posted
This story is to be my entry in the Pill Hill Press Rise of the Necromancers anthology/contest. Comments on the opening are good, offers to read it all once its finished are even better.
Second version
Aethios sang high and clear as he flew, his voice rising and falling in counterpoint to the rushing of the wind. The Blue Road stretched before him like a river of swirling azure air-currents. Knowing his destination was near he ended his song and began to descend. Verdant land lay below, green and gold fields, houses, barns and other buildings shading to marshy darkness in the distance. His wizard’s sight perceived a brilliant emerald glow suffusing the area. This was doubtless the place Sothian had called him to. Aethios was delighted at the prospect of seeing his old friend, but the reason for their meeting troubled him. Disappearing bodies. He hoped it was nothing but scared farmers and large
This is a new version brought about during the revisions
Aethios sang high and clear as he flew, his voice rising and falling in counterpoint to the rushing of the wind. The Blue Road stretched before him like a river of swirling azure air-currents. Knowing his destination was near he ended his song and began to descend. Verdant land lay below, green and gold fields, houses, barns and other buildings shading to marshy darkness in the distance. His wizard’s sight perceived a brilliant emerald glow suffusing the area. This was doubtless the place Sothian had called him to, the town of Gathos, and a Node of the Green Road. Here the Road ran stronger and nearer the physical world than normal.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited July 06, 2010).]
posted
Merlion, I'd be happy to read it when you're done; send it on!
quote:Aethios sang high and clear (I think he might be singing a spell, but that is just a guess - nothing is telling me this) as he flew (I don't have a visual yet - he's flying, but I don't know if he has wings, or a machine, or is just flying through magic - I need to see it), his voice rising and falling in counterpoint to the rushing of the wind. The Blue Road (the road is capitalized, so it must be something special, other than just a blue road) stretched before him like a river of swirling azure air-currents....
This was doubtless the place Sothian had called him to. Aethios smiled at the thought of seeing his old friend again (the smile bothers me. Sothian summoned Aethios because of something dark, he should not be able to forget the seriousness of the situation. Perhaps he could just wish for a happier occasion to be reunited?). The smile faded when he remembered the dark matter Sothian had spoken of. Disappearing bodies. He hoped it was nothing but
I have no 'specific' advice, persay. The one thing that bothered me was the lack of 'darkness' in the first little bit. It all seemed really cheery, up until the end bit. A darker opening would serve to hook me, personally, a bit more; in particular, if I was looking for a dark fantasy.
That being said, take what I've said with a grain of salt. It's all just personal opinion on my part, so certainly don't change it on account of me!
posted
This opening is solid and creates a great image.
I know you don't mind a slower development, and neither do I, but there are two spots that you might be able to tighten up if you want to get to the darkness sooner.
quote:Houses, barns and other buildings lay in the no-man’s land between the two.
This sentence isn't terribly strong as it stands. You could attach a shorter comment about the buildings to the previous sentence. Or go the other way and make this more specific/descriptive.
quote:Aethios smiled at the thought of seeing his old friend again. The smile faded when he remembered the dark matter Sothian had spoken of. Disappearing bodies. He hoped it was nothing but
Consider combining the first two sentences. Something like: 'Aethios was excited to see his old friend but the dark purpose for the summons bothered him.'
These are just small things though. If you didn't do any of it, it would be fine.
I know you'll be sending it when it's done. I can't wait to read it.
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Gan: Your totally right. Its somewhat intentional though as I mean to start out light and work into the dark. Aethios, who is a very light-hearted sort of character, insuinated himself into this story, so I decided to try and play off it.
gen: Good suggestions. I'm definitely not totally happy with the landscape description in particular. At some point I'll be going back to try and find a way to convey all the information in a more compact manner.
posted
This is interesting, but not compelling. I'm glad the disappearing bodies crept into the 13 lines as it would keep me reading a little longer. Can that come sooner, perhaps by pruning earlier info or moving it higher in Aethios' mental queue? He seems more concerned with the buildings and road than he does with the reason he's coming here. I don't mind that he hopes it's not a big deal, but he probably does think it's more important than the landscape.
Aethios sang high and clear as he flew, his voice rising and falling in counterpoint to the rushing of the wind. [nothing wrong with this but it COULD tell us more about him and the world; is there a reason he sings? A particular song or spell?] The Blue Road [an actual road with berm and sign posts? It's suggestive enough that I'm okay with it, but it does add to the potentially sketchy column for me] stretched before him like a river [why like a river? Rivers don't usually stretch, they bend and roll] of swirling azure air-currents. Knowing his destination was near [how does he know? What is his destination? I don't want a lot of explanation, but a specific detail here can make the world more real, even if it's just the name of the place] he ended his song and began to descend. [does he finish? 'descended' would be just a touch sharper] Verdant land lay below, green and gold fields, houses, barns and other buildings shading to marshy darkness [not sure this is the word you want; do you mean marsh colored? or squishy darkness?] in the distance. His wizard’s sight [good] perceived a brilliant emerald glow suffusing the area. [wouldn't he notice this first?] This was doubtless the place Sothian had called him to [why not a name? That makes it specific rather than generic]. Aethios was delighted at the prospect of seeing his old friend, but the reason for their meeting troubled him. [depending on the length and pacing of the story, this may be too late to establish a motive] Disappearing bodies. [bodies is okay, but a different term could tell us more about him and the world; if he's a necromancer, he may have a particular way of thinking of bodies, depending on their state and placement] He hoped it was nothing but scared farmers and large [this is okay, but if he's not worried, why should I be? If I learn soon that this is a big deal, I'm fine with his initial nonchalance; it becomes a light moment before the dark].
Hope this is helpful. I'm mildly intrigued at this point. Could go either way.
posted
When you have it finished I will take a look. I am almost done with a crit for Satate, then one more in queue and waiting on another.
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posted
Thanks for your comments Steve. Very interesting. I'm going to respond to them, even though I know many people don't feel an author is "supposed" to do that, but I have a great love of discussion. Its usually much more profitable for everyone in my experience.
quote:He seems more concerned with the buildings and road than he does with the reason he's coming here. I don't mind that he hopes it's not a big deal, but he probably does think it's more important than the landscape.
Actually, not necessarily. Aerios is a wanderer and explorer...the landscape is pretty high on his priority list, mentally.
Don't take this as an attack, because its an observation. Its interesting to me that characterization is emphasized in creative writing right now...so of course is originality. And yet, it seems like sometimes when one has a character with "unusual" priorities, viewpoints, or approaches, its criticised. I've learned that people tend to have very strong views about how people think, act, and react. But, there are people with many different mental schemes out there in the real world.
quote:nothing wrong with this but it COULD tell us more about him and the world; is there a reason he sings? A particular song or spell
Nope. He just likes to sing, and I like to include music in my work. The Blue Road also has some association with music.
quote:not sure this is the word you want; do you mean marsh colored? or squishy darkness
The town is on the edge of a swamp, I was trying to indicate that. I'm not totally happy with it though, definitely open to suggestions on how to do it more effectively.
quote:bodies is okay, but a different term could tell us more about him and the world; if he's a necromancer, he may have a particular way of thinking of bodies, depending on their state and placement
He isn't. The person that took the bodies is.
quote:depending on the length and pacing of the story, this may be too late to establish a motivethis is okay, but if he's not worried, why should I be?
Like genevive (who knows me and my writing very well) says, I'm not a big believe in the absolute need for wiz-bang openings. My intentions in this intro are to introduce Aerios and give a little bit of characterization for him, establish location and mention the Road magic (this is a world I've written in before.) The bit at the end is, basically, thrown in for those who need "conflict" as a "hook." It seems like I didn't achieve most of these intentions for you, but the rest of the responses are indicating its probably working ok. I'm not totally happy with the begining though and may well tweak it some once I get more of the actual story done.
Thanks again for your thoughts, you bring an interesting perspective.
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