Topic: Being Unfaithful to a Demon - 640 words - Horror
XD3V0NX
unregistered
posted
I finished the first draft of this story. Let me know how it is? Does it hook? Would you read on? Would you like to have a look at it? And anything else you think I should know.
Thanks. =] ___________________________________________________________ Jason Brigham stepped into the small motel room and knew he was being watched through the cracks in the walls and ceiling. He heard floorboards creak. A footstep. This is a stupid idea, he thought, looking around. He glanced over his shoulder. What in the hell? He thought when he realized there literally was no door. His eyes widened. It’s freakin’ gone! Jason ran over to the wall where the door had been. He touched the solid gray wall. It was cold. Hard. It felt like concrete found on a shore line by a stream in the Spring. The sound of dripping water. He looked back. There was a girl sitting on his bed. She was pretty. Black hair. Clear skin. Petit figure, small nose, cherry lips. She stood up and walked over to him. He turned around, his breathing calmed.
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited October 15, 2010).]
posted
I think you have a good idea going, but I'm not sure why he's so paranoid that the door will shut--and then it's gone altogether. However: I'm wondering if you'll explain that part, since this is only thirteen lines. The part with the girl is interesting (is this the demon, I wonder?) but when you said "cheery lips" did you me "cherry" as in the color red? Just curious.
I think this simile is a bit of a stretch: like concrete found on a shore line[shoreline] by a stream in the Spring [spring]. It seems hard to get from a cool concrete wall to concrete on a shoreline by a stream in the spring.
...there literally was no door. Might sound better as 'the door was gone.' Seems more concrete
posted
A few nitpicks: -- You can generally cut things like "he heard" or "he saw" - anything involving the senses. Just say "Floorboards creaked." -- What's a stupid idea? Maybe you could be more specific (in a couple of words) on why he's in the room. -- The "concrete on a shore line" metaphor confused me. -- Instead of "There was a girl sitting on his bed," how about: "A girl sat on his bed."
Good luck with this! I like the premise. Sounds spooky.
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