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This is the first draft of a piece that has had the benefit of a productive plotting workshop. I would be thankful for a few commited readers, but will be glad for any comments.
“Turn the light off, primate!” Serina sneered. “Your un-evolved mind may not require sleep, but ours do.” Belinda held her tongue and reached to twist the lamp off. She should be mindful of the extra sleep requirements of the half-enlightened, but Serina’s arrogance made her skin feverishly hot. She closed her book and carefully placed it beneath her bed in the darkness. Why do they despise me so? It seemed to her that possessing at least half the genes of Homo excellens would make the half-enlightened girls gentle as their advanced creators. She was the first human accepted into the preparatory school for Vorian Ambassadorship—the only human among the half-enlightened. So far as she could tell, the half-enlightened were only born to fulfill roles as ambassadors.
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They tell me I should be committed, but be that as it may, I'd be happy to take a look at the whole thing.
Posts: 171 | Registered: Mar 2008
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The premise intrigues me. The stiffness of the writing here kind of sabotages that, because especially for a "school story" (no matter how far removed your themes may be) I expect an engaging, chatty voice, or at least a relaxed style.
Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2007
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I read the whole draft you sent me. Quite interesting. I sent my full comment to you via e-mail.
Posts: 1271 | Registered: May 2007
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