Michael heard a loud crack and turned to watch as the house gave in to the storms might. His eyes watered and his shoulders shook with grief. He slowed, ready to let the wind take him as well; and that was when he heard her voice, Astrid’s voice, “Michael!”. He tripped on a large branch and his head hit something hard. The sounds of the storm were silenced as he faded into darkness.

Michael suffers the loss of Astrid and is about to meet, Vollar, a dragon in the guise of a man. Vollar wants the Key with it he hopes to release an Ancient to reign terror on Earth. Only one pure of spirit, pure of heart - driven to a good cause, basically a knight. Since there were none anymore, he would create one - Michael and send him to retrieve the stones. Would Michael give the Stone to Vollar, all in hopes of retrieving Astrid or would Michael die watching as Vollar revive an Ancient to destroy all human existence?

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 30, 2007).]

For example,

quote:

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Their old house was in ruins[. ]The storm that raged outside had seen to that. ... His head stared up[,] and his eyes blinked against the torrent of rain.

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Minor nit: a head can't see. It might be more accurate and succinct to say, "He stared up, and he blinked against..."?

I'm confused by the sequence these things happened. As far as I can tell, there was a really bad storm that ruined the house. These two people went out in the storm to survey the damage for some odd reason (WHY?), they lose sight of each other, they see each other again, and then a really strong wind whips the gal off into the distance (but not so fast that she couldn't scream and beg for help for some time while it occurred). I get the feeling that's not the correct sequence, though.

For example:

quote:

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He was looking for Astrid, the wind swept her away as he watched.

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Why was he looking for Astrid? Or how could he be watching Astrid be swept away if he didn't know where she was (as is implied by "looking")? Or did you mean He was looking for Astrid because the wind HAD swept her away?

quote:

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A large mirror crashed[,] and the floor swayed.

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quote:

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Michael ran to the rickety stairs and headed out through the living room hall, dodging glass and debris.

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Maybe make the second above quote into two sentences for clarity?

quote:

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The wind raged and the house groaned[. ]Michael ran for the ditch in front of the house.

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I think we got the idea that the wind raged and the house groaned from the previous descriptions. I think you could drop that repetition without hurting the story. Especially since the house groans again:

quote:

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The house groan[ed] and collapsed.

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And, by the way, I had assumed that they were outside surveying the house damage from your first sentence and felt that was confirmed by the rain falling in the guy's face and the gal breezing away without mention of her grabbing onto anything or hitting any walls. Then we're given the description of inside things falling and the fellow escaping the house. It might help readers like me if you clarify the starting locations as well as the sequence of events. Like saying the fellow looked up were the ceiling had been and rain fell in his eyes.

quote:

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Michael turned to look at what was once a home, that was when he heard her voice, Astrid’s voice, “Michael!”

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I assumed he was looking at the home when we got the description "the house collapsed." Otherwise I would expect a "loud crash from behind him" or something and then he looks back to see it had collapsed. I'd suggest losing the "Michael...a home" and just go with "That was when..."

At this point, I'm confused at why he's hearing her voice since I thought the wind had taken her far off. As a reader, I'm not certain if she wasn't taken off by the wind after all (i.e. I read that part wrong) or if we're supposed to be surprised and our MC is surprised as well.

quote:

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Michael tripped on a large branch and fell forward into the ditch.

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I thought he had finished his turn and was looking at the house. If he's not moving, how can he trip? I thought he was just outside his house, so why is there a ditch so inconveniently placed so close by?

quote:

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His head struck a stone[,] and the sounds of the storm were silenced as he faded into darkness.

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Since we have torrents of rain and he's in a ditch, won't he, um, be _drowned_ if he was knocked unconscious?

This sounds like a very exciting beginning if you can clear up the confusions in the descriptions and the grammar problems.

Debbie gave a lot of great detailed comments, I don't think I have anything else to add other than the timing of things wasn't clear to me. The wind swept astrid away, she screamed and begged, he stood frozen. This sounds like he's retelling as if it had happened at least minutes ago, if not longer, yet then the action moves in such a way that I think the wind *just* swept astrid away.

Was the house in ruins already when the story starts? Or are you starting the story at the point when the house BECOMES a ruin? In which case, you probably need to save that first sentence for the end of the first paragraph. Or, retool the next sentences to mirror the tense. Michael was in the bedroom when it happened. Astrid, sucked away into the vortex. Her frighened screams still rang in his ears. ... you get the idea.

Maybe it is just my imagination, but I can feel the wind and rain. I can hear Astrid’s scream. (I even felt myself hit the ground when Michael tripped - maybe I am going a little too far).

The point is, despite the language problems, you are painting a pretty good picture for me. The way I understand it, the storm (tornado?) is tearing up their house around them. Michael and Astrid are home, and suddenly their house is broken open and Astrid is sucked into the sky as Michael watches.

Don't start by telling us:

quote:

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Their old house was in ruins, the storm that raged outside had seen to that.

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Perhaps:

Michael cowered in the middle of their bedroom as the storm raged around him. He watched as the wind swept Astrid up through what used to be their ceiling, his eyes blinking against the torrent of rain. She screamed and begged him for help, but he was frozen.

Have another go at your first thirteen; I'd like to see it again once you've taken care of the grammar issues.