posted
In this one a woman is captured and will be recreated into the plastic surgeon's concept of beauty. When the story ends there is a slight twist. Let me know what you think.
Jane’s eyes felt heavy as they slowly opened, allowing in bright lights from above shining into her sensitive skull. The resounding thumping began within her brain-case as the migraine began to do its worst. She weakly attempted to move her arms and legs, only to find that something was strapped across her ankles, chest, and thighs. Jane knew something was wrong even though her skull felt like it was full of fog.
“I am so glad to see that you are awake, my princess.” A voice said from the other side of the light.
Upon hearing the voice, Jane suddenly shuddered as her body was gripped by a cold, crippling, trepidation. Images began flooding back into her consciousness from what must have been the evening before. The flashes of memory revealed all Jane had forgotten in the time she had been unconscious.
posted
First off, I would keep reading. A couple of sentences, or perhaps the paragraph as a whole confused because I wasn't sure if you were talking about migraine or sedation or something else. Explanation below.
/Jane’s eyes felt heavy as they slowly opened, allowing in bright lights from above shining into her sensitive skull./
The second half of the above sentence was awkward for me to read. I think it's just word placement.
/The resounding thumping began within her brain-case as the migraine began to do its worst./
As a sufferer of migraines myself, I don't expect other sufferers to experience it the same way as I do, but when people talk about it it's definitely not like the above sentence. I've never referred to my head as a "brain case", nor have I ever heard any others describe it that way. I think my issue with the word is that it sounds incredibly detached. The excruciating thumping is pretty accurate. Perhaps if you were more specific with the location, such as at that base of her skull or behind one eye (migraine pain is usually very specifically located in one's head, although other symptoms can be very difficult to handle as well, such as nausea, auras, blind spots, paralysis, etc.).
Edited to add: I liked the way you are writing by the way. This wasn't supposed to be pure criticism and no compliment. : ) I just wanted to talk about where I stopped and had to re-read or question, and why. Feel free to send if you want.
[This message has been edited by Sunshine (edited December 19, 2009).]
posted
I like the concept, though I would only get that from your summary. Gives me a feel of the Twilight Zone "Pig People" episode Season 2 Episode 42 EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.
A couple things that caught my attention in the writing. - As far as first 13, I am left wondering what is happening, but I wouldn't define that as a 'hook' just that I am still waiting for the hook.
- She wakes up, then is set to go into flash backs. I am not going to say that this is cliche, because without knowing the whole story I cannot say if you made it work. My caution is just from personal experience. My most recent story involved flashbacks, they were hard to avoid since the MC was suffering from PTSD, but instead of waking up and having the flash backs I simply started the story at a different time, with an actual scene of what he was flashing back to, then during his panic attacks, simply referenced it and it seemed to work much better.
-another common issue with this type of beginning is that the reader is thrown into the middle of heavy emotional impact
quote:shuddered as her body was gripped by a cold, crippling, trepidation
and since the reader does not yet have an emotional investment in the main character then that feeling is simply read, and not felt, by the reader.
quote:allowing in bright lights from above shining into her sensitive skull. The resounding thumping
That is a lot of '-ing' words in a short spaces and my natural reading tempo almost became haiku like. And a few more -ing's after those.
quote: migraine began to do its worst
quote: Images began flooding
First 13 concept means you have little room to say a lot. The two began's in the first 13 pulled me out of the story a bit.
I feel if this was reworked a bit then I would have definite buy-in and would read on.
posted
I probably wouldn't keep reading, on the merit of the first 13 alone. Your writing style is fine, there were no glaring errors to turn me off. But two things stood out. Firstly, all we understand is that she is afraid of the person she hears when she wakes. We have no understanding of why. Furthermore, waking in confusion is very much a cliche, therefore no hook there, and can be on editors' lists of stories to reject.
Secondly, if you need to do a sentence of explanation prior to the story, then it says that you already know that there is insufficient information in the first 13. Its a bit like having to explain the punchline of a joke to someone - it reduces the impact.
posted
As I read, I was bewildered, struggling with what genre I was reading. I didn't know what Jane was. The sensitive skull and braincase took me right out of the story. If Jane is a human being, then I feel you're playing with me.
However that's an easy fix. I would read on. This is a bit of a "waking up" kind of opening that is sometimes frowned on, but I liked the way you've written it (except for the above).
posted
There are a few things that are jarring with each other and taking me out of the piece.
When my eyes feel heavy the only way I can open them is slowly.
If a bright light is above me I already think of it as shining. Perhaps the bright lights are "stabbing into her skull."
The sensitive skull part rings very odd. Her head is really the problem. The bright lights are giving her a head ache, not a skull ache. (The later reference to her skull being full of fog has the same problem.)
Why must the images have been from the evening before? Is she aware of the passage of time? Seems like she is too out of it to know when and where she is at this point.
posted
As a side note, you shouldn't provide a description of what your story is about. You are influencing the reader before they even start. Let your first 13 do the work they're supposed to do and be judged on their own merits.
quote:Jane’s eyes (eyelids?) felt heavy as they slowly opened, allowing in bright lights from above shining into her sensitive skull (sensitive skull? her opening eyes are letting light into her skull? maybe brain?). The resounding thumping began within her brain-case (skull would work here - are you just trying not to use it again?)as the migraine began to do its worst. She weakly attempted to move her arms and legs, only to find that something was strapped across (instead of something, why not just say straps were pressing against)her ankles, chest, and thighs. Jane knew something was wrong even though her skull (brain? mind?)felt like it was full of fog. “I am so glad to see that you are awake, my princess.” A voice said from the other side of the light (I'm thinking she's laying on her back, when she opened her eyes the light was directly in them - above her on the ceiling? now there is a voice above that?). Upon hearing the voice, Jane suddenly shuddered as her body was gripped by a cold, crippling, trepidation. Images began flooding back into her consciousness from what must have been the evening before. The flashes of memory revealed all Jane had forgotten in the time she had been unconscious.
Words I think you could cut: slowly, resounding, weakly, suddenly, crippling - they don't really add anything for me.
An interesting idea, with a decent hook, but I probably wouldn't read further until the prose is cleaned up.
posted
I'm sorry, but it didn't work for me - another "waking up" opening that doesn't really offer any kind of a real hook other than "something bad appears to be happening to someone but I don't know who or why and I have no particular reason to care".
quote:As a side note, you shouldn't provide a description of what your story is about. You are influencing the reader before they even start. Let your first 13 do the work they're supposed to do and be judged on their own merits.
Actually, Hatrack's guidlines recomend mentioning what the author is trying to accomplish with the story, since the theortical point of feedback is to help the author achieve that. I realize some writers want "fresh" perspectives with no information to go on, but there are just as many that would rather give critiquers a context to base their feedback on. Its just different approaches, neither is something that "shouldn't" be done.
However, I agree with your assesment of words that could probably be removed to good effect. The writing isn't bad at all, but the word choice and order could be strengthened a bit in several places. I would read on, because I generally care more about the concept than the prose however. In fact, send it along to me if you want, though I probably wont be able to read it till after the holiday.
quote: “I am so glad to see that you are awake, my princess.” A voice said from the other side of the light.
I personally like this as the opening sentence. If it is a 'familiar' voice all the better.
The flashes of memory revealing what she'd forgotten... could be confusing... was confusing until I studied it a little.
As a short story first 13, it seems to be thin on actual information. (Based on the pre-look you gave us.) Having said that... I would already like to know what happens next, so I guess it works for me.
posted
I guess there's a fine line sometimes between telling readers what kind of story you want feedback on and telling them things that affect their reading of the first 13 lines.
If they need to know something about the kind of story (it's fantasy, it's r-rated, it's finished, it's so many words long), please go ahead and say so before the 13-line excerpt.
If you are trying to tell them things about the plot or characterization or setting that aren't clear from the first 13 lines, that might cause a problem with affecting their reading.
Sorry if I wasn't very clear about what people should include when they preface a 13-line excerpt.
posted
The simple fact that you cued this one up by giving us the backstory indicates to me that that is where you should have started the story. Otherwise this becomes a waking up from a operation cliche, to me anyway.
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