posted
This is my first 13 lines for a horror drifting into speculative fiction, the premises is a hypnosis session gone wrong, leaving the main character with a monster constantly in the peripheral of their vision.
On the highest hilltop overlooking the moonlit town of Stow, a lone man stood over three graves, his eyes transfixed at the flicking neon torches of the town’s streetlamps below. It was a warm summer night, but Aiden’s skin was chilled by the breath of his monster standing just inches from his face. The rule was simple, as long as he kept it in the corner of his eye, never to face it, he kept it prisoner. It remained locked as a dark presence in the peripheral of his sight; reminding him that he too was a prisoner. His mesmeric vision of the town was interrupted by the darting light of a lone car snaking up the hillside. His stomach tightened at the thought that very soon the driver and his two passengers would be the occupiers of the empty graves.
posted
You have an interesting concept but the way it is written doesn't grab me. Parts of it feel like you're explaining it to me instead of giving me a story. To pull out that standard line, you're doing too much telling and not enough showing.
Consider describing the creature's cold breath on his face and how it makes him feel. Describe the little he can see of the creature flitting through his peripheral vision. Is it snarling, does it smell, can he feel its tension and hunger? And then, leave a little mystery instead of telling all of the pertinent information up front.
posted
Agreed, there is an intriguing idea here (though a little reminiscent of the Weeping Angels in Dr Who) but you aren't quite bringing it to life. The prose feels heavy and needs to be deft. There are little issues like describing the town lights as "flicking neon torches" (street lights don't flicker, which I assume is what you meant, and aren't neon); issues like describing him s a "lone man" when he isn't alone (and why use "lone man" when you name him in the next sentence? Why not give us his name?).
But the mysteries (who the MC is, what the monster is, what their relationship is, why the three people are driving up to the hilltop and why there are graves already in place for them) have promise.
posted
This probably won't be a long critique, because I don't really have much to say. I think this is pretty good, though. I like the visual you are giving, too. The only thing I really thought was a problem was the last sentence: "His stomach tightened at the thought that very soon the driver and his two passengers would be the occupiers of the empty graves."
You say "his" in this twice, and at first when I read this, and again the second time, I couldn't help but think the first "his" went along with the second "his." What I'm saying is: I thought the passengers belonged to the lone guy, and I was like what the heck, that makes no sense...But when I read it over the third time, I understood what you meant and the second "him" belonged to the driver.
posted
I felt the prose was a little heavy. Flickering neon torches? I've never heard of neon torches before. It made it difficult to get a read on the era of the piece.
I thought the idea was great, but there were still questions that made me pause. What happened if he didn't keep the monster in the corner of his eye? Would he be consumed? Would the monster go away? Was he really the monster? Were the occupants of the vehicle invited, by him, to the slaughter? I think too many questions for an opening without answers. It operates as a hook, but perhaps too large of one to really grab me.
posted
Wish you hadn't told us the premise - I'd rather only have the first 13 to go from...
I like the picture and feel overall, but agree with genevive42. There is lots of potential for giving us some physical sensations. Could also use some tightening up and removal of unnecessary words. We already know he's on a hill over the town - do we need to know about streetlamps? (Actually - that's also inconsistent. Is the town moonlit or lamplit?)
quote:On a hilltop overlooking the moonlit town of Stow, Aiden stood over three graves. It was a warm summer night, but his skin was chilled by the breath of his monster, standing just inches from his face. As long as he kept it in the corner of his eye, never to face it, he kept it prisoner. It remained locked as a dark presence in the periphery of his sight; reminding him that he too was a prisoner. He watched the darting lights of a car snaking up the hillside. His stomach tightened. Very soon, the driver and his two passengers would be in the empty graves.
posted
I agree with genieve as well. I think she hit the nail on the head.
I suggest you focus on the hook of the story, your MC's need to keep the monster in his perpherial vision (Don't blink!). Write from his perspective as if the reader is looking through his eyes. Not easy but will be something if you can accomplish it.
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