posted
Chance McCloud maneuvered the hang glider effortlessly, settling on the museum's roof without a sound. His body was tightly covered with a thin layer of gleaming black material that looked like leather, but wasn't. The play of light came from the millions of tiny laser refractors on it's surface, designed to intercept and reroute the museum's motion detector beams. If he passed through one, the suit would "bend" the beam around the suit and send it streaming on toward it's target without interrupting the signal. For all intents and purposes, Chance McCloud was completely invisible to all but the most primitive of detection systems - the human eye. After carefully tethering the hang glider to the roof so it wouldn't get caught in a gust of wind and leave without him,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 11, 2008).]
posted
For starters, that must be the most phallic title I've seen in quite a while.
No point-for-point comments here tonight - the dog needs a walk - but its been a while since I read anything of yours deb, that I couldn't resist.
For a main character's name, Chance McCloud had better be campy, or intended to be over the top, because I can't see anyone named Chance McCloud hang-gliding in a black body stocking in any kind of serious way. I'll even totally let you get away with effortlessly in the first sentence, though I'd be eternally smitten if you could nix it.
You seem to spend a lot of time describing the suit he's wearing. It's cool and all (I own a few black body stockings myself) but it reads more as the part of a Bond movie where Q explains what all the whiz-bang gadgets do. Once James has the tools in the field, he rarely comments on them, or even pauses to think about them much except where the plot requires it (see: Goldeneye, the clicky pen). Chance seems like a similarly no-nonsense kind of guy. I don't know that he would pause on top of the building to reflect on the reflective nature of his suit. Maybe when he encounters the lasers he wants to defeat, he could activate the active camouflage built into the suit and at that point you could bring up it's wonderful properties. As it sits right now, it slows down what should be a high tension opening to your story.
Saving a few lines by skipping the suit description might let us know why we're on top of the museum - I assume we're going to watch as Chance goes all Indiana Jones and steal an artifact or some precious jewel. I still don't have a feel for his motives right now either, though I'm assuming that this main character is on the side of the other good guys - whoever they might be.
Okay, to summarize: very solid start, but you could describe the suit in a more apropos time and get us into the action a few lines earlier. Still, I'd read based on the strength of the camp already present.
posted
Wolfe_boy. Sigh. I thought you were already eternally smitten. And I think you still have my Dracula novel. Thanks for the comments, if you would like to see other title plays, I posted the first 150 at evil editor a few weeks ago. My toes are still curling! Thanks for the comments. This is a new opening that I've been playing around with. Thanks for the hints about the suit. I think you're spot on.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited April 11, 2008).]
posted
Nice job, interesting idea. I also thought Chance McCloud was an odd name for someone in this character role.
"...millions of tiny laser refractors." Based on your explanation of what they do, interecept the light and reroute it, they sound more like light receptors that then refract the light and reroute it. It's a small point, a nit - maybe even just a matter of style. Anyway, nicely written - with a James Bond feel to a science fiction story.
I like the name "Chance McCloud". He's flying around on a hang-glider and taking a chance he won't be seen. Mind, it's a name that leads me to expect a story that doesn't take itself too seriously.
I too think the description of the suit, while cool and nicely written, is a little long. I'm more interested in why he's landing on the roof of the museum. Perhaps it would suffice to have him "secure in the knowlege that the museum's laser motion detectors couldn't sense him, and the chance of someone eyeballing him was remote". Maybe he could explain the suit to the beautiful damsel he's rescuing from the evil museum curator, or something.
Pat's pet peeve: "It's" must lose its apostrophe, it's a shortened version of "it is".
Hope this helps, and if you need readers I'd be glad to. Pat
posted
I'm not seeing as how the lenghty description of the suit is helping with this tale. I'd rather hear a bit more as to what and why he's hang -gliding to the top of a musuem.
One other thing that struck me, is why aren't these motion detectors picking up on the frame and cloth of the hang-glider?
quote:One other thing that struck me, is why aren't these motion detectors picking up on the frame and cloth of the hang-glider?
I wondered that, too. I assumed there would be some sort of alarm system on the roof, and the detailed description of the suit's function made me think it was being used at that minute. So the question then became, why wasn't the hang-glider spotted by the motion sensors?
posted
I think the other posters have hit it on the head. But I wanted to chime in on the name.
Is he by chance (pun intended) related to Connor? Or Duncan? Might he go all Highlander on us?
If he isn't related to one of the two immortals (even though there can be only one) then I would say keep Chance, or McCloud-but the two together would repeatedly distract me from the rest of the story (I would keep Chance-campy as it is for a Bondish charachter-it beats the images of head hunting sword swingers McCloud brings to mind).
posted
Chance is a nickname, and it relates to what he does for a living, so I won't change that. But McCloud isn't too important, and thanks to find/change, no biggie.
He needs the suit for inside the museum. Tons of birds. Think that would make roof-top motion sensors impractical. But I could mention that, and move the explanation for the suit down a little. That way all the i's will be crossed and all the t's dotted. )
posted
I'll be first to admit that I know little about writing,but something caught my eye.
I would say hundreds , maybe push it to a thousands, but millions is a lot of lights. Lights, I think, would all be microscopic and I'd hate to be the one that made the suit.
Chance would have to be one big dude to get all those lights on a tight fitting body suit, or the suit would be just a wee bit loose. just my two cents.
posted
Jayson: that would be cool. Don't put any more into it. I've changed quite a bit since that title. But send on what you've got. And don't worry, being bad is part of your charm! Pat, I sent you Rods. Whatever you have time for. Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think this is excellently done, and it pulled me in. All I can say though is to echo what others have mentioned, in the end it might be best to trim...not necesarily remove, because I think it sets a sense of style, but trim, the suit descreption and try to put in at least a hint of motivation.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
)
