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Author Topic: Sword and Sorcery WIP first 13
Foste
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Ok, here's the opening that's been troubling me for the last few days. I can't shake the feeling that it's clunky. Fire away.

The morning was rank with the smell of blood and smoke. The Valdians had come at dawn sowing death among the Duke’s ranks. Captain Caleena Jerah surveyed the ravaged camp, the sound of clashing blades still echoing in her head.
Priests ran to and fro tending to the heavily injured and giving the gift of mercy to those whose wounds were beyond healing. Caleena clenched the grip of her sword. Her men had fallen like wheat before the sickle. But the biggest slight to her name was that she failed to protect her liege lord.
The young Duke screamed again as Father Gernod applied layers of balm on the man’s shoulder. Green pustules skirted the wound like malignant patches of lichen. Caleena tried not to avert her gaze, lest the other soldiers took it for a sign of

[This message has been edited by Foste (edited May 04, 2011).]


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Crank
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On the first time through, I felt as if I was reading an impartial report (with the possible exception of “…sound of clashing blades still echoing in her head” passage). The last sentence in the second paragraph (“But the biggest slight to her name…”) is the biggest culprit…and how I figured out why I felt so detached; bring this fact (and its accompanying emotional / psychological ramifications) to the forefront earlier, and the reader might experience a more immediate connectivity with Caleena.

Also adding to the impartial tone I experienced was a lack of why this slaughter take place. Lots of other points for the reader to attach to could easily be crammed into the first thirteen.

S!
S!


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Reziac
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Your POV character does things like "survey" and "clench" but those take us out of her head and make us WATCH her instead of BE her. You could instead have it be her internal observation, something like "her sword hilt was still sticky with enemy blood".

Conversely, a lost battle and dire consequences seems like a reasonable start point, tho of course that will depend on the rest of the story.


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akeenedesign
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"Captain Caleena Jerah clenched the grip of her sword. Her men had fallen like wheat before the sickle and she failed to protect her liege lord."

That is a much more effective opening for me than "The morning was rank with the smell of blood and smoke." Not many readers could even begin to imagine that smell, anyway, so the line feels dead, generic. Your later lines are more alive because it's about a real person who is facing a real conflict.

I don't need to know much about your society to understand that she is not only facing the agony of losing men, but also facing the consequences of failing. This is a person I want to follow into a story.

If I were you, I would focus less on bringing the scene to life through the senses. "Showing" all of the gruesome details of what was an awesome, epic battle is a little pointless to me, when I don't know what was at stake, what they were fighting for, or why I should care. All I care about is the story of Captain Caleena Jerah, and figuring out what the consequences will be if the Duke dies.

I would suggest focusing on Caleena, because she's your anchor for this opening. I don't care about who's fighting who or why or how yet. I'm just interested in her. I'll care about the bigger stuff later. Hook me first, teach me later.

If your focus is her, then build a foundation to her character quickly so that readers immediately begin forming expectations and wants for her. Little things like, "Caleena tried not to avert her gaze" feels weak, especially for a captain. "Caleena wouldn't avert her gaze" is more assertive, more character-defining.

Hopefully this will help you figure out your beginning!


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Foste
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Excellent advice! Seeing the comments I know what bothered me. The lack of immediacy and intimacy. It is devoid of emotion.

To the keyboard!


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