posted
I've started and stopped this short story several times. I don't know, what do you guys think? Does it hook, or make sense? Rev 2
quote: Larry's voice shakes on the video playback, frequently his eyes close and his head falls to the table. His drug supply is running thin, I warned him about saving enough for the last day. His eyes are two red slits, mouth open, hair greasy, his last transmission is more like a police video-tape of a drunk driver.
"Tell me the Baker story Sid." He says as the transmission freezes.
John Baker. I used to tell my grandchildren his story over video link and I'm sure Larry, like them, has listened to it thousands of times.
Forty years and people are still finding bits of Baker's ship. Last one was two months ago; some random scientific drone discovered a mangled steel box near Saturn
Rev 1
quote: Larry's last transmission is asking about John Baker, a man I haven't thought about in years. I used to tell my grandchildren that story over video link and I'm sure Larry, like them, have heard it thousands of times. Maybe he wonders what people will say about him thirty years from now, or maybe he just wants to get a lifetime of talking out of his system.
I still read about someone recovering a hopper from Baker's ship. Last one was two months ago; a random scientific expedition encountered a mangled steel box near Saturn packed with a thousand pristine bottles of wine. I think it is going to Sotheby's for auction this month. Finding cargo from a dead ship is a bad omen; the ship and contents belongs to the captain and I don't see wisdom in taking out loans from the departed.
[This message has been edited by halogen (edited December 16, 2007).]
posted
I think the second (the one called Rev 1 !) is better than the first because it's somehow cleaner, doesn't start with an unattractive image of Larry, and defines the problem--I like the "loans from the departed" line and I'd read on from this version.
Some nits: He's seen Larry's last transmission so surely it's in the past--"Larry's last transmission asked about ..." or "In his last transmission Larry asked about ..."
I don't think scientific expeditions are random, although they might encounter things near Saturn by chance.
I think it should be "...the ship and contents belong to the captain..." (Not belongs.)
I like the idea that "Finding cargo from a dead ship is a bad omen"--superstitious space travellers :-)
Hope this helps, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited December 16, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited December 16, 2007).]
posted
Since TaleSpinner picked nits on Rev. 1, I'll pick nits on Rev. 2:
quote:Larry's voice shakes on the video playback,[comma splice] frequently his eyes close and his head falls to the table. His drug supply is running thin,[comma splice] I warned him about saving enough for the last day. His eyes are two red slits, his mouth open, his hair greasy,[comma splice] his last transmission is more like a police video-tape of a drunk driver.
"Tell me the Baker story Sid[.]," [H]he says as the transmission freezes.
John Baker. I used to tell my grandchildren his story over video link and I'm sure Larry, like them, has listened to it thousands of times.
Forty years and people are still finding bits of Baker's ship. Last one was two months ago; some random scientific drone discovered a mangled steel box near Saturn
Not really too much to nit about beside the comma splices.
I'm expecting (hoping?) that the present tense is for the frame story; that perhaps we'll keep coming back to Larry "in the present" between snippets of Baker's story. If the entire story is in present tense, I'd recommend rethinking that decision.
As for Rev. 1 vs. Rev. 2: I think I also prefer Rev. 1, but it's not a strong preference. They both have things I like.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited December 17, 2007).]
posted
I definitely like Rev 1 better. For me, its a strong preference. The image of Larry is vivid and haunting, and it brings up the question, why is this guy asking about John Baker? I'm anticipating the story will link the two at some point.
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posted
Annepin, I think you mean you like Rev. 2 better? That is, the FIRST one listed is Rev. 2, the second one is Rev. 1. Rev. 2 is the one with the description and the question.
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