posted
Here is the new thirteen lines for Sinful Blood. I decided to change the whole thing to third person POV, too.
Anyway, let me know how it is now.
Thanks.
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Brittany was sure, as she leaned against a tub filled with water, that he'd killed her boyfriend Ronny. His screaming in the room sounded like he was burning to death, and she was too scared to move or attempt escape. She remembered the bull****, too, Ronny had fed her thirty minutes ago: “I’ll talk to him, sweetheart, don’t worry. He won’t hurt you.” Yea, a lot of good that did. Look at you now, Ronny, she thought, peeking at the door. You're trapped in there with my psychotic ex-boyfriend! “Don’t leave this bathroom no matter what happens, okay?” She’d nodded, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. Now, thirty minutes later, Jacob was probably in there killing him like he’d promised.
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited June 07, 2010).]
posted
This begins with the waking cliche--you may feel you can ignore that, but I don't think the writing is strong enough.
There are elements of withholding and a series of typos (tube? tub) within the text.
It doesn't feel as though you have given much thought to the impact your word choices will have. 'Stunned eyes' suggests the guy is alive, when in fact he appears to be dead.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 16, 2010).]
posted
Thank you for the advice. This is the first flash fiction I have ever attempted (well, second, but the other didn't really count). So this was just practice. I'll keep that cliche in mind, though.
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posted
One of the first things I ran into here as a brand new writer was the "waking cliche" thing that I tried to do unsuccessfully. Not taking anything away from what skadder is saying; it really does elicit a groan from many, myself included.
Having said that, what recent somewhat popular movie intertwines the "waking cliche" arguably successfully?
Yep, you guessed it. Avatar. and they repeated the "but eventually you have to wake up theme" a few time in the movie.
oh, what fun, eh?
By the way very visual writing to me.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited May 17, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by honu (edited May 17, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by honu (edited May 17, 2010).]
posted
Haha. Thanks. Oh, and I decided to take this story a few steps back, so it doesn't open with someone waking up. lol. At least now I know never to do that again. =]
posted
Well, it's not so much that you never start a story with someone waking up, it's just that you have to have a VERY GOOD reason for starting a story that way--a reason that the reader would agree is a very good reason.
To paraphrase OSC, everything in a story should be able to fight for the right to be in the story, and if you can do it better some other way, get rid of the way that isn't as good.
If you can start a story better without having someone wake up, then do it. If the absolutely only possible way to start the story is with someone waking up, then that's what you have to do. But you have to be sure it really is the absolutely only possible way to start.
posted
Thank you, Kathleen, and I actually do have another way to start this story. However, I'm still keeping this scene. It'll just be the following scene. Not the beginning itself. So there is another way to start this story.
As a scenario, it has the right elements to hook us, but I think you need to look at how you give the information.
The problem with the line “He killed my boyfriend Ronny…” is that we learn he is alive at the end. There’s too much certainty in the opening line and that creates confusion at the end. Because this story is being told in first person, past tense, the implication is that the narrator has survived and it telling us this story in retrospect. She’s telling us the story and she knows he survived (at the point she’s picked up the story). As such, it needs to be clear that that at the time the narrator thought her boyfriend was dead.
Because the entire story is written in past tense, I think you need to spell out “he was” rather than abbreviating it. I commonly read “he’s” as “he is” even though it could be either. Other people mightn’t have a problem with it.
quote: I couldn’t escape, though, ]because I was sitting on the floor in the bathroom leaning against a tub filled with water.
Using “because” implies that the second half of the sentence will explain the first. Sitting on the floor doesn’t explain why she can’t escape. The two clauses are unconnected.
quote:The screaming coming from the room sounded like someone was burning to death, the noises sounded demonic, and the following silence was deathly quiet.
A suggest trim could be: “The screaming from outside sounded like someone was burning to death. Deathly quiet followed.”
For me, someone screaming like they were burning to death implies a horrible sound. While deathly quiet is a type of silence, I think they’re close enough in meaning to directly say that the deathly quiet followed or something like that.
quote: I got to my feet and silently walked to the door in front of me.
You can trim this by implying actions and relying on the reader’s assumptions. For example “I rose and crept to the door.”
“I rose” implies getting to her feet, “crept” uses a stronger verb to eliminate the adverb “silently” and the reader will assume the door is in front of her if she walks to it.
quote:Slowly opening the door, I heard Ronny’s voice:<i>What are you doing, Brittany?</i>
Since we’re in first person, it’s implied that it’s the protagonist “writing” the story. By using a filtering phrase such as “heard”, you’re making us aware that there’s a narrator separate to the protagonist. I’d remove it entirely by saying something like “I slowly opened the door. “What are you doing, Brittany?” Ronnie said.”
Cheers
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 24, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 25, 2010).]
So what you are basically saying is I tell this story in present tense, rather than past tense? So, if the narrarator does die, which she does (she doesn't tell the whole story, just this beginning part) would it be easier to tell this in either present tense pov...or a third person pov? It would make more sense, wouldn't it?
I'm thinking I should write this in third person now.
Anyway, thanks. You gave me a few things to think about.
-The screaming coming from the room sounded like someone was burning to death, the noises sounded demonic, and the following silence was deathly quiet.
The second part (the noises sounded demonic) is redundant. Handling metaphor is a skill and I think that if you can avoid the word 'like' you are better off. Also words like 'someone' add little to imagery or effect as they aren't specific.
-Screaming or screams? I think screams, it is briefer.
I'm not sure the metaphor works here, anyway. It sounds like murder is happening behind the door--not burning. A person (in this case the reader) should be drawn to imagine (as the protag would) more relaistically what is going on behind the door. If I heard screams I would imagine someone being gutted with scissors from the bathroom cabinet--something relevant anyway. By suggesting burning, you are pushing the reader somewhere else, which seems a waste.
If, of course, it is demonic burning, then a hint of smoke or bright light through the key hole or through the gap under the door.
quote: So what you are basically saying is I tell this story in present tense, rather than past tense? So, if the narrarator does die, which she does (she doesn't tell the whole story, just this beginning part) would it be easier to tell this in either present tense pov...or a third person pov? It would make more sense, wouldn't it?
Using 3rd person or present tense does soften the contradiction of the POV character dying. In a longer piece, I don’t think it matters so much (it bugs me, but I think if you’ve done everything else well enough, readers will forgive it), but when the POV character is only part of a short story, then it’s really noticeable. It’s even more noticeable that she tells us with certainty that her boyfriend is dead and then he isn’t, so you’ll need to fix that if you use 3rd person past tense. Present tense could give you that sense of immediacy you want, but it is harder to get right. I’ll also echo Skadder’s comments about metaphor/simile. I think they’re high risk/high return and 90% of the time you’re better off being conservative in your use of them. Hardly anyone complains about “too few metaphors” in a story…they’re the icing on the cake, rather than the cake itself (to use a mediocre metaphor). In my opinion, metaphors/similes have to meet a few conditions before you include them (my own rules of thumb that I’ve developed, I have no idea whether it’s clichéd writing advice): (1) They’re unexpected, i.e. they force you to make a comparison you don’t commonly make. This is what makes me really enjoy a metaphor/simile when I read them…the pleasure of thinking about something in a new way. (2) The comparison is apt. It’s no use describing a blood stain as being like the nose hairs of a old man or something similar obscure. The object and the metaphor are logically linked, even though the linkage isn’t common. (3) They’re specific. They make you focus on a oneparticular detail of the image you’re trying to evoke. (4) They’re concise. I’m not a fan of extending a metaphor (using linked metaphors throughout a text to develop a theme is a different idea). The danger is mixing your metaphors. (5) They stand on their own. If I need to add a sentence to explain or reinforce my metaphor, it’s not good enough. There’s probably better rules, but these work for me. They could be summarised as: “If in doubt, keep them out.” Nick Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
The first line hooks me, for sure. Unfortunately, it devolves into background after that, which reduces my interest level. Apparent tense shifts don't help either. He is after me... I was sitting...screaming coming from the room...silence was... Choose a tense and stick with it. That's important in establishing a sense of scene.
It's bothersome that she lies to us in the first line. I understand, intellectually that she THINKS Ronny is dead, but it comes across as she knows it.
I like the way this ends. I do want to know what Ronny is up to in there. You might want to introduce a smell in the opening situation, as that helps to make a scene more three dimensional and can help to characterize too. How a person perceives a smell can say something important about how they perceive the world around them or the situation they're in, or their emotional state, etc.
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