posted
Below is a short sci-fi story I have been working on. Was going to discuss what I am trying to accomplish so far, but would rather see what you think first – as not to create bias. I am a little over 1,500 words in and would probably like to finish it before 3,000. Let me know what you think and if you would like to read on. Thanks!
quote:The Captain importantly pressed some buttons on his console, and then got up and sauntered over to his First Mate. “Hold tight Linda.” He said, moving his face close to hers. He stared hard into her eyes, and his visage was smug. “We’re coming out of Ultra Warp.” Scoffingly, she withdrew and said, “Tom, you know there’s no effect when we pulse out. We’re not going to feel anything -- this ship doesn’t even have safety belts for Pete’s sake…so knock it off.” – but as if not hearing her, he wormed in more. “We’ve just traveled a billion light years woman! Won’t you humor me -- my Space Hotness, my Sex Nebula, my Love Mothership?”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 09, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Threebrain (edited May 09, 2011).]
posted
Hello Threebrain and welcome to the boards!
At the moment there isn't a lot to hook me here; to be honest I'm not that bothered if the Captain gets lucky or not
As for the writing I'd try to cut down on the adverbs, especially in the first sentence and maybe work on the POV a little; I'd have thought we were in the Cap's POV but then I was thrown by the "his visage was smug" line.
posted
I'll try that, and work on it more. Yeah it's like eh so far. Never tried a rom-com kind of thing before. Thanks!
Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2011
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posted
Thanks again Wonderbus. Here's a redo of the same story but more from narrator's POV, and a little of the Captain's -- and I think with less adverbs too. Any more thoughts are welcome.
Version 2
quote:Galaxies whizzed by, but the Captain didn’t care – Linda was finally facing away now, so he could stare hard upon her amazing buns for a few golden seconds. God her pants were tight. She was tall, and her skin was creamy with a hint of strawberries. His mouth filled with drool as she reached for something and the curves of her body revealed themselves in new and interesting ways. His eyes rolled back, and he fantasized about having sex with her while eating meat and chugging booze. He set The Pulse Raven to auto, and quietly got up from his chair. The Captain was suddenly close, which startled her. She could feel the windy heat from his nose going down her back under her shirt – it gave her chills and covered her body with goose-bumps. Lower, at hip level, her thumb unlocked the safety to her blaster.
[This message has been edited by Threebrain (edited May 10, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Threebrain (edited May 10, 2011).]
posted
Version 2 is much better. Almost no problems in my eyes, however...
quote:Galaxies whizzed by, but the Captain didn’t care
My initial and lasting reaction with this was kind of meh (if that makes any sense), expecially the first three words. That sentence didn't come off strong at all.
Good start, I would definately read more.
Edit: I guess a good way to describe meh in this case is bland.
[This message has been edited by JohnColgrove (edited May 10, 2011).]
quote:They were about to pulse out of warp, but the Captain didn’t care -- Linda was finally facing away, so now he could stare hard upon her amazing buns for a few golden seconds. God her pants were tight. She was tall, and her skin was creamy with a hint of strawberries. His mouth filled with drool as she reached for something and the curves of her body revealed themselves in new and interesting ways. His eyes rolled back, and he fantasized about having sex with her while eating meat and chugging booze. He set The Pulse Raven to auto, and quietly got up from his chair. The Captain was suddenly close, which startled her. She could feel the windy heat from his nose going down her back under her shirt – it gave her chills and covered her body with goose-bumps. Lower, at hip level, her thumb unlocked the safety to her blaster.
[This message has been edited by Threebrain (edited May 10, 2011).]
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