posted
I’ve spent eighteen years in this hole, or so it seems. A red light flashing in front of me indicates as so. When the flight began the red number was a slender one. Apparently through years of sleep the number has changed to eighteen, and yet I don’t feel a day older than the day I laid my head down onto the soft cushion of the chamber. It’s kind of funny how I ended up here, in this dark chamber floating through the heavens. I’m trying to imagine what it looks like out there right now.
Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2008
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posted
I worry that this comes across as the waking from a dream cliche / white room syndrome. Which can work for some, but risks appearing as if the author is using the opening paragraph(s) to 'discover' the character and his world. As a result, openings in this vein can all look very similar.
Why not flesh it out some more, then consider cutting to the action a little further in?
posted
I probably shouldn't have been so blatant to say 'hole' in the very first sentence. To the main character, it seems like a hole. Later I reference to him taking 'flight' and in a 'chamber floating through the heavens' maybe a ship?
posted
I am certainly amused and interested in this. The voice has a naivity that makes me question if it is a child or someone with a mental handicap, but I would definately turn the page to see more about what the story entailed.
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posted
I never got the impression he was in a hole, surrounded by dirt. I agree with BenM, though, this opening is a bit generic. I wouldn't read further because of this.
Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
A couple of things about the first 13 simply annoyed me - not necessarily wrong, but annoying. The first was the repeat of the information about 18 years. Yeah, I got it the first time...
quote:I’ve spent eighteen years in this hole, or so it seems. A red light flashing in front of me indicates as so. When the flight began the red number was a slender one. Apparently through years of sleep the number has changed to eighteen,...
The second was the use of a voice that is cognisant of me, the reader. Lines like "or so it seems", "Apparently", "It's kind of funny how I ended up here", and "I'm trying to imagine" all seem to be addressing me, or some audience, in a direct or semi-direct way. They certainly wouldn't be things that the person would be telling himself, because some lines assume a knowledge of the context as if its an in-joke, while others assume a lack of knowledge of the context and thus a requirement to be filled in. Now this can work in an oral context, but less so in a written piece.
quote: I’m trying to imagine what it looks like out there right now.
Now this is hidden knowledge, which can make me feel you are cheating me. Out where? You know the what you are referring to, but I don't. Is "it" space? Is it an airship or beefed up airplane? Is out there another part of the vehicle that could be termed "out there"? Are we floating in an air-filled void between planets, catching the trade winds? Or is "flight" a metaphoric term for hiding, and "out there" means outside the house or out of some virtual reality that you occupied yourself in?
posted
I guess I'm being more literal when I read hole and think hole. Flight can mean several different things (for example, a rabbit's flight from a pursuer often ends in a hole).
If you mean ship, why not say ship instead of a "chamber floating through the heavens"?
posted
Maybe because its just a chamber floating through the heavens and and not a ship?
Maybe because even if it is, putting it that way is more interesting than "ship?"
Edit: I see where he mentions it "maybe" a ship, but either way I maintain that the ambiguity is itself a "hook" at least for me. But I realize most folks here dont like ambiguity.
I do think something like "according to the red light flashing in front of me, I've spent eighteen years in this hole" would probably work a little better.
But the image itself and its implications and wanting to know whether its just a single chamber moving through space and wanting to know why he's there at all would keep me reading.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited January 27, 2010).]
posted
Thanks again everybody for your responses, it seems I have kind of riled, confused, and mildly interested a few of you.
I agree with the repetition of him being eighteen, it is kind of annoying. When I began this story it was just a free write (writing off of spontaneity, without a plan). I'm not very far into it at all. At the time i guess I found it enjoyable to address the audience and maybe allow them to connect to the character that way.
I know it's a little different, and not necessarily very good. I just like the feedback. thanks.
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