posted
This is the first thirteen for a 6,600 word SF Story.
Second Attempt This starts a few minutes earlier and I took out some of the visuals that stupefied all of readers.
So the boy disappeared on this trans-station, Bona thought as he finalized his docking documentation. He used his collar to call up the map of the station and found it odd that a message found its way to him.
Information about the one you seek can be found at The Space Rattle.
That was all. His collar analyzed the message but it was from a public message station. Not good, he thought as he gnashed his teeth. Bona hoped the boy would be wandering in the corridors and he could just pick him up and take him back to a Space Ranger office in the Nordia systems and be done with it.
He called up The Space Rattle on the station db. The collar projected a station schematic only he could see. A red line indicate the quickest route to the bar.
First attempt. Reliably obscure for most of my openings. I made the mistake of visualizing the start and what someone would pick up if this was a movie, doesn't translate into the written word.
Ribbons of letters flashed in front of Bona's face. He tried shifting his thinking to arcane languages, but whatever software the station used, was up to the task. The flashing script changed as his thought patterns changed.
Swatting his hand in front of his face did little good. Bona sighed as he gave his collar the command to scramble the advertisements. That did the trick, but now the station management knew a Space Ranger was aboard. They'd know soon enough anyway, but Bona felt that obscurity was always a benefit.
He called up The Space Rattle on the station db. Two levels up and halfway around the station on the second
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 03, 2010).]
posted
I'm a little confused as to exactly what's happening. I get the gist, but not a clear picture. Was there a big reason for him to scramble the ads? If he preferred anonymity, then why do it?
Also, other than a Space Ranger arriving at the station, I have no sense of what this story is going to be about. There's no hint as to the conflict. Is showing his arrive really that important, or is it just scene setting? I'm not getting a strong sense of the character either. Maybe start a little further in and let us get to know the scenery on the run.
posted
It's a nifty scene, though I echo the puzzlement - if he doesn't want to "give himself away", then why both with the scrambler? - but it doesn't really feel like the start of the story. Either he already know why he's here, but we don't; this is no "moment of change".
posted
I had some trouble with this. Not that it's badly written. It isn't. I just couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. I think it could work fine if this scene occured later, when I'm more familiar with your world and how it works. Of course I could just be dense. It might make perfect sense to everyone else.
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
On the first read through I couldn’t make any sense of the story or what was happening. After re-reading it a couple of times I’m starting to like the word play and the off-beat style, although I still don't know what's going on. I do have an issue with “He tried shifting his thinking to arcane languages, but whatever software the station used, was up to the task” I just find “was up to the task" strange, when used in this way.
Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
It’s good solid writing but there are no strong hooks pulling me in. The first version perplexed me, but also grabbed me, the second version could be a section from anywhere in the story.
quote: So the boy disappeared on this trans-station, Bona thought as he finalized his docking documentation. He used his collar to call up the map of the station and found it odd that a message found its way to him.
As an opening line I don’t feel any tension. The boy disappeared but why is that important to Bona?. It doesn’t have to be an infodump but at least an emotional reaction from Bona.
quote: Information about the one you seek can be found at The Space Rattle. That was all. His collar analyzed the message but it was from a public message station. Not good, he thought as he gnashed his teeth. Bona hoped the boy would be wandering in the corridors and he could just pick him up and take him back to a Space Ranger office in the Nordia systems and be done with it.
I like the idea of the public messenger station, telling me that there could be others after the boy or even Bona.
quote: He called up The Space Rattle on the station db. The collar projected a station schematic only he could see. A red line indicate the quickest route to the bar.
I feel these are redundant lines which would have been better used to describe Bona’s emotions at the unfolding events. As a 13 line opener what is missing for me is the importance of the events to the characters, I don’t feel hooked because I don’t feel how these events are important or what the characters have to gain or lose.
I think it’s good writing, but doesn’t real hook me for an opening 13 lines.
posted
Space Rangers, Space Rattle... I'm not sure you need to emphasise the whole "we're in SPACE!" thing quite so much. Indeed, with this version, you are getting dangerously close to the whole "space ranger walks into a space bar in the spaceport" kind of space western cliche.
quote:Bona hoped the boy would be wandering in the corridors and he could just pick him up and take him back to a Space Ranger office in the Nordia systems and be done with it.
Long sentence caused by three AND words. This could probably be tightened up.
I agree with the overuse of 'space' though this could depend on the POV and how you want the main character to perceive them. The space shuttle docked with the international space station. In less than a day Ken would be clinging to his lifeline in the middle of his first space walk
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited June 04, 2010).]
posted
My only suggestion is, change "docking documentation" to "docking papers" or something. Oh and maybe in the next sentence, "bring up" instead of "call up" might follow "his collar" better. Other than that it looks pretty good to me.
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posted
I see the 'space' issue. All the suggestions are meritorious and I shall make many of the suggested changes.
Posts: 1608 | Registered: Feb 2009
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posted
I really like the second version. It provides more information about what is going on and is a better hook too.
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