quote:

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I think I was Darren, or was it, Derek? Anyway, I was once human. I flew a scout ship. I landed on a world searching for something. I can't remember what. I went through some sort of door and now I'm a leopard-beast. I'd lost track of the number of moons that I'd been here. Surely it was over a year by now. My thought processes were less human and more beast since I'd gone through a door...gate? Yes that's it. It was some sort of gate. There's one on this world too. I laid in my sleeping crook of the largest tree in sight and scanned the surrounding area, my territory for intruders. I snarled as rovers exited the protective canopy of the nearby forest and moved into my territory. I'd grown lazy lately and didn't hunt every day because

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[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 13, 2009).]

Nice work. I definitely feel the hook here. A couple of things jumped out at me but they're mostly personal preference stuff. I liked the 1st line.

quote:

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I think I was Darren... or maybe it was, Derek? Anyway, I was once human. I flew a scout ship. I landed on a world searching for something. I can't remember what. I went through some sort of door and now I'm a leopard-beast.

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Again, this is all personal preference on my part. As is, the sentences seem to be the 'voice' of your story/character.

quote:

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I'd lost track of the number of moons that I'd been here. Surely it was over a year by now. My thought processes were less human and more beast since I'd gone through a door...gate? Yes that's it. It was some sort of gate. There's one on this world too.

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2) How about:
It must have been over a year now. My thought processes were less human and more beast since I'd gone through thedoor...wor was it a gate? Yes that's it. It was some sort of gate[way???].
The last sentence: "there's one on this world, too" we already know because he's gone through it.

quote:

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I laid in my sleeping crook of the largest tree in sight and scanned the surrounding area, my territory for intruders. I snarled as rovers exited the protective canopy of the nearby forest and moved into my territory. I'd grown lazy lately and didn't hunt every day because they sometimes dropped a haunch of whatever they had killed for me.

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3) I laid in my sleeping crook on the largest tree in the region, and scanned the surrounding area, my territory for intruders.

I loved the last few sentences. especially I'd grown lazy lately and didn't hunt every day.... I found these last sentences to be the most intriguing. I would definitely keep reading this story.