“16. I’m sixteen now and still my dad hasn’t come like He promised.” These words bounced around in Drake’s skull until they left quite an impressive tattoo on His brain. “Maybe the others are right, and he’s dead. They said he was mad… talking about something called a… ah, who cares? I’m just going to have to make my own way. I’ll be able to leave the orphanage soon. Then who cares who He is?” Who says that I have to know who my dad is? All I have to remember him by are these old relics.

As Drake lay on His bed, He gazed at the two heirlooms on His dresser. A sword handle, and some sort of necklace that Drake never bothered to put on, and no one else seemed able to touch. They both were made of some sort of yellow material that wasn’t gold or foolsgold, which made Drake wonder what it was.

ok, theres the unwritten one, so you have some reference. heres the revised version.

Drake cried.
in his dream swords clashed, men in armor hacked at a force twice their size,strange flashes took out huge swathes of both sides. in his dreams, there was blood, dust and hatred.
but he did not cry because of this. because of noble men falling at the hand of skeletons living beyond the grave, he cried because of one warrior, who fought another, like two champions, to the death.
they were masters of the sword, striking with with volleys of blows that appeared to be just shimmering rays of light. as they fought, they screamed insults that were sharper than their swords.
then, with a scream of rage they stabbed each other.

It’s really hard to start with floating dialog and internal thoughts. My main suggestion is start with the second paragraph, keep building the setting, and sprinkle in Drake’s thoughts as you go.

I do not see any reason to capitalize “He” or “His” unless it is the start of a sentence. Usually that type of capitalization is reserved for references to God.

You used “some sort of” twice, and it doesn’t add anything.

My take [suggest cutting text in brackets]:

quote:

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[As] Drake lay on his bed, [He] gazing at the two heirlooms on his dresser. A sword handle, and a necklace that Drake never [bothered to put on]wore, which no one else seemed able to touch. They [both] were made of a yellow material that wasn’t gold or foolsgold. [which made] Drake wondered what it was.

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The string of thoughts is too long. They need to be broken up more with actions (Drake touched the hilt?), visuals (something about the room perhaps?), or facts (it was his sixteenth birthday…). Something to give the reader a breather. I want to care about his angst over his father, but it isn’t working yet.

“These words bounced around in Drake’s skull until they left quite an impressive tattoo on His brain.” This image is a bit much. How about: “These words bounced around in Drake’s mind until he leaped up from the bed to Do Something…” (fill in the blank)

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited December 17, 2008).]

I suggest maybe throwing in someone for Drake to interact with, or having him do something rather than just sitting there thinking about his situation. It's just so convenient that he has these thoughts in a neat little package at this time that it feels contrived. Have some fellow orphan talk about his dad, tease him, or have a teacher disparage his father, whatever, just something to get out of this static introspection.