Well, it came in a little larger than I expected (12,600 words), but I'm ready for readers of the initial draft. Here is the most recent first thirteen, which hasn't changed that much.
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“Who’s first? Who brought something special?” pulsed the oldest. “I found a nice one, out near Mira system. A pleasure cruiser was viewing a trinary star set and misjudged the gravity well. Six hundred voices shrieking fear. It was a tasty quaff.” The sharer pulsed a replica of the draught. After savoring, the others pulsed back responses of delight – all except Lexha. “It seems oily... hollow,” she pulsed. “Where’s the middle?” After an awkward silence, the next one shared. “I came across a fuelport meltdown. It took the whole station and twelve tugs with it. Searing pain, spread out like a nova.” This one also pulsed a sample. Rapid thoughts came back, their receptors jangling – “amazing” ”bright” ”heady.” “It's just so big, so brawny,” Lexha pulsed. “There’s no
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Let me know if you have time to take a look.
Thane
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited November 27, 2007).]
posted
BTW, I see few posts after a 'read-on.' Should we keep our opinions private or help advertise to the teetering masses? Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002
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I can handle detailed public criticism (or applause). As long as no more than 13 lines of the actual story are in the post, I doubt Kathleen minds either, so feel free, supraturtle.
Just so y'all know, I've taken several critiques to heart and am currently in the middle of a significant re-write. However, the intro doesn't change all that much, so for those it hooks, great. For those it doesn't, c'est la vie. I doubt I will hook all of the people all of the time...
Thanks,
T2
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 01, 2007).]