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Here is the log line and first 13 of a novel titled "Nightrunner." It is literary fiction, 80,000 words so far and in second draft stage. For now, I am looking for feedback and edits on the first 13. In future i might well ask for more help, especially on my struggle to work in some mystical and spiritual elements. Thanks in advance.
Log line:
Jack uses money and Sarra uses beauty as they chase their fantasies on a road trip around Lake Victoria; each looking for their own definition of happiness and finding something else.
First 13:
It was Sarra, once again. Jack wondered why she had shown up at their Rift Valley campsite, but knew he would not ask. Moments ago he had piled out of the truck with the other men and they collapsed with happy noises around the fire. Their camp cook, a local Maasai, walked over with a plate of raw goat in each hand and the taller and blacker Sarra by his side. The two stopped short in that sudden way that demands attention and all saw the cobra coiled at the base of a young thorn tree. The cook calmly gave the goat to Sarra as she slid away, picked up a rock and slammed it down on the snake. Jack cheered with the others but was not relieved. His heart skipped as he caught Sarra’s eye, but her head shook slightly yet firmly, as if mere tic, and she walked off into the bush.
posted
Cool! "taller and blacker" than a Maasai? I'm intrigued already.
I do wonder, however, why the cook would have encumbered her with plates of raw goat meat when she is going to be killing a cobra.
Also, I think the first sentence of the second paragraph is a compound sentence (two different subjects), and therefore needs a comma after "attention."
Posts: 603 | Registered: Jul 2005
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It hit me last night that of course Sarra should be the one to kill the cobra. Had not even occurred to me. Thanks again Corky.
Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2012
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I also think it makes sense that Sarra would be the one to kill the cobra.
I guess my confusion came when the only female mentioned in the excerpt was Sarra. I see now that you were saying the cobra was female, but that is extremely unclear.
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posted
I assume this is the novel you mentioned on the writing thread. I can't do the whole novel but I can say something about the opening.
Interesting opening, it contains some intriguing sentences. I can see why you think Sarra should have killed the cobra but I'm not sure. But I hope she gave the goat meat back before she left.
I think readers will keep reading to see what that was all about.
Posts: 5289 | Registered: Jun 2010
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Usually, Martin would be correct, but not if you are a nomadic cattle herder and it decides it likes your campsite. Plus, as will be revealed later in the book, cobras rarely move about at night and hate fire, so something else might just be up with this one.
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posted
Taking your feedback to heart, i have rewritten the beginning of Nightrunner. Further thoughts and ideas welcomed. Thanks all.
Jack knew it was Sarra before he saw her face. Their camp cook, a local Maasai, carried two heaped plates of goat ready for grilling and the taller and blacker Sarra walked beside him out of the night and toward their fire. With no moon and her hair up in a kanga turban, still he knew this woman and Jack cursed under his breath. He would not ask why she had shown up at their Rift Valley campsite because he already knew.
Suddenly she stopped short, eyes fixed at the base of a young thorn tree ten feet from them, and all saw the cobra coiled there. The cook slid backwards, eyes darting, and with blank face Sarra picked up a flat rock and slammed it hard on the snake. Jack cheered with the others but was not relieved.
Jack’s partner, Dalton, looked over at her, smiled broadly and
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