posted
I am still getting used to how long 13 lines are, so if I went too long, I do apologize. In my word processor it says that these are just 12 lines. I hope that's right. Any way, I would appreciate any advice on these first lines of a story I have been working on for a few years now, off and on.
“It was raining that night. I remember it clearly…” The old man’s voice droned on in the hall as the children listened to his weekly tale of valor and honor. This week Tharin had chosen to stay and draw while Dunsten spoke, opting not to join his friends in sneaking off to play. “The count and I were discussing the terms of his surrender, but all I could think about was the odd tattoo he had on his neck…” Tharin stopped drawing and perked his ears. Dunsten was about to describe one of the mythical tattoos of fire, found only on the eleven children of Samast – the legends of old who were believed to be long dead - if they ever existed. No “educated” member of Orpedan society believed such “foul lies,” but Tharin had heard many stories of the Samast children in his home town of Droken,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 28, 2007).]
posted
I liked the way this story is probably going, but I think you need to re-arrange it a bit. Starting off with the dialogue, instead of incorporating into the following sentence, creates possibly unnecessary confusion. The description of the tattoo was way too info-dumpy, especially since the old man will probably be describing soon anyway. Also, I am a bit confused on how many children we have here. There are children listening to the story, Tharin (whose age I am still having trouble placing), and children outside playing. I don't know, that may just be me, but I couldn't help but think about that the whole time I was reading.
quote: “It was raining that night. I remember it clearly…”
...isn't necessary.
Suggestions:
quote: The [old man’s--name him here, so I know who he is when next you refer to hime] voice droned on in the hall[,] as the children listened to his weekly tale[needed?---> of valor and honor]. This week Tharin had chosen to stay and draw while Dunsten spoke, opting not to join his friends in sneaking off to play.
quote: Dunsten was [about to<---necessary?] describe[d] one of the mythical tattoos of fire[.] [It was] found only on the eleven children of Samast – the legends of old[,] who were believed to be long dead[needed?---> - if they ever existed]. No “educated” member of Orpedan society[What's this?] believed such “foul lies,” but Tharin had heard many stories of the Samast children in his home town of Droken,
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 29, 2007).]
posted
“It was raining that night. I remember it clearly…” The old man’s voice droned [CAREFUL WITH WORDS THAT SUGGEST "BORING" -- READERS ARE SUGGESTIBLE!] on in the hall as the children listened to his weekly tale of valor and honor. This week Tharin had chosen to stay and draw while Dunsten [WHO'S DUNSTEN? OH. THE OLD MAN. IT'S EASIER IF YOU NAME HIM UP FRONT AND EACH TIME YOU REFER TO HIM.] spoke, opting not to join his friends in sneaking off to play. [I CAN'T TELL. IS THAREN BORED?
IF SO MAYBE WE NEED SOME ATTITUDE. I DON'T LIKE STARTING IN A BORING SITUATION, UNLESS THERE'S SOMETHING LIKE THAREN'S REACTION TO MAKE IT INTERESTING DESPITE BEING BORING.]
“The count and I were discussing the terms of his surrender, but all I could think about was the odd tattoo he had on his neck…”
Tharin stopped drawing and perked his ears. Dunsten was about to describe one of the mythical tattoos of fire, found only on the eleven children of Samast – the legends of old who were believed to be long dead - if they ever existed. [WHY IS THARIN INTERESTED?] No “educated” member of Orpedan society believed such “foul lies,” but Tharin had heard many stories of the Samast children in his home town of Droken, [THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOME PRETTY SOPHISTICATED THOUGHT FOR A CHILD.]
Overall, I think we have * much clarity -- good * a problem in that we're in a boring situation
I suspect this may not be the right place to start -- I'm afraid that even if this is written as well as possible, this will be a scene in which essentially nothing happens. (Of course, I don't know!)
posted
Hrmmm, I say totally chop off the beginning and just start with your third paragraph. That'll dive right into the action. Also cut out all the repetitive descriptions. My suggestion for revision would look like this:
---
"The count and I were discussing the terms of his surrender, but all I could think about was the odd tattoo he had on his neck..."
Tharin stopped drawing and perked his ears. Dunsten was about to describe one of the mythical tattoos of fire, found only on the eleven children of Samast. No educated member of Orpedan society believed such legends, but Tharin had heard many stories of these children in his home town of Droken,
--
Also, is there a reason why you had "educated" and "foul lies" in quotations? I didn't think they were necessary.
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