First thirteen of a spinoff story of another story I posted first thirteen for a few months ago. I've written up to the climax and am struggling with the scene, but hope to have a completed first draft in a couple days for anyone who might be interested in reading the full manuscript. I'm happy to exchange critiques.
----------------------------------------------------------------- FIRST 13:
Ninety-Nine Names of God. Ninety-nine attributes of power, among them the Giver of Life, the Bringer of Death. Ninety-nine algorithms for ninety-nine subroutines for ninety-nine thousand nanites. Godhood, coded. Abu Sufyan carried the box, glistening with mother-of-pearl patterns of stars within octagons within stars, on outstretched palms. His bare feet glided off the pomegranate-colored carpet of the prayer alcove that girded Al-Azhar’s courtyard. The cool marble contrasted the midsummer Cairo heat, and despite his urgency, he slowed his pace to enjoy it. He would have already reached his destination if he’d been permitted to carry the Ninety-Nine code in his own nanocore and dispense with the ceremony of its presentation. Shaykh Murad Ibn ...
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited June 27, 2011).]
posted
Love it, Osiris. The mixture of the old tradition and the high tech. I'd read on.
One minor critique would be the one I've been bludgeoned with during my time here at Hatrack: favor sentence flow over description. Another would be in the first line of the second paragraph: Does the box or Abu Sufayn "glisten"?
Respectfully, Dr. Bob
[This message has been edited by History (edited June 27, 2011).]
posted
Good job on the opening paragraph. I’m very curious.
My only nit is that I got no sense of what the 'urgency' was. Without this, I don't see why anyone short of a masochist wouldn't pause to get some sort of relief from the heat, so that passage comes across as taking up valuable First 13 space...which could have been used to perhaps add a few extra words about the presentation ceremony.
posted
Nice set up, you have the location and there's even some hint of the time period too. Maybe even some hint of the problem, depending on what that might be... I could see it going in two or three different directions just as it is.
Good descriptions. I really can't say anything more except that the opening reminds me of an old story. The story doesn't start like that but it deals with the Names of God. Never can remember the number but something like the Nine million names of God. I'm sure a couple of of hatrackers will say the correct name.
quote: "The Nine Billion Names of God" by Arthur C Clarke.
Indeed, an excellent short story. I doubt my story is in the same league, and it doesn't go in the same direction. Also, the concept of ninety-nine names of God is a real Islamic principle, I'm not sure if the monks' endeavor is based on real Tibetan philosophy or not.
posted
EXCELLENT opening paragraph. Each iteration of "ninety-nine" somethings has me mildly interested, then curious, and then, "Godhood, coded." Bam! My interested is piqued right to the top! How very intriguing . . . I could make some tiny nits that I noticed only on the second read-through, but mostly I'm simply intrigued. Carry it in his own nanocore? Is that saying something about his physiology, perhaps? Questions, questions.
The only real "nit" is that I prefer mother-of-pearl "inlays" over "patterns," for some unfathomable reason. Probably a matter of exposure to the phrase and nothing else.
Good hook. Nice mixture of two seemingly vastly different elements. Good pacing and solid voice, from what I can tell. Props.
posted
Tryn, you are absolutely correct, "inlay" is a much better word there, and I believe I have fathomed the reason.
"Inlay" implies a specific craftsmanship and technique that involves three dimensions (there is a depth and texture involved in inlay, a z-axis in geometrical terms). "Patterned" is pretty unspecific; one can paint or draw a pattern in two dimensions. So inlay is more specific and descriptive of the kind of artwork used in making these kind of boxes:
posted
On the first reading I was thoroughly confused by the wordiness, however on the second read through I was able to discern your meaning and it does sound like a fascinating start. Beyond that I concur with the earlier assessments. Perhaps I just need more caffeine Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2011
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
Each iteration of "ninety-nine" somethings has me mildly interested, then curious, and then, "Godhood, coded." Bam! My interested is piqued right to the top! How very intriguing . . . 
