"The Indian children cried."

In general I think an opening is much stronger if you start with the struggle of a single individual, even if the person is part of a group of people suffering in the same situation. It lets us connect with that person, and through his/her struggles we learn what all are facing.

"They fought with tears running down their cheeks..." This seems to say they were actually fighting WITH the tears - don't think it was what you meant to say.

"They shouted curses and wailed pleadings..." Too general. Get us on in there, show us with some up close and personal dialogue:

Pratt raised the shears and snapped them shut with a sharp click. He looked over the group then pointed the shears at one of the boys. "Ok, you're next, chief," he said. The school officials tittered.

"A few would be dead." Too pat. Dead? How? Under what
circumstances.

Is Gertrude Indian? This would seem so from the setting and telling us of her long, flowing black hair. The name Gertrude though is Germanic, so this confused me and jarred me from the story.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 17, 2008).]

The Indian children cried.

My first thought was, "Indian, or Native American?" I struggled with imagining both the children and the setting until the word "braids." And then I still was unsure of the setting, though I pictured some south-eastern Utah dry desert reservation.

Also, I think "cried" is an example of a "pushbutton word." From http://www.sfwa.org/writing/turkeycity.html - "Words used to evoke a cheap emotional response without engaging the intellect or the critical faculties." I would rather see why the children are crying rather than just being told that they are, because then I'll feel more for them.

Edwin Marks stepped away from repairing the fence to see the new arrivals.

How did they arrive? By bus? Train? Were they walking? Did they just appear out of nowhere? Who brought them? How many children are there? And if they're there unwillingly, how did the mysterious "school officials" get them there?

The girls shook with sobs from loneliness.

How does Edwin Marks know they're crying from loneliness? Can he read minds? And if not, is he reading their body language, and he can tell they're lonely, rather than scared, homesick, nauseous, etc.? If so, you might want to consider showing us that instead of just telling, especially if this is Edwin's POV.

The boys fought with tears running down their cheeks, refusing to let the school officials cut their braids.

The boys fought with tears, or with the school officials?

They shouted curses and wailed pleadings, each in their own tongue, none understanding another.
It was nothing new. In a few weeks most of the children watching their braids burning would be submissive to Pratt and the other administrators.

In a few weeks they would watch their braids burning? Or are the braids burning now? And if so, how? Are they being thrown on a bonfire? Are the Officials lighting them on fire individually? With matches? Flint and tinder? An acetylene torch? I'm confused as to what time period this takes place in.

A few would be dead.

By their own hands? By abuse? By supernatural forces? (Sorry, but these are the questions that popped into my head as I read.)

Edwin spat, a private insult to Pratt he offered with every arrival.
Gertrude carried a bucket of water to Edwin. The school had let Gertrude keep her flowing black hair.

I'm guessing that the children have been renamed, hence the very non-indian names. But if this is true with Edwin, and the story is being told from his POV, and he is a former "new arrival," would he really think of himself as Edwin, especially if the new name was unwanted? Does he think of Gertrude as Gertrude because he doesn't know her real name?

I'm definitely curious about what is happening here, and why.

A large part of me wants to tackle the challenge of phrasing that first paragraph, but I'm not sure if that's a no-no. Your thoughts?

I think this passage is the one that needs the most work: "The boys fought with tears running down their cheeks, refusing to let the school officials cut their braids. They shouted curses and wailed pleadings, each in their own tongue, none understanding another." I agree to make it more specific.

If it's historical fiction set in pre-pc times, then they would be "Indians" to the MC.

I'm also okay with him knowing why the girls cried; by the end of this passage, it's obvious to me that MC has seen this many times. And just as obvious by his reaction how he feels about it.

I liked "A few would be dead." Short, powerful, with the promise of explanation of how and why to come. This is actually the hook for me.

And I'm okay with Gertrude, at least until you tell me that's her given Indian name, and not something the administrators gave her to de-Indian-ize her. But you'll need to explain the name at some point soon.

Big questions: How acquainted are you with Indian residential schools? Most of the ones I have knowledge of (in Canada) were run by the churches of the time. They would also mostly have had speakers of the same or related tongues. While there would be some mixing of tribes in the schools, most would understand each other.

Small nits: Sobs of loneliness instead of 'from'--refusing to let the school officials cut their braids(without a fight)--they are obviously in no position to stop them outright.--Does Edwin spit with each arrival of a group or each individual, and how is this an insult to Pratt?

Is this story finished?

I did the research. Go read about the Carlisle Indian School.

Cheyne, thanks for offering to read, I'll send it your way.