Another story I've had a little bit of trouble with, especially getting the opening "hook" right. The "_" are meant to indicate italics (underline in submission). Any comments on the opening as well as volunteers to read the whole thing would be appreciated.
Regards and many thanks,
Nick
Dillinger had almost built the second draft of the woman when the stranger knocked on the wall of his house. At first, he did not understand the sound. _It is someone using their hand to make a sound on our wall,_ his Soul said. “Why would they do that?” he said. _For some reason, they don’t wish to contact us directly. It may be because there is a virus infecting Souls in the local area._ “Virus?” _We did not mention it. It would have disturbed our equilibrium. We were lucky that the virus signal was weak and too far away._
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 30, 2008).]
posted
You have some intriguing points here. "Building a woman" immediately got me asking questions (the good kind). Why Dillinger doesn't understand what a knock on his house is, got me asking more questions (the not so good kind). I mean, he understands "virus" and "house" and "woman" but not the simple action of knocking to get his attention? This is like asking a reader's reason to take a short hike. However, I'm sure you've got reasons for opening with this kind of ignorance on your character's part. Mostly, I'm intrigued by the relationship between Dillinger and his Soul.
posted
I am surprised that I am actually kinda of hooked by this. That first sentence really puts me off.
quote:Dillinger had almost built the second draft of the woman when the stranger knocked on the wall of his house
I really don't know what the second draft of a woman is. Is he making an android or writing a story? I think this needs to be clear. It takes away from the rest of what you wrote.
posted
I really like this. I disagree with Snapper in that the first sentence really grabbed my attention. However, I agree that there needs to be an explanation about why he can't recognise the sound. Something like, "he was so engrossed that at first he didn't recognise the sound..". Not great, but that knid of thing.
I'm a bit snowed under at work (though I should be working as I type this... :0) so can't offer to read I'm afraid.
posted
Hi I remember this story on critters.org.If this is a different version, I would be interested in having a second look. Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2008
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I've sent it through critters twice and it's still not quite working...the second version was very different to the first one, it depends which one you've read. I'm hoping to mostly fine-tune the second version, though it depends on how fresh readers react. Nice to see a fellow critter :-) Let me know if you want to see the latest version.
posted
There are two good hooks in this opening - what does it mean he is "drafting" a woman? and why does he and his soul so misinterpret the meaning of a knock?
The problem is, they are competing with each other. In the opening line, the knock on the door was secondary (in the mind of the reader) to what he was already doing. But the conversation that follows expands on the secondary issue. In the minds of many readers, this is uninteresting because their curiosity has already been peaked by the "woman draft".
To fix this, either give a bit more information about what he is doing before the knock on the door, or, introduce the woman drafting element some time after the conversation. Which you do should depends on the nature of the story. If it is primarily about making drafts of women, then hone in on that at the start. However, if the story is primarily about the strangeness of the protagonist, even if drafting women remains a central part of the story, leave this until later in the story. That way, his drafting of a woman is just another element of Dillinger's unique character, rather than an overpowering story direction.
posted
Hi I can't remember exactly when I read the story, but I think the version I saw was shorter? .Anyway I'll happy to read/reread your latest version.
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