posted
This is the first 13 of a chapter about a father and his son. -------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------ Okie Dokey. Thanks so much for the comments everyone, all duly noted and valuable to boot. I've tried to do a bit more showing and a little less telling in this version. I still don't know if I've hit the mark though, so let me know what you think. I would also welcome any readers who want to check out a partial.
Nobu set out along the Sandspills with his father to learn the Dying Way. He knew nothing of the way himself, nor how it was to be taught. All he knew was that it was now his way, his only choice in life. His father Amado said nothing for the first leg of their journey. Nobu was led only by a trail of sand and dust kicked up by the black palfrey his father rode upon and the occasional grunt from Amado telling him to go this way or that. Was this silence a part of the training? Nobu wondered. Or did Amado look at Nobu like every other Damos had- as a meager little boy with a coward's wits. “I’m thirsty,” Nobu said gliding a finger along his baked lips. They hadn’t drank since Worm’s Wind, and his stomach felt
[This message has been edited by hinton (edited July 08, 2008).]
quote:Nobu set out along the Sandspills with his father to learn the Dying Way. nice first sentenceUntil then the teachings had been a shadow story to Nobu, a few whispers amongst the men whom visited his father Amado in their home. Now, the Dying Way was Nobu’s path and the young boy was filled fear. info dump. I understand why you felt the need to put it, but it doesn't work for me. Show me the fear. If you're going to tell me, tell me succinctly. Even stylistaically this doesn't work He could tell Amado in light of my revisions substitute 'his father' hated every minute of the journey. Nobu was hardly carved in the mold of his father, a stiff, callous and quiet man. The man had no praise for Nobu’s love of dancing, nor his love of gardens, garments, tea parties, and singing. I need to know this another way. Its stilted, slows things down. And in a book, would make me put it down.It was uncommon for a Damo to have any interests outside of warfare or the Dying Way,semi-colon. I think... uncommon and deeply scorned. Amado barely spoke to Nobu as they worked their way through the sand-drown I liked Sandspills, but am now confused. Is it the same thing? I'm now thinking quicksand.paths towards Kedori.
There's definitely potential - and conflict - here, but as it stands, I wouldn't read on. Sorry. The concept's sound, but I think you've lost your way a little. If you think it'd be useful for me to post a rewrite, let me know.
posted
I liked it very much. My only question would be about the mention of tea parties, which to me suggests a specific time and culture, namely British and of the eighteenth century. Also gender issues, as tea parties are often depicted as a pursuit of young girls (really. My daughter was just watching "Cory in the House" in here, and the president's young daughter had a tea party with "The Rock" with comedic hijinks ensuing, based on the incongruity).
So this suggests to me your MC is both very young, and very feminine, in a late eighteenth, early nineteenth century type of way. Did you intend that?
posted
The character is based on Odu Nobunaga(1534), he was obsessed with tea socials (especially for politics) and was also a huge collector of tea sets.
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posted
Humm, I'm torn on this one. There's some nice bits but a lot of information I don't need presented this way too. There's a lot of telling. I'll try to give an example of how I think you can show the same information below.
I'd give it a bit more to see if the story is going to move forward. I was also thinkig this is Japanese and not British from the names and the men taking tea.
My take:
quote: Nobu set out along the Sandspills with his father to learn the Dying Way. nice first sentance Until then the teachings had been a shadow story to Nobu, a few whispers amongst the men whom visited his father Amado in their home. Now, the Dying Way was Nobu’s path and the young boy was filled fear. these two lines don't work for me. You are telling me. First about the past, and then how Nobu is feeling. Show me his fear.
He could tell Amado hated every minute of the journey. How? Show me through Amado's expressions or dialog that he hates it.
Nobu was hardly carved in the mold of his father, a stiff, callous and quiet man. The man had no praise for Nobu’s love of dancing, nor his love of gardens, garments, tea parties, and singing. It was uncommon for a Damo to have any interests outside of warfare or the Dying Way, uncommon and deeply scorned. IMHO, info dump and back history. Cut it or, probably better, work it in through the dialog. Wouldn't it be more compelling if the father says - there will be no more time for tea parties and all your nonsense on the Dying Way - ? That or something like it would convey the same information and show me the father's scorn
Amado barely spoke to Nobu as they worked their way through the sand-drown paths towards Kedori. This line shows me everything you've tried to tell me in the others, the father's still and callous ways
It's a good start. Try to focus on showing me by thier actions and/or dialog how the characters feel rather than telling me.
posted
Okie Dokey. Thanks so much for the comments everyone, all duly noted and valuable to boot. I've tried to do a bit more showing and a little less telling in this version. I still don't know if I've hit the mark though, so let me know what you think. I would also welcome any readers who want to check out a partial.
Nobu set out along the Sandspills with his father to learn the Dying Way. He knew nothing of the way himself, nor how it was to be taught. All he knew was that it was now his way, his only choice in life. His father Amado said nothing for the first leg of their journey. Nobu was led only by a trail of sand and dust kicked up by the black palfrey his father rode upon and the occasional grunt from Amado telling him to go this way or that. Was this silence a part of the training? Nobu wondered. Or did Amado look at Nobu like every other Damos had- as a meager little boy with a coward's wits. “I’m thirsty,” Nobu said gliding a finger along his baked lips. They hadn’t drank since Worm’s Wind, and his stomach felt
[This message has been edited by hinton (edited July 08, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by hinton (edited July 08, 2008).]
posted
I didn't like the phrase "shadow story". Though, it was because it felt like you were saying something you thought meant something. If later it turns out in the story that "shadow story" means something I would feel different.
"Nobu was hardly carved in the mold of his father" left me wanting the description to be carving metaphors. Still works, but carvings aren't "callous" or "quiet".
"The man had no praise for Nobu’s love of dancing, nor his love of gardens, garments, tea parties, and singing."
That sentence is the one that kicked me out of the story. They all seemed like things I know, but the names and descriptions before this seemed designed to be things I don't know and convey a mystery. I'd lose "tea parties", but you might have a point.
posted
Kind of sorta really love it. Certainly, more now than before. I would read further. I'd want some answers and definitions pretty quick, but I'd read further. For me, there is a point I'll accept the convention of confusion in a novel, but not for long. You set a stage and I'll accept the stage as set, but you need to give me a drip of 100ccs of something soon.
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