posted
Looking for a fresh take. -------- The wolfman had fallen just before reaching the garden and beyond that the dense forest that bordered the backyard. Sam picked up a nearby rake and prodded the creature a few times, just in case. He could see it beginning to change form. By the time he cast the beam of his flashlight on its face the change had completed. Now, a naked man lay next to his garden. He was in his mid forties, balding on top, with a long body that was thin and sinewy. Sam recognized him immediately. “Who is it?” his wife called from the back porch. “Cameron Decker,” he called back. He heard her feet thumping down the plank steps, and then squishing across the wet lawn until she stood by his side. “Cameron Decker, our neighbor?” she asked
Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2010
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I had a tough time getting through the first sentence. I suggest changing it to something like "The wolfman fell just before reaching the garden."
Also, unless the description of Cameron Decker is important later in the story, I would cut it to read "By the time he cast the beam of his flashlight on its face the change had completed. Same recognized him immediately."
posted
I doubt if I would read too much further. Its actually well written, some vivid description and I liked the voice you have. I didn't like the word squishing, but that is trivial. What is stopping me is the lack of anything that hasn't been done before, nothing that makes this stand out among all the other, well written stories. To me, that means no real hook. Others may find it different.
Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
I think what you need here is more clarification on the shifting. Right now it's kind of ho-hum he's changing back into a man, no big deal. I would follow jay's advice about taking out Cameron's description and instead give us something descriptive about the shifting process to make us see how strange it is. Is it gory and physical, or is it more magical? Is there blood? Does the hair fall out or disappear?
Posts: 116 | Registered: Sep 2010
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posted
I agree about the first sentence. I was hung up there as well. Other than that I thought the writing was good. I actually like the word squishing
At this point it does seem like it is going to be a stereotypical werewolf type story. Of course, it is hard to make that judgement in only thirteen lines. I do think it is critical that if you don't rewrite this to include a twist on that in the first thirteen lines, you better have one quickly there after, or you will lose some of your readers.
I'm sure you've got something original in this, and I would like to read the full version to see what it is.
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