posted
I've really been having problems with the beginning of my story because it doesn't get to the science fiction element right off the bat... or at least not in the first sentence or two. I really had to condence much of what I first wrote to get the science fiction into the 1st 13. I need advice on how to do this better, quicker, and more efficiently, and still have my story. See what you think:
The meadow blurred beneath racing hooves, and Charlie grinned at the forest rushing to greet her. All too soon she shifted her weight to shorten Shadow’s stride. No sense blundering into a mud hole or stumble over a downed tree though she still let the mare gallop the trail.
Charlie’s head snapped up to see a large animal on the trail ahead. A man! With no clothes? He looked up. Their eyes met. Good Lord, he wasn’t expecting this either. “Whoa!” Charlie felt Shadow slide and knock the man into the underbrush.
A hum filled the air. Charlie gaped at a glittering blanket curling about her. In seconds it dissipated along with the forest to be replaced with some kind of laboratory and another man gawking at something behind her. She looked back and screamed, ***************************************************************** Edited to add revised version. See what you think:
A man? With no clothes? The man’s head snapped up to gape at Charlie galloping Shadow his way. Good Lord, he wasn’t expecting this either! “Whoa!” Charlie tightened the reins. Shadow’s hooves skated on trail mud, and Charlie cringed when the mare knocked the man into the brush.
A low hum caused Shadow to shake her head while Charlie gaped at a golden cloud swirling about her. In seconds it dissipated to reveal a small barn converted into a specialized workshop.
Another man stood beside a console. Raised brows wrinkled his forehead before a shocked gaze traveled beyond Charlie. She looked back and screamed, again and again and again. She heard the man shouting but didn’t care, not with Shadow’s neck and head
[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited July 29, 2010).]
posted
You could try to focus on getting the conflict into the first sentence. Your opening paragraph right now is descriptive and does not tell me much at all except that Charlie is on a horse, and that does not sound like it will prove to be important later on. So, for that opening sentence and paragraph, focus on the moment Charlie sees the man, or on the moment after, when the blanket folds around her. You can work the other informaton -- in a forest, on a horse -- into that momement, which is much more critital for creating tension and jump-starting the plot.
posted
I will address your question of how to get the sf element into the story quickly.
You have some wonderful descriptive elements that help me get a feel for the place. Cut it. Cut it hard. Get rid of the whole first paragraph. Start the story with Charlie galloping up the trail and seeing the man. The rest of it seems to get to the sf part pretty quick.
I am thinking that Charlie is in some sort of a holodeck, but the line "...replaced with some kind of laboratory..." makes me think that she doesn't know where she is and she really thought she was galloping along a trail in the forest. I feel this needs to be clarified if she does know she is in a holodeck, if she doesn't know, then it is fine the way it is.
Tightening up the beginning will let you get to the sf part faster, and let more of the story be told in the first 13. The writing is good and the story sounds interesting. I would read on.
posted
I think you've actually done a nice job here (I'm thinking accidental time travel or teleportation for Charlie.) Nice descriptions. The sci-fi element comes along soon enough for me, but you could get to it quicker as suggested. My problem is actually with the establishment of normal. Charlie is riding a horse through a meadow, toward a forest. I need to know more about what/where/when normal is before things change for her. I'll assume we're starting on Earth, but I have no feel for the time period. You can give quick hints. If it's modern, she 's listening to her iPod. If it's medieval, Lord So-And-So's castle is in the distance. Good luck! Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Yes, I feel the writing must be tighter, and I should get to the science fiction element quicker. I was also thinking about getting rid of the first paragraph and explain Charlie is riding a horse in the description of the collision. And, yes, that Charlie is riding a horse is very vital to the story. Actually, it leads to what the story is all about.
With all the guesses about where and when Charlie is and what happened to her, I feel I did my job. I've raised questions to urge my readers to continue reading to find out what's going on. All is explained soon after Charlie ends up in the lab with the other strange man.
I never gave a holodeck a thought when I wrote this. After Charlie ends up in the lab, the strange man explains about the experimental teleporter... and the story continues from there.
Thanks everyone for the feedback, and I'll see what I can do with my 1st 13 before asking for an actual crit. But I do have another story I'm trying to finish up on too. I started working on this one while waiting for crits on the other. Ahhh, the life of an unpublished author.
[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited July 28, 2010).]
posted
I would also say that a lack of focuse and a slightly disorganized, hurried feel here are much more an issue than the speed, or lack thereof of introducing the speculative element. The writing itself feels a little breathless and all over the place, to me. I'd say worry less about what gets in where and concentrate on making it natural.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
I'm not so sure why there is a need to immediately get to the science fiction element of the story? I think its more important to get to the narrative hook, which for me comes when Charlie encounters the man on the trail with no clothes. I am asking myself why there is a man with no clothes and compelled to read on to find out. I don't really have any reason to be hooked by the description of the meadow rushing by in the sentence prior to that.
I agree with the previous poster who was not enamored with "replaced with some kind of laboratory", which is followed by "gawking at something behind her." Whenever I see a writer say "something" or "some kind of" I feel like they are glossing over something they ought to be fleshing out or describing with a detail. Perhaps instead of stating it is some kind of lab you could give something more descriptive. Perhaps she finds herself garbed in a lab coat or a hospital gown, or she is jarred by a cold septic lighting, or is surrounded by sterile white tile, or is hooked up to some lab equipment,etc.. Similarly, he could be gawking at a device that you could briefly describe.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited July 28, 2010).]
posted
Osiris; I agree with everything you said, but this is the beginning of my first draft. I don't even have the entire story down yet, though I know how I want it to go. Believe me, I'll take your comments under serious advisement once I finish the first draft .
And Merlion; You are right on, my friend. Even I felt like I was rushing things to get to the science fiction hook. I think, in part this is why I asked for help and felt like I was really struggling with this opening. Thank you for your insight.
[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited July 28, 2010).]
posted
Definitely better in my opinion, still some room for improvement.
-I like the opening, it made me chuckle. One thing is slightly confusing with it. I assume the "A man? with no clothes?" is from Charlie's POV, yet the next sentence appears to be from the man's POV. That leaves me confused with who is thinking "Good Lord, he wasn't expecting this".
- The details of the room Charlie is in are better than the prior version. I can picture it now whereas before it was ambiguous.
posted
I figured out what was bothering me. The line "Good Lord, he wasn’t expecting this either!" Does anyone walk around nude on a forest path expecting to be run down by a horse? I think this line should be cut. I found it distracting and it pulled me out of the story as I tried to figure out how it fit. Just my idea, I would still read on.
Posts: 212 | Registered: Aug 2005
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