posted
From the lofty peaks of the white Winter Mountains, John watches a company of soldiers defy the sleeting blizzard. They stagger through the frigid wasteland, like blind men - their arms are high, trying to stave off the stinging acid of snow.
John feels anxiety inside him, it grows like an avalanche. He slips into the shadows, hiding the glint of his armor. His cape whips out from behind as the wind rages.
The soldiers struggle, making slow progress along the mountain base. John knocks an arrow and crouches, waiting.
It was mostly an experiment to see if I could make anything presentable in 3rd present tense, and I guess JeanneT was right .. if there's no compelling need to break tradition, then it's probably best not to break it.
posted
Yes, I agree--present tense really threw me off here. The set up seems intriguing, with a few fixes to the scenario pointed out earlier.
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posted
I wouldn't say that 3rd present is ALWAYS a bad idea, but it's so hard to sustain it. Your prose got a little repetitive for me (The soldiers struggle; John knocks an arrow; John feels anxiety, etc). I guess the trick is to try to find different ways of describing the situation without resorting to 'he does / feels / says' every time. Unfortunately, 3rd present doesn't give you a whole lot of wiggle-room.
Otherwise, 'John feels anxiety inside him, it grows like an avalanche' - comma splice.
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