The sharp crack of a rifle jarred Ezra from his sleep. With periodic uprisings on the West Bank, Ezra had grown accustomed to hearing gunfire but this was much closer. The source of the gunfire must have been the checkpoint manned by IDF troopers just a block away. As he crept toward the window, shouts from the troopers challenging someone reached him. Ezra could now see a body twitching on the dirt in front of the checkpoint as more people emerged from the shadows and rushed the checkpoint. A rapid series of cracks indicated that the troopers had switched to fully automatic fire and a stream of tracers stabbed out from a machinegun. As bullets lashed into the crowd, Ezra was sure of the outcome. As the sun rose, he would see broken bodies littering the open area in front of the checkpoint and the Palestinians would retaliate.
posted
All of the following should be read with an IMHO (in my humble opinion) prefix. My take:
quote:[The sharp crack of a rifle jarred Ezra from his sleep.<-- Passive. Suggest:Ezra awoke to the sharp crack of a rifle.] [With periodic uprisings on the West Bank,<--Suggest cutting this. See following italics.] Ezra had grown accustomed to hearing gunfire [on the West Banks,] but this was much closer. The [source of the<--Cut.] gunfire must have been [at] the [IDF-manned] checkpoint[,] [manned by IDF troopers<--Cut.] just a block away. As he crept toward the window, challenging shouts from the troopers [challenging someone<--Cut. Should go without saying] reached him. [Ezra could now see<--[Cut. It's Ezra's POV, this also should go without saying.] A body twitch[ed] on the dirt in front of the checkpoint[,] as more people emerged from the shadows and rushed the [checkpoint<--Suggest replacing this so it's only used once in this sentence. Maybe: guards. [A rapid series of cracks indicated that the troopers had switched to fully automatic fire and a stream of tracers stabbed out from a machinegun.<--Again, passive. Maybe:The troopers flashed a series of staccato bursts and tracers into the crowd. They must have switched to full-auto.] [As bullets lashed into the crowd,<--Cut.] [Ezra was sure of the outcome.<--Cut. If he didn't look away--in which case he wouldn't have seen the details--this is redundant.] [As t<--Cut.T]he sun rose[, he would see<--Suggest replacing with: on the] broken bodies[.] [littering the open area in front of the checkpoint and<--Redundant. cut.T]he Palestinians would retaliate.
My humble version:
quote: Ezra awoke to the sharp crack of a rifle. He had grown accustomed to hearing insurgent's gunfire on the West Banks, but this was much closer. The gunfire must have been at the IDF-manned checkpoint, just a block away. As he crept toward the window, challenging shouts from the troopers reached him. A body twitched on the dirt before the checkpoint, as more people emerged from the shadows and rushed the guards. The troopers flashed a series of staccato bursts and tracers into the crowd. They must have switched to full-auto. The sun rose over the broken bodies and Ezra knew the Palestinians would retaliate.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 23, 2010).]
posted
Repetition of words: gunfire, checkpoint, crack. Try varying them. First sentence is passive, as IB said, as is "shouts from the troopers... reached him." The last sentence confuses me. If Ezra can already see what is happening, why does he have to wait until the sun rises to see?
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
You use the word "as" four times. I advise getting rid of them. And see if you can find stronger verbs to substitute for "was", "has", "had", "have been", etc. You will discover that this will make your writing feel more imminent, instead of making it sound like something that happened way in the past.
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posted
It comes over as crisp, dry, reportage; there's no emotion in this. If that's a deliberate choice (given the subject matter, it may be) then all well and good, but it's the thing tht struck me most about the opening.
posted
I read this one awhile ago and could not put my finger on what was bugging me about it. Tchern just hit on it: no emotional hook, as though it came from a newspaper report. Maybe you did that on purpose; Ezra has experienced so much violence that it does not register with him emotionally anymore. If so, you might want to at least hint at that in the opening.
posted
Also "Walking Dead" is already an established name and IP. It's a critically acclaimed comic book by Robert Kirkman and it's getting a 6 episode TV adaptation on AMC. "Walking Dead Chronicles" might be different enough that you can get away with it but you might just want to rethink the title just to stay on the safe side.
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