How did this one get ignored for an entire month, Louis? That will not do.This is my take. The opening piques my interest but comes off as mumbled. It doesn't read quite right. The only way I can convey what I'm getting at is to break it down - sentence by sentence - and attempt to rework it so it would read smoother to me.
Sorry if I'm breaking any new etiquette in standards, hopefully you'll take my muddling as my way of helping you out.
quote:
I watched the man run through the old warehouse like hell chased him.
Two things here: I watched and the like. The first two words made the sentence come off as a bit passive. like hell rings of a personal appearance. Clearly not what you were after but I can't help thinking it as that. A slight rewording may improve it.
The man ran through the warehouse as if all of hell was on his heels.
quote:
In this place it might be.
This sentence is probably just fine but it still feels a bit weak to me.
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The building used some strong guardians to keep neutrality, I doubted anyone knew them all.
consider cutting the 'some' and adding an 'its' after 'keep'.
quote:
The man interested me; he wore dark clothes, which included a black stocking cap.
Consider jazzing up he wore dark clothes. He sounds if he's dressed so silly he's drawing attention to himself. Play that up.
The man interested me; he was dressed in a halloween's version of a burgular outfit, right down to the black stocking cap
quote:
It would not only take burglary skills but someone with at least a touch of something more to get in.
sentence is a negative statement. Rearrange to a more positive one.
His costume only reinforced my perception he was far from an ordinary thief. You needed a touch of something more than basic burgarly skills to get into a place like this.
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However his break in activated the buildingÕs defenses.
Needs a bit more, IMO.
However gifted he may have been, his break in activated the building's defenses. [/b]
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From the shadows I continued to watch his reactions.
A bit weak, IMO.
quote:
The structure is a safe zone where any being could come and relax. Chicago had a bar, run by a quiet man who made great beer, as neutral territory. Ours consisted of this warehouse. It stunk; of old wood, too many species and fish from the river. The last smell always produced a bad taste in me. But no magical, physical or natural weapon can work in the warehouse.
Nice imagery but reads way too info-dumpy this close to the beginning. The action is still focused on the man being chased by...I'm not sure what he is being chased by. Perhaps a description on what it is and his reaction to it may be best at this moment. That last paragraph does work but it is misplaced at this point.
Not a bad concept you have going on here. Just needs some tweaking.
Hope this helps!
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