posted
I never have much luck finding readers for horror, but this one has SF elements. So comments on the intro will be appreciated.
For those potentially interested in looking at the whole, I will warn that it has some pretty dark elements.
“We don’t want to lift the chair! We want to PLAY!” The synchronized screams of the twins had been going on all night. As the grandfather clock rang three, I realized the futility of attempting sleep. Father was undaunted when there was a revelation in his research. The twins had no doubt shown him something new regarding their abilities. I rolled out of bed, grabbed the battery from the charger and slid it into the slot in Charlie’s back. His eyes opened, blinked once and it stood up, cocking its head down to look at me kneeling. “Happy Birthday, Frank.” The vocalizer must have startled a roach; it crawled out from Charlie’s mouth and scurried down its chest.
************ Revision ************
It was not the third unsettling chime of the grandfather clock which made me realize the futility of attempting sleep. It was the endless screams of the twins. “We don’t want to lift the chair. We want to play.” They had been screaming all night in unison. Synchronized so well, in fact, that their voices couldn’t be distinguished from each other. They must have shown father something new regarding their abilities. He was relentless with his research when progress was being made. I rolled out of bed, grabbed the battery from its charger and slid it into the slot in Charly’s back. His eyes blinked, then opened. “Happy Birthday, Frank.” His vocalizer must have startled a roach; it crawled out from Charlie’s mouth and scurried down his chest.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited July 02, 2008).]
quote:“We don’t want to lift the chair! We want to PLAY!” would 'wanna' be better than 'want to'. For some reason I thought of the twins as being toddler age The synchronized screams of the twins had been going on all night. As the grandfather clock rang three, I realized the futility of attempting sleep. Father was undaunted is this the right word? when there was a revelation in his research. The twins had no doubt shown him something new regarding their abilities. I rolled out of bed, grabbed the battery from the charger and slid it into the slot in Charlie’s back. His eyes opened, blinked once and it stood up, cocking its head down to look at me kneeling. “Happy Birthday, Frank.” The vocalizer must have startled a roach; it crawled out from Charlie’s mouth and scurried down its chest. this last bit is really creepy. In a good way
Personally, I think that you'd be better off starting with the second paragraph. the first sentence doesn't seem to add anything to it, and the information could easily be assimilated further on. Also, the capitals and the exclamation mark irked me for some reason. I'll try to give an example (hope you don't mind me re-writing.)
As the grandfather clock rang three, I realized the futility of attempting sleep. The twins had no doubt shown father something new regarding their abilities, and he paid no heed to time or others when a new development occurred. I rolled out of bed, grabbed the battery from the charger and slid it into the slot in Charlie’s back. His eyes opened, blinked once and it stood up, cocking its head down to look at me kneeling. “Happy Birthday, Frank.” The vocalizer must have startled a roach; it crawled out from Charlie’s mouth and scurried down its chest.
Its not great, I know...
Anyway, I would read on, but I thought the first two sentences were the weakest ones, which isn't really ideal.
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