posted
Here's the first 13 of a planned short story, but after working off my outline and writing the first 1600 words, I suspect it might go novella. I'd love to have any suggestions for improvement, and to know whether or not it makes you want to read more. I'm also up for exchanging full story crits if anyone is interested.
------------------------------ New Version
My mom once said that finding your way to Endtown -- officially known as The City at the End of the World, or, as my kid sister likes to call it, “The City of the Eternally Impending Apocalypse" -- is like finding your way to the land of Faerie. Only it has department stores, a farmer's market, and a really great internet connection. And no faeries. At least, not that we've seen so far.
Endtown has other things. "Eldritch abominations," as my sister likes call them, but she's just being over-dramatic as usual. I've never known anyone to go insane from looking at them, and you can see most of them from anywhere in town, towering over the surrounding forest, some almost as enormous as the steep, snow-capped mountains that completely surround
------------------------------
------------------------------ Old Version
Not everyone can find Endtown. Most people wouldn't want to find Endtown (rightly so) and so they don't. I've heard some of the guys at school speculate that it's one of those in-between places that you won't find on any map because it's like a crack in reality, or a parallel dimension, or that its very existence has something to do with string theory and black holes. Another idea that gets bantered around a lot is that Endtown is just as much a part of the real world as New York, London or Tokyo, only it's just really well hidden. So well hidden that you can't find it on Google Earth. I know. I've tried. My mom once said that finding your way to Endtown was like finding your way to the land of Faerie, only with department stores, a rather pleasant farmer's market, and a ------------------------------ [This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 07, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Krista (edited July 14, 2010).]
posted
Decent converational voice that works, but you spend more time telling us what Endtown isn't than what it is, and you don't really tell us anything else, so I'm not entirely hooked.
I would read on, because of the strong voice, though it's borderline.
posted
I was really enjoying this up through the sentence ending in "black holes." After that, it started to feel redundant. I was left with the impression of a teenager rambling on and on about Endtown without ever getting to the point.
I would give this a few more lines because the voice is good, but something would have to happen pretty quickly to keep my interest for the long haul.
posted
I agree about getting to the point. Instead of telling us theories about what Endtown is or isn't, consider telling us what makes it unique. What is strange about it?
Posts: 1993 | Registered: Jul 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
I agree. I wrote a long comment that I didn't post in the end because it felt too negative. I liked the voice, but it all happens in a vacuum; there are no characters, setting or anything apart from commentary on Endtown's mysterious nature.
It is feasible to have such an intro, but you will need to be more dynamic in order to take the reader with you--it feels as though you got caught in an eddie and just ended up spinning round and round.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 10, 2010).]
posted
Voice is good, but you've spent the entire first 13 telling us that Endtown is hard to find. So far I don't have a reason to care. Does our protag know anything about it other than this? Why does he want to find it?
BTW - "My mom once said that finding..." feels like a better start to me.
posted
Thanks for all the feedback, everyone. Seems like the main complaint is the same - namely that I haven't given a reason for anyone to care about what Endtown is - so I'm going to do a bit of reworking and see if I can fix that problem.
NTTT, I like your suggestion. I'm going to give it a try to see if it helps make the opening paragraph salvageable. From some of the comments, however, I may have to start the story in a completely different place.
posted
I love a good voice, and this has one. Both versions actually have a great voice, though I think the new version is better.
The issue is that, as good as the writing is, you are narrating. Now I like it, and trust that eventually you will get to the meat of the story, just most people around here want to know if the character they will be following is male or female. They want to know a name, and they want to know where the character is while they are thinking in this strong voice. They want the start of the story in the first thirteen.
In your mind, as the author, is the character writing this down, or are they telling this story to a friend. Is it a blog entry? I think if you answered that last question in the thirteen, you would get a more positive review.
posted
I think the new version is better. I would read on because the voice is good and the setting has potential, but I would be very much hoping you do get to actual story soon - by the next paragraph, ideally.
Just my opinion. Feel free to reject it.
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited July 15, 2010).]
posted
I tend to narrate a LOT so that doesn't bug me as much. The new version definitely tells us more of what Endtown is rather than what it is not.
Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
The new version is much better. Now that the initial issue I had is clearing up, I'm seeing another one: no hint of conflict. The voice is still great, but without any indication that there is a problem to resolve and this isn't just a sight-seeing tour, I won't read on much farther. My advice is to get to the story more quickly. Good luck with it!
Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2008
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
