posted
Looking for thoughts. ---------------------
Theodore Reilly was recruited into the army the day he was born. Eighteen years later he sat in a dropship, adequately armed, but protected only by a fiber-polymer vest and helmet. Entering atmosphere, he pondered what he might have been if not a grunt. A cook perhaps? Someone made the food he ate in the mess each day.
The dropship landed hard against alien soil. Hydraulics sounded as the bay door opened and bullets immediately poured in, shredding through the light armor worn by Theo’s shipmates. He survived only because the grunt next to him leaned forward into three bullets.
The firing ceased only when others from his squadron quieted the initial resistance. Theo stood, and along with only six
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 12, 2010).]
posted
There is a lot I like about it. But it's a bit distant considering there are bullets flying. I especially recommend dropping the first sentence (and adding the requisite patching). Add that detail later. It's important, but doesn't need to drag down what should be a fast-paced opener from the get-go.
I'd try to inject a little passion into the MC. He barely survived.
Good luck with it
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 12, 2010).]
posted
I agree with Wouldbe, its good but it'll be better if the first sentence gets us into the action. Maybe start with "The dropship landed hard against alien soil."
The scene, starting like that, invokes Saving Private Ryan images in my head, and thats not a bad thing. It makes the point that war is a swift kick in the balls and there is no time to think about what the MC could have been. I think it works better like this:
The dropship landed hard against alien soil. Hydraulics sounded as the bay door opened and bullets immediately poured in, shredding through the light armor worn by Theo’s shipmates. He survived only because the grunt next to him leaned forward into three bullets.
The firing ceased only when others from his squadron quieted the initial resistance. Theo stood, and along with only six others out of forty-five walked down the ramp onto a planet they hoped to someday call their home.
You could then have the reflection about being recruited and what he could have been. It would carry more punch if he is thinking about that as he is surrounded by the dead bodies of his comrades. THAT scene would give him reason to reflect on a life outside of soldiering.
posted
I'll add one more bit--I see a lot of these military drop-and-insert openings. I don't know if they rise to the level of cliche opening, but I suspect it's close. Something to consider....
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Don't know why, but Starship Troopers popped in my head when I read it. Not sure what that means for you. Depends on what you're going for, but that's what it reminded me off right off.
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posted
WouldBe - you said: "try to inject a little passion into the MC." See, that's why I post this stuff. He has a large memory wipe before the drop... but that doesn't make him unfeeling.
Osiris - I love it! This could be the solution I've been looking for. The story is about him trying to find out who he is and what he was meant to be, but looking back at the story as a whole that theme never popped for me. If it doesn't work for me, it's not going to work for others - but with your fix you've given him the -motive- to seek out the meaning in his life which makes each subsequent reference more important.
Brett - I like that too. =)
WouldBe2 - I hear ya on the cliche, and I might avoid it if there was a lot more of these type action sequences, but we soon learn that for him, as well as the story, there wasn't much to his life before this first drop.
Thomask - Good point. I don't have a description of the aliens they fight (because the story gets off the planet so quickly) but I will be sure not to make them bugs.
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