This one is only a sketch of an idea and nothing is written yet. Basically I wanted to see if the hook passed the creditability test; would you throw this across the room in disgust after reading the last line (hope to God I haven't stuffed up the 1st 13)?
Regards,
Nick
*
Boecan paused, checked that he was armed, and walked into the orc bar. Inside, it was the usual scene. Gaggles of foul-smelling orcs clutched bottles of alcohol and drank hard. Between the tables, sweet-faced, rough-mouthed waitresses walked with their gazes always an inch away from true eye contact. Normally the orcs would be riotous with drink by this time of day, but the place was as quiet as a church that had lost its God. He hailed the Haruak the bartender. “One mead. By the tower of Ovruch, you bastards are a depressing lot. What’s happened here?” Haruak looked at him. “Haven’t you heard?” Boecan shook his head. “Someone shot President Kennedy, down Texas way.”
posted
Well the last sentence surly turns the world upside down. Orcs eh? I guess so.
I think that it is a nice picture painted, the opening dialogue "By the tower of Ovruch" doesn't really play well though. I suppose it is difficult to write genuine nomenclature into a short story.
I don't know if I like it, but the thought of Orcs in the 60s is worth a further peek. The first few sentences had a few too many commas.
Also, a church never loses it's god, they just pretend he's coming back some day.
posted
I liked this. It's seems to be pretty standard fayre, but as hinton has said, the last sentence really does turn everything upside down and make you view what's come before differently.
I would definitely read on.
A few nits:
- I'm not a huge fan of the first sentence. It seems a bit clumsier than it needs to be. - I'd capitalise 'tower' - [q] He hailed the Haruak the bartender [/q] delete the first 'the'.
Hope this is helpful.
[This message has been edited by Badger (edited July 11, 2008).]
posted
A bit twilight-zone-ish, which may be okay.
If someone pauses in the opening line, I tend to drift off, that's just me though.
I assume Boecan is also an orc, in which case, he wouldn't think the other orcs were "foul-smelling." (POVC issue)
A bit contradictory to say that we have a “usual scene” and yet they are not yet “riotous with drink,” which you say is unusual. It's either one or the other.
posted
A lot of mixed stuff in here--God, Orcs, Kennedy. The last line is certainly bold. Not sure it works so much for me, but I can appreciate that it would work for the right reader. (It's not really my type.)
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I like the combination of fantasy and historical facts. The last line hooked me big time, which I'm sure it was intended to do, but I just love things that are way out in left field.
I know this post doesn't say much about how this piece is written, but I think the story line has great potential. It just remains to be seen what Nick T does with it from where he left off.
Sorry, I've been killing myself at work lately, so I haven't had time to log on and thank everyone for their efforts. Thank you.
The idea I'm playing with came from a throwaway line I said to my brother years ago; that I'd love to write a cross between LOTR and American Tabloid (by James Ellroy, the writer of LA Confidential). The more I've thought about it, the more the idea appeals...whether in short story or novel format, I think it's an area I could have a lot of fun with.
posted
I really like it and I'd like to read more. I love the concept.
That said you could have grabbed my interest earlier. Tell me what this story is about up front. Make it obvious from the get go that this story takes place in the "real world" and not in a fantasy one. Maybe make the fantasy part the surprise. You might want to consider switching the POV to first person.
Consider:
"They say everyone my age remembers where they were and what they were doing when they heard about the Kennedy assassination. I was drinking a Bud in an orc bar on Broadway when Ugluk walked up and said "the president's been shot in Dallas."
Printer-friendly view of this topic
