posted
Hi Folks. ***WARNING*** This is not SF! Read on at your own peril!
When I wrote this story I was not cognizant of the 13 line concept, so these opening lines are not as purposeful as they might otherwise be. This is the first fiction I've ever written as an adult (I want to write SF, but chose a known setting for my first story just to get writing). Please be gentle!
Christine eyed the top of the rise in the distance and began to pedal faster. The air wavered where fresh blacktop met blue Missouri sky. Even after nearly a week of outdoor exercise she was not used to the oppressive heaviness of the moisture-laden southern air. Back home on the Canadian prairie a mid-day sun would have burned off such mugginess long ago. Here, green corn flanked the curving black roadway, its tall straight ranks challenging the bright sun to beat down harder still. Pedalling through this tacit contest, the line of brightly coloured, spandexed cyclists looked like visitors from another time, foreign and frenetic in the midst of the still, rural landscape. Joan watched Christine attack the hill before them and set her jaw to make the same effort. The older woman inwardly shook her head as her thirteen-year-old daughter increased the…
I promise the rest of it is less blah! If anyone who digs contemporary fiction would want to read the whole thing (it’s short), just let me know. Looking forward to your feedback!
P.S I promise my next offering (whenever that is) will be speculative
Edited to fix grammatical errors kindly pointed out to me.
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 10, 2010).]
posted
Hi and welcome. I think you have good skills. There's good description and a strong point of view. What this lacks is a little bit of conflict. There was the barest hint of one at the end when she is getting ready to attack the hill.
I think you should cut out most of the description. I thought it was good but there's too much of it. It's in a big chunk and I started to zone it out after the second sentence of it. Then give a little conflict whether it's her straining against her body to reach the hill or an alien space ship come to...oh ya, it's not sci/fi. I'll give it a read if you like.
posted
It's pedalling, meaning to rotate thepedals on a bicycle, not peddling, meaning to sell items (usually small/cheap ones).
"it's tall, straight ranks" should be "its tall straight ranks". It's is used as a shorthand for "it is", but NOT as the posessive pronoun. Unlike other possessives, pronouns do not get an apostrophe (you would have been right to say "the corn's tall straight ranks").
"through this tacit contest" - tacit means unspoken but mutually understood, and for me didn't feel like the right choice, although I'm not really sure what you're attempting to convey.
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited June 09, 2010).]
posted
Thanks for taking the time posters. I agree with what you noticed about lack of any evidence of a conflict. It ends up being an identity/coming of age conflict from two POV's (daughter and mother) rather than a physical conflict with the hills, but there's really no hint of that in the first 13.
Thank you for the book recomendation Axe. I could really use something like that!
Thanks for the technical pointers tchernabyelo. I'm blushing that there are so many in only 13 lines. That was the meaning of tacit I was going for, thereby personifying both the corn and the sun as a descriptive device. Thanks for letting me know it didn't work for you. This actually started as more of a descriptive exercise than a story. Clearly there's a lot of work yet to be done.
Thank you for the offer satate. I'll send it over.
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited June 09, 2010).]
posted
I agree with Satate. I did start zoning out a little. And I too see it lacks a bit of conflict. I also think dialogue would help speed it up. You have good description, but there is too much of it. Maybe shorten it, so you can add more of your thirteen lines in there.
And there was something about the first sentence that I found a little awkward. It just didn't sound right to me: "Christine eyed the top of the rise in the distance and began to peddle faster." What gets me is the top of the rise of what? I got the rest of what you said, but I don't really care for this opening sentence. I couldn't figure out what you meant by rise? Not exactly. But when I saw "Peddle" I knew it had something to do with the water, so it had me guess.
Hope this helps.
I'm not very good sometimes with my critiques. I'm still trying to get better with them.
posted
I got into the feel of the opening until you talked about the line of cyclists and their spandex. The close personal aspect that was interesting was broken by that line and, to me, it never returned because the POV seemingly began to shift. I would keep it in her head all the way through the first thirteen and then pull away, but being careful about the POV.
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