Working Title: The Mage

At eleven, Orrie was the best steam monkey in Cook County. He swung from pipe to pipe and squeezed into spaces no man could to tend the generator. In the year since he’d started, thick, rough skin covered his palms, protecting him from burns. His legs had suffered worse—dark scars crisscrossed the pale skin of his shins and thighs. Most he did not remember. One, he could not forget—on his upper thigh, when he though for a moment he was a beast of metal, not a vulnerable creature of flesh and blood.

Under the watchful eyes of Mr. Bennet, the foreman, their fathers shoveled coal into the gaping mouths of the behemoth which powered the city. But it was Orrie and the team of boys who owned

The "At eleven" in the first sentence brought me to a halt, on the first read I was wondering 11 o'clock? or age 11? It's obvious as you read on but on that first read it did make me wonder.

In the year since he’d started, thick, rough skin covered his palms, protecting him from burns probably just me but I thought this might read better by saying thick, rough skin had begun to cover his palms...

Most he did not remember He doesn't remember the scars? Or the accidents which had caused them?

The last sentence of the first paragraph seemed a little out of place, I'd have liked either a little more information as to what it is to be a steam monkey and why Orrie would believe himself a beast of metal OR after that sentence I'd have liked some more information about the accident itself and how it came about. It just reads a little strange at the moment, mentioning it like that and then immediately switching to another, seemingly unrelated subject.

As monstewer says, there's a lot of world, atmosphere and character packed into just a few lines--yet it doesn't feel too dense. As usual you have a clear narrative style and I would read on without a doubt. I like how, by describing Orrie's tough skin and scars, you tell us something not only about Orrie's character but the harsh, hot world he lives in.

Some small things:

In the third para we learn that the steam monkeys are tending one, presumably huge, generator. In the first para that was not clear to me, so I had an image in my mind (which I later had to undo) of him tending lots of different, smaller engines (and I wondered why "generator" was singular, not plural).

"when he though for a moment " -> "thought"?

I think the combination of fantasy, steam punk, and magical realism is intruiging and I'd love to read it if you'd like.

Hopefully helpfully,
Pat

My uneducated 2c

A lot of stuff is in the first 13 so the reader isn't confused. I say let them be confused and start with some action!

I didn't need to know that he was the best in Cook County or that he has had some close calls with the equipment. I'm also not too interested with the foremen or his father.

This story in particular, it sounds very unique and I would much rather experience each one of these facts rather then being told them.

The first 13 could be devoted to him in the act of doing his job without any other details and it would still trap my attention.

You could trickle in the remaining information as needed. Him being the best in Cook County is a good example of something that could be left out for a few pages or tossed in through a bit of dialog. His father working at the same place could be found out when he is done for the day. The foreman being good/bad would be discovered through actions. etc.

Some of the prose is a bit difficult to follow due to the way sentences are constructed. Someone above pointed out an example or two. If you read the exerpt aloud, you should be able to find them all.

If you still need readers, I'll volunteer, but can't promise a super fast turnaround.

Excellent work on the first thirteen. Please send it along. It will, I believe, be the first piece of your work that I will have been able to read, and I'm looking rather forward to it!

You should search for the the term on an engine; I think there are computers set up to look steampunk! Another thing to look at is cyberpunk, but I'll bet you're more familiar with that.

I have only one nitpick with the opening 13:

Most he did not remember. One, he could not forget—on his upper thigh, when he though for a moment he was a beast of metal, not a vulnerable creature of flesh and blood.

Usually, when a person is caught up in the thrill of something, they forget their vulnerability. I would tweak this to read:

He didn't remember how he got most of his scars. One scar he could not forget -- the one he received on his upper thigh when he forgot, for a moment, that he was a vulneralbe creature of flesh and blood rather than a beast of metal, part of the machine.

He swung from pipe to pipe and squeezed into spaces no man could to tend the generator. This sentence would probably do better and the end, where you begin to describe what it is that a steam-monkey does.

It's definitely an interesting situation - reminds me of a victorian factory or something. That said, there are some sentences that, imo, could use another look.

'He swung from pipe to pipe and squeezed into spaces no man could to tend the generator' - firstly, I'd stick a 'that' after 'spaces'. Next, you could put a comma after the second 'pipe', but it's not essential. Lastly, there's something about 'spaces no man could to tend the generator' that doesn't flow properly. The best fix I can think of is to switch the sentence round a little: 'He swung from pipe to pipe to tend the generator, squeezing into spaces that no man could' - I'd also consider having 'grown man' instead of just 'man' for clarification. I'm sure there are other ways of making it less clunky - that's just my example .

'... since he’d started, thick, rough skin covered his palms, protecting him from burns' - first off, you need a 'had' after 'skin' to avoid switching tenses mid-sentence. Other than that, do calluses protect from burns? Heat and abrasion, yes, but I'm not sure about actual burns. But then, I don't have calloused hands, so I could be wrong.

'His legs had suffered worse—dark scars crisscrossed the pale skin of his shins and thighs. Most he did not remember. One, he could not forget' - mostly personal preference here, but there are a couple of places I'd tweak it. Firstly, I'd stick a 'though' or a 'however' in there, and and I think the 'worse' is unnecessary. 'His legs, however, had suffered - dark scars crisscrossed the pale skin of his shins and thighs'. Next, 'Most he did not remember' is a little ambiguous - monstewer already caught that one.

'... not a vulnerable creature of flesh and blood' - I think the 'vulnerable' is already implied, and therefore unnecessary.

'... mouths of the behemoth which powered the city' - personal preference, I'd change the 'which' to a 'that', though either is fine.

Anyway, I like the premise so far, and I'd read on, but the prose is a little clunky in places. I'd be happy to look at the whole thing if you'd like .

Hope this helped,
Daniel.