Let me start by saying- I like the feel of your beginning.
The surrounding whispers never broke the walls of this house.
1.Nice line! I think you need one word after ‘broke’ (down or through?), to add more punch to what is already is a hook for me.Grass grew. Trees shuttered in the passing winds of several days.
2.Grass grew- steals the impact from your opening line- for me. Consider combining these two sentences- The grass and trees shuttered in, and maybe re-write the rest for clarity and flow.
The trodden paths between town and wooden houses stirred with anticipation.
3.Wordy and it doesn’t flow to me. Consider well-worn instead of ‘trodden’ and dropping ‘town and’.
Shadows drifted over Donovan Todd’s small home on the outskirts of town.
4.Did shadows literally drift over the house like overcast clouds? Consider- Shadows hung like clouds or something like that. And maybe drop ‘small’ because- for me- it just flows better without that one word.
Another day became another night.
5.Wordy. Redundant try re-phrasing.
All of Holmes waited for Donovan to break the chaotic silence that had spanned the three days since his mother died.
6.Wordy- Maybe The people of, citizens of Holmes. Chaotic and silence work against each other- I think. Consider- eerie, choking or wall of silence.
But maybe silence is the wrong word because in the first sentence you say- ‘The surrounding whispers’ and here you say silence. Bring us back to the first sentence. Instead of silence maybe- chaotic hum, murmurs, mumblings or chatter?
Consider dropping- ‘had spanned the three days’ and use something like- hung over the town since.
On this day, nothing would change at Donovan’s house.
7.Not sure where you’re going here. Try putting ‘But’ at the beginning of the sentence to draw out the tension.
Holmes is a small town with a small town mentality. No roads. No machines. The people of Holmes congregate for communication and cooperate to earn their living.
8.Wow, what happened? You had the tension building and then . . . the travelogue of small town wherever began to drone in my ears. Maybe what follows makes this drowning of the tension necessary, but it robs what came before of its power- for me. I think you could combine those four sentences one, but still not sure it works- for me.
Joeyvegas, I may have gone overboard with the suggestions, but it was because I really enjoyed the feel of where you were taking me and got into it. I believe there is a good story here that needs a little tweaking is all.
Keep at it.