posted
"It's very simple, Mr. Tyne," Jarrow narrowed his eyes and peered down at me. "We will inject a small section of modified cortex into your brain via your nasal cavity and then wipe your short term memories--just the last twelve minutes. It won't hurt." Each word he uttered had a wet, slippery quality. I tried to lift my right hand, but it refused to move--something was paralysing me, some sort of drug. I jacked my liver's metabolic rate, pumped up my blood pressure a touch, then activated my secondary nervous system. Jarrow beamed--his total control of me evident in his smile. "You see, Mr. Tyne, you aren't the first unwilling assassin I have made. I have it down to a precise science."
Posts: 61 | Registered: Apr 2012
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posted
Interesting opening, though it does have the feel of the bad guy explaining his plan to the protagonist for some inexplicable reason. If Mr. Tyne is under his complete control, why would Jarrow tell him that he's going to inject something in him to erase his memory? Why not just inject it?
This is a somewhat bad habit movie villains have. They engage in unnecessary exposition that always comes back to bite them in the butt. This is the joke of the Austin Powers' Dr. Evil.
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011
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posted
My first thought upon reading your first line was, "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die," so I think I'm picking up on the same "villain speech" vibe as Denevius.
"Each word he uttered had a wet, slippery quality." I'm not a big fan of characters uttering things because I have no clue what the difference between uttering and saying is, so why not just say it? Wet, slippery words is a great description, though. That phrase is gold.
I'm guessing he's some sort of cyborg? I'm interested and would read on to learn more about that.
Unwilling assassin also piques my interest.
Overall, feels like melodrama to me, but I'm interested because of the potentially cool ideas.
Posts: 1528 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Melodrama is perfectly fine, if that's what you're aiming for. If the story is to be melodramatic, let it so be. The story is the master, not the writer.
The comma after the first sentence tripped me. It should be a period. I know it's a teeny, tiny thing, but for a few seconds that's all I thought about.
"I will inject..." sounds more evil than "We will inject..."
"Jarrow beamed--his total control of me evident in his smile." This sentence confuses me because it doesn't seem like Jarrow at this point has much control over Mr. Tyne.
I think I need to see more before commenting too much because if I know where it's going, my unfounded and uninformed opinions might be more useful.
posted
I realised I hadn't done any writing for some time, so I composed that in the message box as a brief exercise in writing--it is just an intro--not a story. It doesn't go anywhere.
I shouldn't really have posted it, although I value the comments. It is a bit 'Mr. Bond..." I didn't spot that.
With regard Jarrow having control--he can't see what is going on beneath the surface of the MC, so it is his belief in his total control that is visible in smile to the MC.
Posts: 61 | Registered: Apr 2012
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I kind of gave up my chairmanship of Hatrack contests about four years ago!!
It amazes me how poor my writing has become in the 3 years or so that I haven't completed a story. I recently changed jobs--no longer a manager--so I anticipate a little more time and mental energy to get back into writing.
posted
This scene sketch is a dramatic moment, a scene where the surprise emerges. I think this starts too late. I haven't been given Tyne or Jarrow's moral standing, their motivations, stakes, conflicts in advance setup. I don't know until the end of the sketch what's going on, whether Tyne is the protagonist or villain or nemesis. Tyne could as easily be one or the other even as an unwilling assassin. I could at this point care more for Jarrow than Tyne, though I understand that's not the intent.
A clue from the fragment signals a twelve-minute starting point earlier than this moment. Consider starting then, or earlier, so that the moral crisis of the narrative is set up, for empathy or sympathy and curiosity's tension development. Perhaps an initial bridging complication sequence, where Tyne nobly saves the day only to be captured by Jarrow.
That then would show, ideally, that Jarrow is morally corrupt and Tyne nobly heroic. Then I'd care for and be curious about Tyne's complication from Jarrow and its outcome.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
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