nothing technically wrong (except for a lack of title!). Prose is good and the action is clearly expressed. However, it just doesn't interest me. There's a mild curiosity as to who/what is under the bed, but the rest is just too matter-of-fact. It's well written, but the hook ain't there.
Entry 5: Title: The Risen Army of the Choking Hand Call me juvenile, but "choking hand" makes me think of masturbation. Sorry . Ahem... I strongly disliked the first sentence - it could be tightened up. I was a confused by the next few lines - Russell is coming back from the cemetery, but the coffin is at the prison? I had to read it twice before I understood what was happening. But once past that, things improved. The dialogue was good, and the hook about "voodoo nonsense" is interesting.
Entry 6: TITLE: Dead Man's Requiem I have no idea what's going on. What is a "viewing glass"? Who's brow hit it? Who is "satisfied" by the "splash of hot crimson"? There's way too much going on. I feel assaulted by the violence. When it comes to blood and bile, subtlety is usually much more frightening than excess.
Entry 7 Title: Death Without Possibility of Parole Clever title. Not sure about "arm full of new uniform". The last paragraph feels like you're telling us what's going to happen over the next few months, but then you kind of say 'nevermind that just yet' and jump back to the present. Not much of a hook. Enjoyed the line "friends he gathered like cockleburs on a dog"
Entry 8 Title: Stacking the Chips Good prose for the most part, but watch out for adverb/adjective abuse and cliche ("smiled gleefully", "shocked disbelief", "lifeless body"). And "gen pop", feels like slang from OZ. Despite these points, the idea is good - the clay pot and candle are the hook, and would keep me reading.
Entry 9 Title: A Zombie in the Sun "We had joy, we had fun, we had zombies in the sun...". Overall a really good effort. Well written, but proofread it again ("where"). The mention of a coffin full of rocks would make me scratch my head, as this came from out of the blue. The last line kills this. Don’t tell us something strange is going on!!! The rest of the story should be about showing us strange things going on.
Entry 10 Title: The Rising Discord of the Condemned Clear, well written and a good hook. Not much else I can say. Good job.
Entry 11 Title: Get Out of Jail Free Very nice atmosphere. A bit confused as to whether the "screech" was somebody screaming, or just a sound. Wendell is mentioned first, so I thought it might be his POV, but it actually becomes Russell's POV. A good attempt to develop Russell’s character, but could be a bit stronger.
Entry 12 Title: The South Will Rise Again With the cockroaches, I’m not sure if this is the character's fantasy, a metaphor or if it's actually happening. That put me a bit off balance, but not enough to kill the story. Despite the heavy, melodramatic prose, it's intriguing enough to hook me.
Entry 13 Title: Parole for the Dead Feels a bit distant. A decent attempt to portray Russell as a simple good ol' boy, but there’s just not enough depth of place or character to emotionally involve me. I didn’t feel the hook.
Entry 14 Title: And the Trumpet Shall Sound Vivid! It feels like I'm there. I don't know that there's an "in your face" hook here, but it doesn't matter. The prose is good enough and the setting/characters are interesting enough to make me continue reading.
Entry 15 Title: Nekromantia The first sentence makes this feel like sci-fi. This may be jarring when we find out later this is set in the 1930's. Granted, that's a bias from knowing the synopsis ahead of time, but make sure to be consistent with setting (place, time, etc.). I didn't like the 'dialect'. I find Cajun/Creole to be the hardest US accent to understand and it isn't much easier in writing. As for content, too much happening too soon… feels like it's starting at a climax.
Entry 16 Title: Death Penalty Very nice. A simple and effective beginning. I'm pulled into the story and want to keep reading. A few minor issues with the prose ("Neither did the prison to which the train and the sheriff were taking him" feels awkward), but well written overall.
posted
Best title ying to live First fav:13 Second fav:2 Third fav:8 ************** Entry 1 - Beaumont is an odd choice for the POV. I often enjoy stories that start by foretelling the future
Entry 2 - A lot of people don't like stories that start with dialogue, but I do. I wanted to keep on reading.
Entry 3 - I had to reread it a couple times. Some of the language was confusing. Double check grammar and punctuation, if it's off, it pulls me right out of the story (see 2nd sentence as an example).
Entry 4 -Good read, but I am unsure where it is going. I would keep reading, though...
Entry 5 - Needs a little work. Lost me in the first sentence. Not too bad, but I would prefer if the action wasn't told to us.
Entry 6 - Starting right in the action! Not bad, but I got confused what character is which. Through whose POV is this being told?
Entry 7 - Decent hook; I would keep reading.
Entry 8 -I like it. I got stuck on "gen pop" for 10 seconds before I figured it out (maybe I'm just slow, but it may not be common enough of a term to use). I'd keep reading.
Entry 9 -Coulda won except for a couple things. Walkie talkies in the 30s? I wasn't alive back then, but I doubt they were around for prison guards. The last sentence I could do without. Nice job, though.
Entry 11 - Not too bad... I'd keep on reading.
Entry 12 - Also not bad. 1st person... Is this told through Russell or the head of the prison (whatever that title is called)? I'd keep on reading.
Entry 13 - I like it. The term "un-Christian" could probably be replaced with a positive form of the word (demonic, satanic, etc.)
Entry 14 - I'm a fan of dialogue. There was a decent hook, but I would be reading hoping it would start going a little more of somewhere.
Entry 15 - Decent hook. Be careful with the slang dialogue. I think the accent carried through okay, but often it reads a little different in the readers head than intended.
Entry 16 - The hook was a little round-about, but I'd keep on reading. I like the starting point and the content.
posted
Best title: Death Without Possibility of Parole 1st place: Entry 16 - Death Penalty 2nd place: Entry 14 - And the Trumpet Shall Sound 3rd place: Entry 7 - Death Without Possibility of Parole
Thoughts:
Entry 1: I like the nonchalant way he's predicting everyones death. "with the very weak of mind." didn't really work for me. Maybe "the weak-minded"? A hint of a hook.
Entry 2: Funny opening line, but I'm not sure I get the sense of menace or power I would expect from a character with power over life and death. Not much conflict hinted at here.
Entry 3: Grammar problems in the second section trip me up unfortunately. Also, 4 characters intro'd that quick is a little confusing. I liked this: “Snakes belong on their belly.”
Entry 4: Your hook is depending on us caring about whether Mack is alive or dead. I'm not sure I do.
Entry 5: I like the title. Second sentence is clunky, made me stop a second. The hook is the mystery of the missing body I suppose. For some reason the body missing didn't feel all that important to me.
Entry 6: Good action, but some confusion for me about who was doing what. Not sure theres a hook here. Also, can you "let loose" a grin?
Entry 7: Awesome title. Good hint of conflict. I'm not sure the POV description of the main character is believable.
Entry 8: Good prose, well worded. Unfortunately I was somewhat confused about the details. I dont know what this means: "he looked distantly at the vessel"
Entry 9: Good imagery at the beginning, paints a clear picture. This part made me feel like the MC knew something I didn't: "This wasn't some ordinary escape attempt. Something strange was going on."
Entry 10: Hmm, whose POV is this? Not sure the last sentence works. Maybe a little repetitive.
Entry 11: Clearly defined mystery/conflict/hook. Shows good tension, stakes are high.
Entry 12: Cool scene after a couple readings, but first time through it confused me. Did Beaumont arrive at the prison alone, making a grand entrance with all his powers etc.? Where are the guards escorting him? Also, for me, throwing something magical (bugs etc.) in so fast without framing it is a little much.
Entry 14: This one's good. I like the dialect, doesn't get distracting. A hint of a hook with the thought that there might me something funny going on in the coffin. Good job.
Entry 15: There's a lot of plot expended here in the first 13. A little wordy, and I'm not a fan of dialect like that, slows me down.
Entry 16: Nice work. Great imagery. The spider scene is great. I feel for that guard. Good hook because you know theres much more to come from Beaumont than a mere spider.
First Pick: No. 16 Death Penalty Second Pick: No. 4 Untitled Third Pick: No. 5 The Risen Army of the Chocking Hand
Why:
No. 16 - This really gave me a chill. This man is both powerful and evil and it was so beautifully written.
No 4 - This is an interesting peice where you get a sense of Russel who is a nice guy and really cares, but can only forgive so much, and Mack who is playing a game, so much so that when Mack stops playing you feel something is wrong.
No 5 - I don't know why I liked this one over similar ones, maybe because the hook is stated matter-of-factly and therefore for me was more effective.
posted
Title – Parole for the Dead 1st – 16 – Death Penalty By far the best prose. Gave a great sense of menace. Well done. 2nd – 11 – Get out of Jail Free 3rd - 8 – Stacking the Chips
[This message has been edited by sephina (edited April 17, 2008).]
posted
I had a hard time making my pick. I thought everyone was pretty good, and depending on your spin of the tale, were ample beginnings to this story. I chose the three I felt most interested in and that flowed the best.
Best Title: The South will Rise again
1sT: A zombie in the Sun 2nd: The south Will Rise Again 3rd: Parole for the Dead
Entry One: Title: Corpses smell worse in the Desert
I loved Beaumont’s complacent tone and his dismissal of Wendell’s immunity to magic. Great idea.
Entry 2 Title: Dying to Live Another good place to start. I just finished reading Of Mice and Men though, so the similarity to Lenny’s “tell me about the rabbits” didn’t work for me. .
Entry 3: Title: Prisoner 8734
This one had an interesting concept, but the trouble with the P.O.V. and grammar made it difficult to understand.
Entry 5: Title: The Risen Army of the Choking Hand
I agree that this would be better without the first sentence. It gives the impression that Russell is a jerk, though, which makes it hard for me to engage with him as a protagonist.
Entry 6: TITLE: Dead Man's Requiem
I like how vivid the language is, but it feels over-the-top when I’m reading it. It might be too early for me to get into such poetic description of gore.
Entry 7 Title: Death Without Possibility of Parole
I liked the idea of starting with Russel’s first day on the job, but the first sentence confused me. I enjoyed the dialogue and immediate conflict between Russell and the warden. I couldn’t believe that he would go directly from prisoner to guard, though, without any time outside the prison.
Entry 8 Title: Stacking the Chips
Scary and engaging. The “gen pop” reference confused me a bit, as did some of the grammar in the last two sentences. I wonder what all the guards were doing at this point, but I’d be willing to read on and find out.
Entry 9 Title: A Zombie in the Sun
I loved this! I would have picked this for my second choice if it weren’t for the reference to walkie-talkies. Excellent mood, pace, etc., though I wonder whether there would be a better way to shorten the second sentence of description. It might even be possible to cut out the whole first two sentences and start with the heat driving Russell crazy.
Entry 10 Title: The Rising Discord of the Condemned
I really liked this entry. There weren’t any big surprises, but the prose was good, and it characterized Snake, Russell, and Beaumont (albeit indirectly) all in one go.
Entry 11 Title: Get Out of Jail Free
Excellent prose. I had trouble figuring out the point of view, but I think I was the only one with that problem.
Entry 12 Title: The South Will Rise Again
I loved the title and was hooked by the melodramatic prose. Somehow the use of the cockroaches, though disgusting and terrifying, was less off-putting to me than descriptions of blood and gore. Emotionally engaging.
Entry 14 Title: And the Trumpet Shall Sound
I liked the visual impact and dialogue of this one, though the dialect was a little heavy for me. I could’ve used a tag on the last line, though, so that it could be clear that Wendell had said it and not another prisoner or the crowd in general.
Entry 15 Title: Nekromantia
The image of the electric chair being started up really hooked me, but the last two lines were a bit too melodramatic even for me. Maybe it was the capitalization of “Damned” that made me feel this way, but they threw me out of the story.
Entry 16 Title: Death Penalty
This stood out from the rest in every way. Calling the spider’s body a “husk” right after a reference to the dead agricultural fields was a subtle and effective connection. I like how it didn’t begin with a “big moment” from the plot summary, but still foreshadowed everything that was going to happen and established Pierre’s character. Let me know when this one hits the shelves
posted
Another tough week to pick, so many good ones. I am still regretting not going with my first title choice "Brains anyone?"
My picks:
Best Title - Entry 9: A Zombie in the Sun Campy but, zombies always are. 1st choice - Entry 10: The Rising Discard of the Condemned - Good hook, but not over done - and the voodoo doll the signaature of voodoo. 2nd choice - Entry 16: Death Penalty Well written and creepy 3rd choice - Entry 3: Prisoner 8734 - My favorite over all, a snake beongs on his belly, instant classic, had to be dropped to position 3 for editing though.
I felt the title failed. There are no deserts in the South. There felt like a lot of repetition to me in this piece.
Title: Dying to Live
I liked the first line a lot.
Title: Prisoner 8734
I liked the scene, but the dialogue felt off a little.
Entry 4: untitled Felt good
Entry 5: Title: The Risen Army of the Choking Hand
Good title. A little clunky but the scene is good and puts you in the period well. Sentence mechanics need improvement.
TITLE: Dead Man's Requiem
Great prose. Penalty for the dreads in prison. They were around in the thirties, but there is no way they would be in a Southern prison. Perhaps an anal pick, but I feel the need to be in period for period pieces. This is one of the best however.
Title: Death Without Possibility of Parole
Nice piece. I like the scene. Good prose. Top pick
Title: Stacking the Chips
One of the better. Gen Pop= general population? That threw me. First thirteen, not a good place to throw in confusing lingo. I thought this was really good though.
Title: A Zombie in the Sun
The technology for walkie talkies was being developed in the thirties, by the forties they had them, but they were backpacks. Points off for that, but otherwise I really liked this. Good action.
Title: The Rising Discord of the Condemned
The writing seemed great, but the hook element was missing in my opinion. If I had not read the synopsis, I would have not picked up on the fact that it was probably a voodoo doll.
Title: Get Out of Jail Free
I felt that the questions were directed at me in this one. I said aloud “I dunno”
Title: The South Will Rise Again
Good Title. I liked the change of POV. I liked the directness of the first person narrative.The dialogue of the last line could be improved, but I really liked this one.
Title: Parole for the Dead
I will separate from the other comments on this one. The two mentioned quotes( “Alabama hot” and “un-Christian”) that received some disapproval, to me, seemed to tie this into region, and period for me. In fact, I thought this was one of the better pieces,
Title: And the Trumpet Shall Sound I like that this started in dialogue, and got to the speculative element. I can also tell that this would have a clear destination—that is to say that I feel a lot of thought went into this one, with the bible passage having some deeper meaning in the story. Since it is late in the voting I will speculate that this is the Ops.
Title: Nekromantia
I couldn’t keep up with the dialect. I got the picture, but it was hard to read.
Title: Death Penalty
Good prose, but something didn’t feel right to me on this. Perhaps it is due to the fact that it is in the Antagonist POV. The train made me think 3:10 to Yuma.
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I think it's a good idea to spam the open discussions board with advertisements to vote, that's the only reason I even discovered this little forum at the bottom.
Posts: 187 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Should we let everyone know the polls are still open or do we consider them closed as of last night?
Posts: 1168 | Registered: Mar 2008
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This is kathyon's rodeo to run, right? I'm still waiting to here from her when the voting deadline is.
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I would say if you haven't voted and want to go ahead and do so. If the Moderator feels compelled not to count it, that is their perrogative, but as a previous mod, I do not see why not as the contestants have yet to be announced.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 21, 2008).]
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My plane landed last night at midnight -- if I can get the tally done over my lunch break, I'll post it, otherwise, this evening. I imagine everyone who wanted to vote has done so. I'd say the polls are now closed.
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My personal votes: Fav 1: entry 16 Fav 2: entry 8 Fav 3: entry 11 Title: Death without . . Parole
Contestants names, entries, and the unofficial exit polling: entry 1: Grant John : 1 3rd place vote entry 2: Grex 42: 1 2nd place vote: 1 title vote entry 3: Snapper: 1 3rd place vote entry 4: oblomova: 1 2nd place vote entry 5: Bent tree: 1 3rd place vote entry 6: Rhaythne: 1 2nd place vote entry 7: sephina: 1 3rd place vote: 4 title votes entry 8: spindle: 4 3rd place votes: 1 2nd place vote entry 9: Shimiqua: 1 1st place vote: 2 title votes entry 10: psnede: 1 1st place vote: 1 2nd place vote: 1 3rd place vote: 1 title vote entry 11 jeff M: 1 2nd place vote: 1 3rd place vote entry 12: Tiergan: 2 2nd place votes: 2 title votes entry 13: alliedfive: 2 1st place votes: 1 2nd place vote: 3 3rd place votes: 2 title votes entry 14: kathyton: 1 1st place vote: 3 2nd place votes: 1 title vote entry 15: Devnal: 1 1st place vote entry 16: J : 7 1st place votes, 1 2nd place vote
ENTRY 17: JustinProse Late entry -- too late for votes
I'll figure out the points totals and post the official winners this evening. I'm happy to see that everyone found an audience (and received at least one vote). That's nice. Zombies are so conciliatory.
Now I've calculated the point totals. Congrats to "Captain Hook," J for Death Penalty Sephina's title Death without possiblity of parole was the most popular title
TOTAL POINTS (point totals doesn't count title wins) entry 1: Grant John : 1 3rd place vote 1 entry 2: Grex 42: 1 2nd place vote: 1 title vote 2 entry 3: Snapper: 1 3rd place vote 1 entry 4: oblomova: 1 2nd place vote 2 entry 5: Bent tree: 1 3rd place vote 1 entry 6: Rhaythne: 1 2nd place vote 2 entry 7: sephina: 1 3rd place vote: 4 title votes 1 entry 8: spindle: 4 3rd place votes: 1 2nd place vote 6 entry 9: shimiqua: 2 title votes: 1 1st place vote 3 entry 10: psnede: 1 1st place vote: 1 2nd place vote: 1 3rd place vote: 1 title vote 6 entry 11 jeff M: 1 2nd place vote: 1 3rd place vote 3 entry 12: Tiergan: 2 2nd place votes: 2 title votes 4 entry 13: alliedfive: 2 1st place votes: 1 2nd place vote: 10 entry 14: kathyton: 1 1st place vote: 3 2nd place votes: 1 title vote 9 entry 15: Devnal: 1 1st place vote 3 entry 16: J : 7 1st place votes, 1 2nd place vote 23
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 22, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited April 23, 2008).]
quote:Title: And the Trumpet Shall Sound I like that this started in dialogue, and got to the speculative element. I can also tell that this would have a clear destination—that is to say that I feel a lot of thought went into this one, with the bible passage having some deeper meaning in the story. Since it is late in the voting I will speculate that this is the Ops
Man, I'm getting good
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 23, 2008).]
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Congrats to the winners. You're not going to make me clean up the roaches that my Beaumont left behind, are you?
Posts: 1168 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
All I gotta say is Woops. My subconstious thinks there were walkie talkies in the thirties. My bad. Congrats to the Captian, and on to week five! ~Sheena
Posts: 1201 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Speaking of woops, I forgot to post the identify of late entry 17, which was by JustinProse. (Now I remember, since I just sent in my entry, too late for Week 5!)
posted
Hey, congrats to J! Good job, you guys. I'm regretting I couldn't participate this week (too busy making a synopsis and writing other stuff). I'll return when I have more time to read the entries and comment. Arrr!
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited April 24, 2008).]
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1 Cool opening, compelling, but repetitive kind of quickly.
2. punctuation was off. Over all I liked it. The last line is great.
3. Too many people? There's snake. there's "we", there's Pierre, there's the sergeant. And the "we" never shows up again in the first 13.
4. I would definitely turn the page. I think the characters could come through a little more strongly. No title!
5. The first line was weird and a bit weak. But I like starting off with the opening of the coffin. Powerful opening.
6. Bold, action packed opening. Unfortunately, I'm having a really hard time parsing through what's happening to whom, who the man is, etc. Also, did they have bulletproof glass back then?
7. I liked this opening. There's a lot of backgrounding, with enough color to keep it from being an info dump. This one creates the time element the best.
8. Intriguing... but awkwardly written. Makes it difficult to read.
9. Did they have walkie talkies back there? I like that this starts out with a strong character. However, the last few lines didn't work as a hook for me. The author is telling us this isn't a normal escape attempt--we have only his or her word on it. I think it would be stronger if the writing itself, or the story telling itself, suggested this wasn't a normal escape attempt.
10. The opening lines didn't particularly draw me in. They seemed a bit dry and overly expository. However, the bit about the doll was great. I think it would be stronger if we got Russell's reaction right away: On Snake's bed was a doll, wearing a prison guard uniform. The sight hit Russell in the stomach. He grabbed the doll. "What the hell is this?"
11. Creepy! I thought the screech a bit contrived. But presumably it's related to the dead old man, so I think it works.
12. A bit over written. The opening line is poetic but didn't really work for me. How does a shadow seek respite from the sun? And I don't get what sort of carpet only the dead can walk. Again, dramatic, but it seems dramatic for the sake of being dramatic, so it didn't quite work for me. The image of the roaches, however, is great.
13. I think you could cut the opening lines, start with Russell, and work in the relevant info that way. Though I do think starting with a hot guard over looking prisoners is a bit cliche (think Cool Hand Luke, among countless others).
14. I thought this had a lot of potential but the POV felt a little slippery. I love the opening line. It made me latch onto Wendell. But then we slip into the young guard's POV. But why does he think of himself as "a young guard"? Rather, that's from Wendell's POV. I little more care and grounding could make this opening very strong.
15. This one felt a little confused. If the dead's risen, that should be your first line, IMO, not your last. Otherwise, you're setting up a not-too-urgent scene, which feels false, since we then find out the character is in pretty serious danger. Also, Aablade running across a barber strap--would that really rasp? A barber's strap is leather, no? (sorry, nitpicky, but awkward metaphors and similes are a pet peeve of mine.)
16. This was the most compelling opening. I love the voice that comes through so strongly. I'm a little wary of it written in who is obviously the evil guy's POV. However, I think the opening is compelling enough that I'd read on.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
. Ahem... I strongly disliked the first sentence - it could be tightened up. I was a confused by the next few lines - Russell is coming back from the cemetery, but the coffin is at the prison? I had to read it twice before I understood what was happening. But once past that, things improved. The dialogue was good, and the hook about "voodoo nonsense" is interesting.
. Overall a really good effort. Well written, but proofread it again ("where"). The mention of a coffin full of rocks would make me scratch my head, as this came from out of the blue. The last line kills this. Don’t tell us something strange is going on!!! The rest of the story should be about showing us strange things going on.
