posted
Since this might be the last F&F for Books, and it's been a while since I posted, I had to post something I'm having fun with. So many times we post our first thirteen and loose the fun in the prose trying to make it perfect for a crowd looking for flaws. This was fun to write. So, would you read on?
A Quest for the Sea Warg
I stood at the prow as the bowsprit dove and rose--hull smashing into the waves--trying to keep the fish slop from spewing back up my gullet. I cursed the day I joined this crew. Orcs didn't belong on water. Wasn't right. But we had to do something. With the Dark One dead, we were hunted outcasts. My thinking was: Where better to hide and hunt than the briny deep? I should've known better. The sea hated us as much as we hated it.
The sea smashed a hill-sized wave on the bow, trying to wash me from my feet and drown me. I regained my feet and spit defiantly into the waves. It wouldn't let the sea kill me. Uruk Gurr was determined we were pirates, so there we were, bearing down on a brigantine of men in the heart of a squall.
Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Opens well. Minor point: This site reproduces the em-dash properly.
quote: But we had to do something
It’s been first person. And it was when the protagonist lamented joining “this” crew. So the “we” here is jarring here—though not in the next line.
quote: The sea smashed a hill-sized wave on the bow, trying to wash me from my feet and drown me.
Seems redundant given the splashing in the opening. And making the sea seem deliberately malevolent is a bit over the top.
quote: Uruk Gurr was determined we were pirates, so there we were, bearing down on a brigantine of men in the heart of a squall
Uruk Gurr ? No context for this, and it seems that our protagonist didn’t know s/he was signing on to a pirate vessel, but now is okay with it. Not the best characteristic for a protagonist.
Minor point: “brigantine of men” seems awkward, and the meaning isn’t clear.
Aside from the quibbles, it’s a good opening.
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Thanks. He's not your typical orc.
