“Stop that man! He’s trying to escape!” Doctor Porcine shuffled after Fenton Marshall, mental hospital patient and suicide risk, as he made for the exit doors of the hospital. The Dr. clutched his fist to his chest from the exertion even though he had only jogged 15 feet from his office.
Fenton had had enough of this crazy place and wanted out. He got to the front doors and found them to be magnetically locked as he tried pulling them open. Dr. Porcine was only 60 feet from him but it would take the portly doctor several minutes to force himself to travel the entire distance to apprehend him.
Fortunately for the doctor, there were two rather large orderlies at the security desk who could do that for him. They struggled desperately out of their complaining metal chairs and
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Second draft...

Fenton Marshall, recently pronounced mental patient and suicide risk bolted for the exit doors of the hospital he was trapped in.
“Stop that man! He’s trying to escape!” yelled the psychiatrist as he shuffled after his patient. The extremely overweight doctor, not used to moving on his own, clutched his fist to his chest from the exertion, even though he had only jogged 15 feet from his office. The doctor was 60 feet from his patient but it would take him several minutes to force himself to travel the entire distance to apprehend him.
Fenton had had enough of this crazy place and wanted out. He knew he wasn’t crazy. He knew his three friends he had gotten here with weren’t crazy either. And he knew that they didn’t belong in this crazy world where everyone was

[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited August 16, 2010).]

It's not clear who the main character is. I'd guess the patient is. It would be more clear if the point of view was tightened up in favor of the MC; or starting the story with the MC. (If it's the patient, have him bolt for the door before the doctor shouts.)

With names like Dr. Porcine, this is looking like Animal Farm meets Cuckoo's Nest. Even so, the doctor must be nearly disabled to take several minutes to go 60 feet.

Some nits:
--made for the exit doors of the hospital: you could probably leave out 'of the hospital' since the sentence earlier established they were in a hospital.
--The Dr. clutched.... I think this should be 'doctor'. 'Dr.' is a form of address.
--in general, I think the second paragraph should be tightened up and made more active (showing rather than telling). It's a bit distancing. For example: Dr. Porcine looked at the 60 feet separating him from Fenton and shook his head. He hobbled another step.

The second sentence felt like a mouthful and I found myself reading it rather slow. I would abbreviate docotor and only give Fenton one name. You can introduce the second name later.

I found it hard to believe that Dr. Porcine had such a hard time moving. I've found that very large men can move quick when they want to, but not for very long. Unless he is morbidly obese he should be able to at least sprint down a long hallway, and if he is that large I am wondering how he can even hold down a job and fit in a chair.

I get the impression right up front from the name 'Dr Porcine' that there are comedy elements to this story. Am I right?

The line "Fenton had had enough of this crazy place and wanted out" seems to be 'telling' instead of 'showing'. We already know Fenton wants out - he's trying to escape, after all.

I won't repeat the other assessments, which I generally agree with.

Since the writing is very strong I will not hold back on some nits. I don't know if Doctor Porcine would need to add "He's trying to escape!" to his yell of stop that man. Assuming that Fenton is still dressed like a patient the orderlies will help the doctor without explanation and if the Doctor is so overweight he may be too out of breath to add the second line. I realize that you are setting the scene, and so maybe it is the most efficient way to explain the scenario.

I didn't read the other comments on purpose, so I wouldn't be influenced by it. If I repeat something that someone said, thats a good indication that you should address it

I think you are getting too particular in the details here:

"The extremely overweight doctor, not used to moving on his own, clutched his fist to his chest from the exertion, even though he had only jogged 15 feet from his office. The doctor was 60 feet from his patient but it would take him several minutes to force himself to travel the entire distance to apprehend him. "

I think going into the details of distances so precisely is slowing down this paragraph. Also, you can be more efficient in some of the wording. For example, replace "extremely overweight" with "obese".

Also, before this part, you say the doctor is shuffling, but then you say he was jogging. Maybe you can replace shuffled with "lumbered.
"
I might try something like this:

Fenton Marshall, recently pronounced suicide risk, bolted for the exit of the hospital that imprisoned him.
“Stop that man! He’s trying to escape!” yelled the psychiatrist as he lumbered after his patient.
The obese doctor, unused to moving on his own, clutched his fist to his chest as if to keep it from pounding its way out. His fugitive patient was at the far end of the hall but the doctor was exhausted before he closed half the distance.

Notice I struck the use of "mental patient." We get this from the fact he is a suicide risk, in a hospital, being pursued by a doctor. So the mental patient phrase is redundant.

Jenny, you should edit your post to the above.
Your 2nd entry is way over 13 lines.

My comments -
It's very telling. I know you want to give us this info, but if you can, try to give it through character.

This starts in the middle of the action - which is OK - but in this case I don't think it's the right place because while we know Fenton wants to get out, what's more interesting to me is how he got there. I say that because you're creating an entire world where things are a little off and you may find yourself in telling or back story mode to explain it. Which may not be the best vehicle for character.

An example might be: Fenton is sitting at a prohibition veggie cafe when it gets raided. The heavy officers break down the door and despite their large size they can move. He gets locked up, not in jail, but the nut house. He's not overweight so he must be crazy.

Now you've started with some action, and a character with a problem, and are on your way toward explaining your world without having "told" the reader your world.

The above is just off the hip, so please don't think I'm telling you to write that scene, it's just an example.

Also, I don't believe you should use numbers in place of words. One of these days I'm going to look up the "official" rules on that, but I'd stick with words in the case of your measurements.

Axe

Anyway. Imagine this is a movie and you go to the theater not knowing the title or having seen a preview.

You sit and the lights go dim and you much some popcorn and it starts.

A man is running down the hall of a mental hospital. That we can see. A very overweight man yells "stop him". He's out of breath and clutching his chest.
The would be escapee hits the front doors and can't get out.

So far - that's all we know because that's all we've seen.
We really don't know Fenton isn't a killer and the good guy is the psychiatrist.

OSC says - SHOW a scene. TELL between scenes.

Now, if this is meant to be funny then Fenton is playing the straight man. Perhaps the psychiatrist wheezes out of his office while holding an Italian sub. He spits his food out while yelling "Stop him!" But then shrugs his shoulders and keeps eating.

Or take it a step further and he picks up the food from the floor, brushes it on his ample belly, and eats it.

Now you've shown me what's more important. You can introduce other overweight people as Fenton encounters them, but now we have a hint at absurdity and that all is not right with the world. The crazy people are in charge and someone is trying to escape a world gone wrong.

Anyway, just throwing this out there.