posted
This is my first novel, that I feel like I can see it through till the end; and it's my first try at speculative fiction as well. I've currently written about 14K words, and I think it'll be about 70K by the end, though I can't be sure because I've never gone further than one or two chapters for a novel before. Please read through the first lines and tell me what you think and how I can improve.
Here are the first 13 lines:-
As the autumn breeze brushed against him, he walked into the blooming meadow. The six-year-old Brian was looking for his brother and knew to find him there because he, of all his siblings, knew his brother best. He had hoped to spent more time with his brother because Liam had come of age for some time now. Although evasive to take up an important role in the community, he couldn't hide any longer. And so, Brian had jumped at the opportunity to go out for a hunt and volunteered his brother. Usually, the elders didn't approve of a proxy volunteering, but Liam was one of their best hunters, and they knew he loved to hunt. When Liam was told of his task, he didn't show any discontent, but in fact, was eager to go out. Though Brian knew why his brother wanted to go out.
[ April 11, 2020, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: Jose V Sebastian ]
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posted
Think about yourself reading. Are you doing it to learn the details of the plot events, as explained by a narrator, or are you seeking to be made to feel as if you're living the story in real-time, as the protagonist?
For example, in a horror story. Do you want to learn that the protagonist feels terror? Or do you want the author to terrorize you? When the protagonist goes into basement do you want to be told that it's spooky, or do you want to decide that for yourself, based on your own evaluation of the situation, and feel a shiver down your back because of it?
My point is that presenting a transcript of the narrator's words, can't make the situation feel real. Reporting and explaining—the writing method we're taught in our school days—is inherently dispassionate because it's an external view of the scene, and our viewpoint is that of the narrator, not the one living the events. And because we can't know how the narrator would speak the words, the voice the reader "hears" as they read contains only the emotion that punctuation suggests, and the words hold only the meaning they suggest to a given reader, based on that reader's background and understanding. Have your computer read the story aloud to hear how little emotion it contains for the reader.
The writing skills we were given in our schooldays are nonfiction skills, taught us through writing reports and essays, to provide us with skills employers will find useful. And those skills are designed to provide an informational experience. But readers are seeking an emotional experience. They want to be made to feel, and to care, which takes an emotion-based, not a fact-based methodology. It needs a character-centric, not author-centric focus. And how much time did your teachers spend on that? How many minutes were spent on the elements that make up a scene on the page, and why they're not the same as on the screen?
If you're like most, the number is zero, because the skills of any profession are acquired in addition to the set of general skills we call, "The Three R's." And Fiction-Writing is a profession.
I know that's anything but good news, but it is a problem you share with virtually everyone who comes to fiction writing because having been taught only one approach to writing we naturally assume it is the only approach. And while reading fiction gives us an appreciation for it, it no more teaches us to write fiction that eating teaches us to cook.
The solution? Absolute simplicity: add the tricks of the fiction-writer to those you now own. After all, you, and all your friends have been choosing professionally written and prepared fiction since you learned to read, and so, expect to see the result of those skills in our work, too.
I won't kid you. You will be learning the skills of a profession, and that's not a matter of "Do this instead of that, and you're good to go." It takes time and practice. But that's true of pretty much everything. So while it means you won't be rich and famous by Christmas, you can learn those skills as easily as you did your present writing skills.
So dig in. If you're meant to write you'll find the learning fun. And once you have a handle on those skills you'll love the way your protagonist becomes your co-writer, and whispers suggestions and warnings in your ear.
Your local library system is filled with books on the subject from pros in writing, publishing, and teaching. If sci-fi is your thing our fearless leader has a book on that. For general nuts-and-bolts issues I favor starting with Dwight Swain's, techniques of the Selling Writer, and building on that. Most of the writing articles in my WordPress blog are based on his teaching, and are meant to give a feel for the differences between the skills we're given in school and those of the profession. In general, though, the difference can be summed u with E. L. Doctorow's comment of: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
I know this is nothing like what you were hoping for when you posted the excerpt, and that something like this can be a lot like a mule-kick to the chops when you're expecting a "Sounds like a good story." It certainly was to me when it was my turn. But because we leave school with the belief that writing-is-writing, and we have that part taken care of. it's something we all face.
So don't let it throw you. Hang in there, and above all, keep on writing. The world needs more crazies who can be staring at a blank wall, and when asked what they're doing can truthfully say, "Working."
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I know everything you just mentioned, but that's not what I need from a forum like this. I thought this place was about a snippet that I post, not the general advice that I know as it's everywhere. I'm never gonna try and memorise the points you just mentioned; I only intend to implement them. And for that, what I need is not advice, but your impression on what I wrote; something specific, not general. And I think you chose to be generic because I mentioned that it's my first novel, but I mentioned that so you'll know where I stand, and not so that you can be biased about it.
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Your first sentence appears to be from the point of view of your protagonist, but the second sentence is from the point of view of the narrator.
1 - avoid switching point of view as much as possible, especially in a single scene
Your second sentence might be a better start for your scene than the first sentence because it tells us who we are supposed to be sharing the story with. It isn't very engaging, however, because it isn't in Brian's point of view (it's in the narrator's point of view - see first specific above).
2 - even if you aren't writing a story in first person point of view (recommended), your third-person-point-of-view story should be inside the protagonist's head, not viewed from outside by a narrator
Your next two sentences are confusing. Is Liam's coming of age an ongoing thing ("for some time now")? And who is evasive? This is "telling" and it really doesn't tell much.
3 - if you want to convey the protagonist's thoughts, convey them the way the protagonist (a six-year-old boy, right?) would think them - in six-year-old thoughts
The next sentence is also confusing - a six-year-old participating in a hunt? What culture and time period is this happening in? Who is the brother being volunteered? I thought Liam is the one they are hunting? What would he be volunteered for?
4 - it is always a good idea to read your text out loud (or, if you are brave enough, it's even better to have someone else read it out loud to you), so you can get a better idea of how the reader will experience your text
I hope these specifics are helpful to you.
You are ahead of many who think they want to write because you have actually written and your writing is grammatical and mostly coherent.
Best wishes.
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quote: I thought this place was about a snippet that I post,
You're thinking in terms of story. That snippet tells an acquiring editor about your approach to presenting a story. And everything I mentioned is related to that approach which is to be a narrator on stage, alone, reporting and informing in a "voice" that contains only the emotion that punctuation suggests. I didn't comment on the actual writing because if you change the presentation from author-centric and fact-based to character-centric and emotion based you'll rewrite the opening—and because I was trying to be gentle. But since you wanted that critique...
Were this a partial as part of a query, the first line may end your audition. Why? Look at it from their viewpoint. They have no access to the backstory you know, and none of the images you hold on your mind. All they have is what the words suggest to them, based on their background.
quote:As the autumn breeze brushed against him, he walked into the blooming meadow.
"As" the breeze brushed him? That implies a relationship between the two. Was there no breeze till he got there? Sounds unlikely, so that "as" is not going to get a smile from that acquiring editor, or agent. And it's not good to make the editor frown with the first line.
And: What in the pluperfect hells is a "blooming meadow? And how can it be "the" blooming meadow when we know of none?
And: "Him?" he's not important enough to have a name? How can we build an empathetic bond with our protagonist when he hasn't a name? Yes, you provide it next, but there is no second, first-impression.
In his viewpoint, it might be something like: "As he entered the meadow in search of his brother, six-year-old Brian savored the autumn breeze against his face."
Who cares if there are flowers to be seen, he's focused on finding his brother, and so, isn't focused on them. You are but you're neither in the story nor on the scene. And look at the flow. Without a narrator stepping on stage to kill any sense of realism we meet our protagonist and learn his age. We learn that we're entering a meadow, that it's autumn, that he's in a good mood, and why he's there. The reader gets everythig meaningful in your first two lines in one, without any of the fluff. And they do so as him, not via a lecture by someone invisible.
quote:The six-year-old Brian was looking for his brother and knew to find him there because he, of all his siblings, knew his brother best.
"The" six-year-old? Makes no sense if he's our protagonist.
And: Why do I care that someone I know nothing about, in an unknown place and time is better than an unknown number of siblings at finding his brother, when I don't know anythng about the brother, or, why he's looking for him?
You're providing detail for which the reader has no context. That's not story, it's a report.
To put things into perspective, this isn't your usual writing website. I can give you the response of an acquiring editor to this because I owned a manuscript critiquing service. I've been through the publication process via a publisher seven times, and with last night's release of the novella, Breaking the Pattern, I have a total of twenty-eight released pieces.
I don't say that to brag, because I make no claim to be a great writer. But I have been through it a time or twenty. And I've been at it for a long time. And remember, what I've been saying isn't a reflection on your talent or writing skill, only that you need to go to the pros for some of the specialized tricks of the trade. One thing I've learned over the years is that knowledge is a damn good working substitute for genius.
And of course, Kathleen isn't an amateur, either. She's an experienced writer who is telling you pretty much the same thing. Neither of us are giving you our own views on how to write. Nor are we attacking you. We're both trying to help you become a more skilled writer. Look at the Doctorow Quote I mentioned. At the moment you're focused on making the reader know it's raining, when they want you to make them feel the rain.
Irt's not a matter of good or bad writing, because writing isn't a destination. It's a journey, one that we all travel at our own speed—also one one that lasts a lifetime. So if you pick up a trick or write just a bit better each day, and you live long enough...
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posted
Thank you, both of you. That's what I actually needed. I feel like I should mention something, though I know I must not. The main protagonist isn't Brian, it's Liam. I thought I could give Liam an outside perspective first, before following his journey; clearly, it doesn't work. Guess I've to rewrite the beginning (I always knew I would have to because I'm not satisfied with my own beginning, as I feel it doesn't do the story I wanna tell, any good. And one other thing. The age. It's different than usual, because it plays an important part in the setting of the story. The story is on a post-apocalyptic world, where a colony had survived on Mars, and it's something like a thousand years in the future, Earth-time. But time is different on Mars, because 1 Mars-year is nearly 2 yrs on Earth. I was hoping so that whoever reads the novel can figure it out themselves. So Brian is actually around 11 yrs old, in our standard. I know I'm not doing it the way I know it should be done, but I can't quite place it, why it doesn't fit. Should I just continue writing and know if it'll tell itself as the story progresses?
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I would recommend that you finish writing the story before you do much in the way of editing.
It's a truism of writing that there are many more perfect first chapters languishing in writers' file drawers than there are completed novels, and it's because those writers just couldn't get on with the story.
Get it all down on paper first, then go back and work on the rewrites. The things you will learn as you complete your book will help you not only to edit what you have written, but will help you see more clearly what you really want the story to be.
Also, regarding what you have told us about your story: one of those pro tips that Jay is talking about is that you signal to the reader who they are investing their time in when deciding to read a story (that is, who the protagonist is) by starting the story with the protagonist. If you get the reader to invest in a different character first, you run the risk of the reader being unhappy when you change to the real protagonist - you've made them waste energy on someone who isn't as important to the story.
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Your first sentence sounds like you are trying to write the type of sentence that is good writing. Like you think writers will approve. Or that you are writing in a normal way.
But, with exceptions, most actual writers don't like that style and most readers apparently don't either. Especially for a start. I think that's what Jay is trying to explain.
If YOU like your first sentence, if you like books that start that way, then great. Carry on. If you are trying to write for us . . . don't. Write what you like.
Not the start that makes you think "This author is a good author." The type of start that intrigues or excites you and you are interested in the story, not meta-thoughts about the author.
quote: The main protagonist isn't Brian, it's Liam
It's not a problem to show different scenes from different viewpoints. We're not limited to a single protagonist. In general, the protagonist for a given scene is the one who has the largest emotional stake in the outcome of the events. No reason at all why we can't get to know Liam as his brother sees him. It will help us understand Brian's actions, and will show the emotion and feeling Liam inspires in him, which is character development for them both.
Instead of talking in years, mention his "nearly adolescent body. That's a both close enough, and, an alert to the reader that something's coming. You might have him admire the color of the sky, which will tell us he's not on Earth. Or have him glance at the sky and then wonder what sky would look like on such a day on "Old Earth," which tells us both that he's not on Earth and that there's been no contact/travel there for a significant time. Instead of "telling" the reader, make them notice. Make use of implication and deduction to give the feeling that the reader is there living the scene with the protagonist as their avatar. The difference between well written fiction and a detailed history is that history is presented in overview. It's flow is immutable because it's already happened—and therefore as interesting as any other history book or report. But if you place the reader into the protagonist's moment of now. the future becomes unknowable to both reader and protagonist, and therefore, interesting—a reason to read on to see what happens. If we sweep time forward, moment-by-moment as the protsgonist views it, both reader and protagonist will live the scene.
The key is to avoid stepping on stage as yourself and lecturing the reader, because the moment you do that you kill all momentum the scene may have build. Your place is in the control room, manipulating events induce the protagonist to want to do what you need him to do, rather then scripting his actions blindly, according to the needs of the plot, rather than his/her perceived needs and imperatives.
posted
Ya. I got a lot of ideas on improving the plot as well as writing better, I think. I need to continue writing, to see if it does. About the first sentence; I did try to make it look more pleasing, but I only tried it because I didn't like my own first sentence before (or now). I guess taking a complicated world for the novel does make me work harder. I'm having fun though, so it doesn't count. Also, I feel like I can just drop Brian as a protagonist who needs narration altogether, because I reached 4th chapter and I've used him as POV only twice; I guess his role is much less than what I initially thought.
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