I was twenty-eight years old when I stepped through the shroud that was my life. Until then, I had thought that I was a happy man; a respected young astronomer working at the Cincinnati Institute of Technology. Thus far, my life’s ambitions had been checked off like items on a grocery list. Class Valedictorian of my high school. Check. Graduate Summa cum laude from an Ivy League school. Check. Matriculate from a prestigious graduate program in astronomy. Check. Find work at a University as an assistant professor, with a good opportunity to obtain tenure. Check.
That was my life. Ticking off accomplishments, one by one, in a linear sequence, hoping that at the end of the run I would find happiness. My solace and hope had always been that the

[This message has been edited by Radone (edited April 04, 2007).]

After; a respected young astronomer working at the Cincinnati Institute of Technology... I suggest to say something about the now and go back to the past a little later; next para perhaps.

Give us a hook that will make us want to read on.

Maybe a reordering:

quote:

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A life of deferred gratification can be sad and miserable.

Until the evil robot monkeys carried off Mary on my 28th birthday my life had centered on ticking off accomplishments hoping that at the end of the run I would find happiness. My solace and hope had always been that the future would be something brighter and better.

But, it never worked out.

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Obviously the bold is not your story, but now I'd be hooked. I have a sence of the MC and, because it's first person, I know a bit about why he feels compelled to tell the story.

Speaking of first person (I'm going to chanell Survivor here for a sec), why this POV? Who is the MC's audience? Why is he telling the story? This isn't something I need to know in the first 13 but you, as the writer, do for the 1st person POV to ring true.

I was twenty-eight years old when I stepped through the shroud that was my life.
Until then...

quote:

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I was twenty-eight years old when I stepped through the shroud that was my life.

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This line threw me, and I never quite recovered.

Sure, you listed off his accomplishments. You wrote them like an arrogant shopping list--if that's even possible--and never explained why. Instead you said:

quote:

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My solace and hope had always been that the future would be something brighter and better.But, it never really worked out like that.

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Instead, contrary to popular opinion, the last line only changed my opinion in that it depressed me.

From the first 13 lines, I already don’t like the guy. He seems arrogant, flaunting his higher education at me. I went to college, but geez. This guys seems to be more of the villain than the hero.

I’m not going to read for long about a super genius. Don’t flaunt his accomplishments. Let him be smart but don’t let him know it. He will be much more likable if he comes out knowing the right things at the right time rather than telling us outright that he has an Ivy League education.

It’s almost if you fell in to the trap of antihero by making him obnoxious instead of characterizing him.

My take:

I was 28 years old when I learned that all my accomplishments mean nothing. Until then, I had thought that I was a happy man, ticking of everything on my ethereal checklist. That was my life. Ticking off accomplishments, one by one, in a linear sequence, hoping that at the end of the run I would find happiness. My solace and hope had always been that the . . . .

"Happy 28th!" read the cardboard sign tacked to his office door.

Pov pulled it down. Twenty-eight! He shut the door behind him and looked around at the spare office. No window. Two sheepskins tacked to the wall attesting the fact he had endured to the end of two degrees.

"Mary called." said the note on his computer screen. "Said not to call any more."

He sat down in the chair at his desk. He really should get to work on the Microsoft proposal. Really. He really should. John would be in before lunch asking if it was finished.

not great but a slight bit more active. What I was trying to do was to get the feel across without telling the reader what the reader should feel the pov is feeling.
Anyway...just my opinion

I think that you have a hint of a hook. I would read on but I am a very patient reader. (I read the same book to three kids in a row some nights) So in short, I think you need more. I was interested when I read the first line, but there is not enough on that first line for me to turn the page.

IMHO I think that you can move either the list of accomplishments or the "a respected young astronomer working at the Cincinnati Institute of Technology." down to the next paragraph. I would suggest the list, since that would give you the most room to develop a hook.

quote:

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The list was meant to be an arrogant summation of what he's done. And the last line is meant to be depressing.
[Well then, you succeeded.]

What I'd like to know is this: based on the first 13 lines, would you want to know who this man is?
[As it sets, no.]

Does he seem broken despite his accomplishments?
[Not to me. He seems whiny. It seems like he's mad at the world for not patting him on the back.]

The shroud was like a burial shroud. Not literally, but as though he had pressed past a dead existence and into a living one.
I think I should set that oblique metaphor aside and just say it. [I agree: Just say it.]

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Set me up for a really cool SF/F experience where the shroud was some kind of mystical alteration of his existence. I'm dissapointed to find that's not what you were going for

If the hook is supposed to be what keeps a reader going, I think you have the hook in the first sentence, but the mystery in the first line is dropped to parade the MC's accomplishments which is kind of boring. I want to know what you meant by shroud. The way you say, "Step through the shroud that was my life," made me think of the veil of perception. If he has somehow stepped through it, I want to know how and how it has effected him.

When I was twenty-eight, I followed my dreams and died. It was a suicide of sorts but also a re-birth; a renewal that I accepted with sorrow.
It all began at lunch.
“What are you reading there, Jason?”
I looked up. It was my mentor, Professor Douglas Nelson, a red-faced, cherubic looking man with a trim, white beard; plump and short, he looked like a right jolly, old elf. He was fifty-seven, with a wife, three grown children, and five grandchildren, but somehow the wonder of discovery had never left him. He always seemed on the verge of a smile. Here was a man in love with living.

I would amend that first paragraph to include the second one...maybe it's that that it reads badly, the cadence seems off. Maybe its the transitions from the 1st to the 3rd (flashback) that is off for me. "It all began at lunch." seems so sudden to me.

I get the same problem with the new first paragraph. Apparently he "died," but he isn't dead. He followed his dreams, but we don't know what dreams. He accepted the renewal with sorrow, but we don't know what's to be sad about. So I don't know if he's alive or dead or, well, anything, from that first sentence.

Nice work, congrats.

quote:

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When I was twenty-eight, I followed my dreams and died [inside<--This word would add a lot]. It was a suicide of sorts but also a re-birth; a renewal that I accepted with sorrow.
It all began at lunch.
“What are you reading there, Jason?”
I looked up. It was my mentor, Professor Douglas Nelson, a red-faced, cherubic looking man with a trim, white beard; plump and short, he looked like a right jolly, old elf. He was fifty-seven, with a wife, three grown children, and five grandchildren, but somehow the wonder of discovery had never left him.[I have to take a couple of deep breaths, mentally here. This is long and an info-dump. I wonder if it intrudes on WHAT "all began" at lunch. I've got a feeling the "what" would hook me.]He always seemed on the verge of a smile. Here was a man in love with living.

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