Melvin showed no fear, and easily evaded the bee’s efforts.

He watched the bee slowly sink to the hot sidewalk below, and lye there helpless in front of him, his fate now surrendered to Melvin’s God like ability to crush him out of existence.

But an unusual thought crossed Melvin's mind, “Was this bee asking for his help? Did he think Melvin was a God, and now preyed for his assistance in some plight?”

- "lye" is a chemical solution used in making soap. Use "lie" instead (matches subordinate use of "sink" - the non-basin kind).

"God-like" requires a "-".

The word "and" is only preceded by a comma if the second part of the sentence has its own subject. If the "and" clause shares the subject with the first part of the sentence, then you do not use a comma.

I can't figure out what the story is supposed to bee (haha) about. It is pointed out specifically that Melvin showed no fear of the bee and easily avoids it, is this important? I can't see why it needs to be addressed so directly, it is how I would expect most people to act. True, some people freak out when they see a bee, but it's been my experience that most people don't.

The story as a whole just seems odd. I can't imagine thinking a bee would ask a person for help, or even have the ability to comprehend the idea of a god.

I don't like the beginning of the current 3rd paragraph. Why did the bee sink to the sidewalk and become helpless? I'd like it worded differently and to understand why.

Natural subjects that deal with common people realizing how great it is to be human, about seeing the true potential we all share is a tough subject for me.

My MC's though often humorous, and beset by the limits of being human, are usually larger than life. This story challenges me because every day I feel lucky to be blessed with some measure of talent, and it baffles me how unmotivated so many people I know really are. So this story deals with an average unmotivated person starting to realize the truly limitless possibilities you have in a human life. Which is opposite of the way I think so it pushes me to think outside myself and explore what it means to live a life content with the same average day over and over again and the small events that can make them feel there on a grand adventure. So this kind of imagery is a real challenge for me to write.

It is a good idea to leave your original as it is and edit your post to include a revised version below--this allows everyone to learn from comments made about it.

Your post is not thirteen lines--it is far less. Blank lines don't count in your 13 lines. It is a good idea to post 13 lines irrespective of whether it feels like a good or bad place to end your intro. It allows people a better feel of your writing and means their comments can be better directed.

There was something strange [What is strange about a bee buzzing around someone? Bees do that...If you want to create a mystery you have to do better than simply say something is mysterious, you must show us something mysterious] about the bee as it seemed to float in slow motion [it was flying--yes? The slow motion bit seems a little like cinematic cueing.], hovering and dipping side to side, looking for a place to land on Melvin’s shirt.
Melvin showed no fear [Showed no fear yet evaded? Sounds like he is scared! Who is looking at him or is he consciously 'showing no fear'? If you want me to see Melvin 'showing no fear' then we have a POV problem; if you want me feel Melvin 'showing no fear' I would suggest re-phrasing] and easily evaded the bee’s efforts.

He watched[Cut 'he watched'; we know it is Melvin's POV. If the bee lands we know this because we know Melvin sees it] the bee slowly sink to the hot sidewalk below [Cut - 'below'--we know where the sidewalk is in relation to a standing human (usually)]and lie there helpless in front of him; his [It's a 'he' bee? I thought they were generally female. However bees are generally refererred to as 'its' as they don't reproduce except for the queens and males (did Melvin look?) fate now surrendered to Melvin’s God-like [I would say god-like, as the reference is generally broader than the just the christian god]ability to crush him out of existence.

But an unusual [This is telling IMO. Tell us the thought and we can judge if it is unusual, unless it is simply unusual for Melvin]thought crossed Melvin's mind, “Was this bee asking for his help?[Thoughts are usually done simply by italics. Where did I read that? Also this is direct thoughts yet Melvin refers to himself as he...Proper editing before posting is a good idea.] Did he think Melvin was a God [A god (small g) or God (big G)]and now prayed for his assistance in some plight?”

Last paragraph suggestion:

Melvin peered down at the small insect and rubbed his chin. Was this bee asking for his help? Did it think Melvin was a god and now prayed for his assistance in some plight.

I think you need to read a book like The Elements of Style by Strunk and White to iron out some of these basic errors. Also, what constitutes a hook? Your intro doesn't have a hook (for me)--go to the challenge section of Hatrack and read some of the entries for competitions (intro). You will see the difference between hooky intros and less hooky intros.

I did a line count before posting, it told me 13. It was courier db. space. Perhaps because I did an edit to the original it changed the count. I'll post changes below it from now on.

I purposely posted this one, because I knew it had mistakes I was making. To me it always felt wrong, but sometimes your looking at something, but don't see the obvious. I knew it would get hammered, but would be a crash course in why it felt so off. You can read about writing, but sometimes to understand that subtle difference of how a comma is placed or a capital for instance, you have to take it to the paper and see it in action.

This post was far better for me than any I could get a thumbs up for, because now I see why I considered this one so off. The temptation is to only post what you feel confident about to get the few tweaks left. This one encompassed a lot of blind spots, it was a good shot in the arm as to where to focus my research on fixing them.

Being eloquent at describing something as simple as an encounter with a bee truly challenges me language wise, and strongly brings into focus all my weaknesses. If I can start to find the proper grammatical prose to convey such an event and hook the reader I believe it will truly help my ability as a writer.

Thanks everyone for the good insight, and any other obvious problems please don't hold back. It's the only way I'll learn.

and S. I'll check out that book, thanks.

W.

PS. I put the original text back in the first post so people could learn from it.

How curious was the life that surrounds us, Melvin thought to himself, watching the honey bee. It was strange to feel such a small creature, devoid of thought, would purposely bar his path, yet there it was hovering in place, not but a foot from his chest. He watched it slowly descend to the ground, and land before him. What power human’s have to affect the lives of such creatures, Melvin reflected. How like gods we stand before them and could easily decide there fate.

But as Melvin watched the small insect waiting there, facing him, the barest movement to be seen, he could not help but feel some message was trying to be conveyed.

You change tense in first seven words - "was" is past and "surrounds" is present - these should stay consistent even in a maxim.

In the third sentence you have that comma in front of the "and" without a second subject again. The word "humans" does not need an apostrophe, but you did use "affect" correctly, which is often misused - so cheers to that.

quote:

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How like gods we stand before them and could easily decide there fate.

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quote:

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...he could not help but feel some message was trying to be conveyed.

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Suggestion:

If I sent you an e-mail asking if you wanted to read. Please ignore. I'll stick to first 13 for now.

Thanks again,

W.