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Hey folks, this is a piece of flash fiction I did a while back. I submitted it to Flashfictiononline.com, but it was rejected. I did, however, receive a GREAT rejection, and apparently my story made it through the first rounds.
Anyways, I'm submitting it to a contest coming up, and I thought I'd get some feedback before I send it out. The piece is somewhat experimental (Not your typical format).
Some of the initial hook is in the experimental vibe of the piece, and as I can't format it correctly it may not come across well here. Either way, I still want to hear your feedback. I truly need some feedback for the entire story, but obviously we all have other things to do. Anything you can help with is more than appreciated.
Also, I haven't done critiques here in a while, and for that I apologize. I promise to get back on track, now that I'm getting back into the groove of things.
Edit: Because I can't choose to align things to left, right, or center, the story doesn't have the correct format. Assume that the dashes are blanks. The first two lines are supposed to be centered. The last four, justified to the right.
----------Second 3:----------
----------I'm with Pam. The date is nine years ago. Josh is three.----------
“Look at him,” Pam whispered.
Josh snored from inside a bundle of blankets. Our baby boy.
“Isn’t he just perfect?” She said.
His hand clutched my finger like he used to do when he was a newborn. Golden blonde hair like his mother. Eyes like his Daddy.
“Yeah he is,” I said, then grabbed her hand. “And so are you.”
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Sorry, but I can't say this grabs me at all. The two bits are too disconnected. If it's supposed to be life flashing before the eyes then the hotdog bit loses me because if someone had enough energy to have their arms flailing then they probably aren't at serious oxygen deprivation yet. They should be looking for someone to help them or something to do a self-Heimlich maneuver on, like the back of a chair.
Instead of the character just saying "I'm choking on a hotdog", consider describing the tightness in his throat or gasping for air that wouldn't come.
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Thanks, Genevive. I appreciate your comments.
You're not really supposed to make sense of things immediately; it's supposed to feel a little bit chaotic. I'll have to tune it a bit to make more sense.
The character is just coming-to after a fall; I'll have to make that more apparent as well.
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I don’t see any cause of effect, and as results can’t feel any relationship between the two sections. I’m don’t like the sentence “My arms flail. What’s happening?” . If you are choking and cannot breath you know what is happening. From a physical perspective I don’t think this works, sheer panic and fear would be the overpowering emotions when you choke.
[This message has been edited by Sixbells (edited May 30, 2010).]
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I'm sort of interested, but also confused. Flash can be like that, snapping into focus in the final line, so I don't know whether it works or not. My reaction to this section is that it feels a little superficial. The image of the progatonist's arms flailing connects the pieces for me momentarily, but probably not in the way you intended. I'm seeing his consciousness transferred into the toddler in that moment. That's interesting to me, but then it backs out and I'm just on a floor, choking on a hot dog. That's less interesting (at that moment).
I like the mustard on the floor - nice detail that I hope helps to link the pieces eventually.
Have you tried Flash Me Magazine? Everyday Fiction?
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When I read the initial scene/memory I was actually wondering why the 3 year old was bundled up like/acting like an infant. It made me think the premise had something to do with reverse aging, or suspension of aging. Clearly no-one else shared this confusion, but maybe the boy could be curled up with his favorite blanket or something letting you know he is a normal 3 year old. Probably no big deal anyway. I like how the signifigance of the memory shifts to how he feels about Pam, very tender.
The previous posters delt with issues around flailing arms. Perhaps the arms could be, hhmm, twitching? Feel heavy and not respond though he tries to move? I don't have a clue how the limbs respond during asphyxiation, but maybe they could still be part of the description of his disorientation upon coming to. I agree that the phrase "choking on a hot dog" need not appear because the reader already has it from the title and they could make the connection from description.
I would have kept reading, but partly because I was wondering if there was something wrong with the kid,
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Okay, so, I didn't find much wrong with the beginning part. It's cute. However, I was stumped when I reached the part where it says Kitchen in bold print. I really have no idea what is happening. It just jumped out of nowhere and I was thinking: how did i go from what I just saw with the baby, to the choking on a hotdog?
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Hey Gan - suggestion: Just get people to review/crit the whole thing. This isn't the kind of story where a first-13 crit will work. It's not very long (flash is under 1k words, which is typically easy to read in under 5 mins.) If you get regular crits on the whole thing, you can send it to people in your desired format, too.
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As a first thirteen, this doesn't work. The reader is working too hard to make sense of the thing. I'm afraid I would pass moving to the next page... except this is a flash and you have a bit of a chance on that.
Even if there is confusion you need to have some kind of a hook other than the prospects of choking and retching.
It might be a tough task to do that and maintain the graphical style of your story in print. But it might be an exercise worth doing, especially since you got a decent response.
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Whew, thank you all! I didn't realize anyone had posted more comments. Seems I pay lots of attention!
Sixbells, thanks for the comments. The connectedness of the sections doesn't really come until the next past-tense section; because it's flash fiction, and the present tense section is very brief, I feel it works. That does not, however, mean I am not looking at what you said and taking it into consideration! As for the physical part of things, I agree. I rewrote it a little bit to make things more clear, and hopefully feel a bit more realistic.
Steve, thanks for the comments. This piece is definitely very experimental, and only workable as flash (if even, at all). It's so interesting how stories can come across in so many different ways, to different people! I had never even thought my story could be seen the way you saw it (The protag transfering his consciousness into the baby). I think this issue might've been cleared up when I cleaned the wording up, but I'll have to check. As for those two markets you mentioned, I haven't tried them, and definitely will should it come back from this contest rejected. Thanks!
Ether, thank you for the comment. I could definitely see how it would come across like that. My newest version has a slight alteration on this, and hopefully takes care of the issue. As to the arm flailing issue -- I've altered a lot of the wording in the present tense portion of things -- To more correctly reflect the intensity of the scenario.
XD. Thanks for your response! This has definitely been an issue with this story. The way I have it set is somewhat of a style: That is, once you've seen how it works, it makes perfect sense, but until you've seen the first bit it really doesn't. Perhaps I need to find a better way to ease people in, but such a task is difficult, particularly when so much depends on the 'style'. That, however, is no excuse not to mess around with it and try!
KayTi, I think I agree with what you're saying here. While I am definitely taking everyone's comments into consideration, and have made several changes because of those comments, I think that perhaps this story needs to be seen as a whole to be correctly viewed.
Owasam. Thank you for your response. I agree that I haven't captured the beginning well enough. The story works well, in my opinion, because it 'flows'. The problem is that you don't get any of the flow at the start. Furthermore, flow isn't enough to keep a reader reading. (And perhaps I'm just silly, and it doesn't even have flow).
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