posted
He loved Listerine. Not the orange flavor though, the Cool Mint. His car always had a bottle sitting in the cup-holder, the largest bottle he could find. He had the dissolvable strips too, but only used those when he was with company -- people didn't seem to think it was healthy to go through a bottle of Listerine Mouth Wash every day. Sometimes two bottles. He carried bags of those toothpick/flosses everywhere he went too. If you saw him on the streets, or in a store, he'd always have one sticking out of his mouth. He never stopped flossing. He didn't stop there either. He brushed his teeth more often than he ate. He only used Crest Clean Mint, Extra Whitening! -- he had a thing with mint.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
Well, I will start by saying that the largest bottle of listerine he could find would not fit in any car drink holder I have seen.
There is no speculative element or hook. Only a potentially neurotic character with really clean teeth. Even that has been overstated.
There is no indication of plot. Is he on his way to a toothpaste commercial? Or is he a serial killer that keeps his mouth very clean because he eats the victims flesh?
Give us more to go on.
Also there are sixteen he/his. We have only met one character. We will assume it is about him.But we don't yet know his name.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 25, 2008).]
posted
Stylistically, I like this opening, but I think you could sneak in a clue as to where the narrative's going. I'd certainly read on though.
But Bent Tree is right: the biggest bottle of Listerine is quite big. He could fit it in one of the sides of the cars, as they usually have space for rubbish and tapes in the doors. I'm not sure what they call those, though.
posted
I'll have to echo a bit of what was said. Reads very smoothly, don't change that much. I am in disagreement with some of them because truly, I'm hooked.
I like odd, quirky stories, and this one seems pretty weird. It would help you to have the twist. If there isn't much of one beyond the mint, at least hint at why he loves it or why it matters.
Gotta say, I love the character you made though :P
posted
Is this second person narration? I can't sleep because I want to find out if he ends up murdering someone. If it is short and you aren't in a hurry, I'll read. May be the weekend before I can return it though.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Hey! Mr. Listerine Man, pour a dram for me, My breath is stinky and there is no gum to chew...
Ahem. Prose is nice, but I think just a couple lines about this guy's OCD-ing on dental hygiene would be enough for me to get the picture. Give us a hint of the story to come.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited March 26, 2008).]
posted
What annepin said. I started thinking this was awesome, then you went on and on and on. I like the quirkiness, but don't overdo it. Get on with the story.
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posted
For me, personally, this was not too much. I like the style of comedy that uses repetition to the point of going on just a liiiiitle bit too long. "Family Guy" does this all the time. Douglas Adams, to a certain extent, as well. It's tricky, though, because you have to know the exact moment to stop.
Anyway, the only bit that tripped me up was in the second sentence: Not the orange flavor though, the Cool Mint. I assume you're referring to the original Listerine, which has an orangey-amber colour and tastes medicinal, not like orange. I think this would be stronger if you said original flavour, rather than orange flavour. Everyone knows what original Listerine tastes like. A minor point, perhaps, but it's something that took me out of the story.
posted
This is a joke, right? we're being had. You didn't really write a story about dental hygeine? If it is not a joke and it reads ANYTHING like Douglas Adams I would be happy to read it. I am a huge Adams fan.
posted
I think writing about obsession demands more poetic language. I can't recall the alcoholic writer (Hemmingway or Melville, perhaps?), but one of the best obsessive bits I've read was about the bubbles in a glass of beer resembling thousands of little eyes, winking invitingly at him. The prose was far more colorful (and I don't believe used an adverb - sorry!), but hopefully you get the idea that it was more than just "I was thinking about booze all the time and kept it in my car".
Posts: 46 | Registered: Aug 2007
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Although some old writers have used more poetic language, I don't think the same standards of writing hold true anymore. Besides, being a member of AA and loving mint beyond normal human normality are two very different things.
With the obsession you are talking you Khalan, it would most likely be a grave, dark mood. I can't see that working well with mint, although it could be funny.
posted
Thanks guys, for all the crit. I was in a mood to try writing something strange and unusual, so i started this -- as I was writing it I did notice the repetition, and being a 'veteran' hatracker i knew the first thirteen were weak . I can't bring myself to work on this particular story anymore though, lol. Guess I got it out of my system (wrote only about one thousand words...) I'll post some of my other work, see what kind of feedback I can get -- work that I'm actually motivated to edit!!! haha
Posts: 62 | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
In a novel, this is the type of information that would be best mentioned a bit further into the story, after the hook has already been presented. If this is the hook, then you have more of a problem, it seems more of a quirk then the reason for a story.
Posts: 161 | Registered: Dec 2007
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. I can't bring myself to work on this particular story anymore though, lol. Guess I got it out of my system (wrote only about one thousand words...) I'll post some of my other work, see what kind of feedback I can get -- work that I'm actually motivated to edit!!! haha
