posted
What the hell? Derrent Sturgan stopped chewing and watched the man walk past. For a moment he thought he was dreaming. The sword on the man’s hip was his father’s sword--he was certain of it. Derrent felt the urge to leap up and press his dagger to the man’s throat, force some answers from him. His heart began to beat faster—readying him to do just that, but instead he dipped another hunk of bread into the meat juices on his plate. He popped it in his mouth and chewed slowly. He had to think--make a plan. The head should rule the heart, not the other way round, his father always said. It had taken his father’s disappearance last winter to make Derrent re-think his ways. He glanced out of the corner of his eye at the man who now sat
posted
It definitely starts with some good action and catches my interest.
I would consider changing this line:
Derrent felt the urge to leap up and press his dagger to the man’s throat, force some answers from him.
It's kind of hard to force answers from someone with a knife in his throat. Maybe come up with another metaphor that doesn't make forcing answers impossible.
That immediately caught my attention as impossible and seems a little comical in the impossibility which took away from the mood you were setting.
posted
I personally read the line to mean he was going to press the knife against his neck, not press it right through.
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posted
Yup, to his neck. I wanted to give that impression of him wanting to have the guy against some wall, with the knife held to his throat. This obviously keeps the guy alive and lets him (crucially) reply.
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quote:Yup, to his neck. I wanted to give that impression of him wanting to have the guy against some wall, with the knife held to his throat. This obviously keeps the guy alive and lets him (crucially) reply.
Maybe "against his neck/throat" or something similar to keep others from misreading it like I did.
posted
It is finished...generally. In fact I have already submitted it somewhere. I am not sure I want a line crit at this stage, but thanks for the offers.
I meant actually start with the image of the man wearing the MC's father's sword. Skip the "what the hell" and the "he thought he was dreaming." The image of the man wearing his father's sword will make me feel those emotions.
And skadder - should you decide you want a line edit, or just comments on the whole, I'm still interested.
posted
this is a strong opening -- engaging and clear. My only immediate concern is if "What the hell?" is an anachronism. (I don't know, but it is the sort of thing that catches us.)
posted
Since your MC is so focused on seeing his father's sword on another man, since he's so sure that it's his father's sword, I'd like to know some details about the sword, or at least one detail that makes your character absolutely certain. Without some sort of evidence that what your character thinks is plausible, the whole thing afterwards comes off as a little reactionary.
The beginning has potential, I'd just like to see a bit more reason behind the violence
posted
That detail is mentioned a few paragraphs further in.
That sword is a pivotal part of the story and the amount of information you are given at this stage regarding it is carefully controlled.
I am not sure what you mean by 'reactionary' in this context. If you are suggesting that Derrent is coming across as a hothead--good, because he is. If you are using reactionary in the sense of its political meaning of 'ultra-conservative' and 'resistive of change', then I am uncertain of your point.
Also there has been no violence yet...just the desire to be violent. I thought the piece hinted at the reason for this. Derrent's father dissapeared--a guy is wearing what Derrent thinks is his father's sword--therefore Derrent thinks this guy might have been responsible for his father's death/dissapearance.
If you could tell me perhaps where the above plan didn't work for you so I can try remedy it.
quote:What the hell? Derrent Sturgan stopped chewing and watched the man walk past. For a moment he thought he was dreaming. The sword on the man’s hip was his father’s sword--he was certain of it. What was it that took him from dreaming to certain? A second glance? Something distinctive? If you can't give us details, please give some reason for Derrent going from 'dreaming' to 'certain.' Derrent felt the urge to leap up and press his dagger to the man’s throat, force some answers from him. about what? Where he got the blade, sure, but that's just one question His heart began to beat faster—readying him to do just that, but instead he dipped another hunk of bread into the meat juices on his plate. He popped it in his mouth and chewed slowly. He had to think--make a plan. The head should rule the heart, not the other way round, his father always said. It had taken his father’s disappearance last winter to make Derrent re-think his ways. I think this information might come in earlier. Withholding this information to right now is confusing. He glanced out of the corner of his eye at the man who now sat
I really think it's a matter of information presentation/order. And answering a few questions.
[This message has been edited by Jo1day (edited February 19, 2008).]
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