The war was won. The soldiers were sent home.
When we got to New York, the party had been going on for a week, but the major parades had been held off for our arrival. Infantry and Air could say what they wanted, but everyone knew that it was the women of the Underwater battalions who had yanked the war out of the deadlock it had been in for forty years and a crowd came out to the bay to meet us.
I noticed that the other women looked scared. They'd when it came to ripping submarines apart with steel claws or sinking heroin-loaded zodiacs that financed the warlords, but now they were at odds in the middle of the throng. It was understandable. There was a heavy feeling in our stomachs as we laboured to move without water to buoy us up. We were landsick. Our gills dried

>When we got to New York

It's unclear to me who "we" are. It's probably not the soldiers, of narrator would've said "We were sent home."

>everyone knew that it was the women of the Underwater battalions who had yanked the war out of the deadlock it had been in for forty years and a crowd came out to the bay to meet us.

The parallelism is disconcerting. Everybody knew, and a crowd came out. I think it would be better to make them separate sentences.

>I noticed that the other women looked scared.
Narrator must be a woman, or she woulnd't say "the other women."

They're genetically engineered people, I think.

Given this text I don't need MC's name, but then I'm not sure it's the right text. It's sort of not-really-summary and also not in-the-moment: you're summarizing the event, but not very tersely.

I suggest you give a *short* summary of the situation, and then take us to a specific time and place, and show us some action, probably involving other people. If you do that, we'll need MC named earlier.

quote:

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We were landsick. Our gills dried out in the chilly air and confetti stuck in the crevices of our scales and itched.

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A question of PoV:

quote:

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...the women of the Underwater battalions

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quote:

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They'd (What?) when it came to ripping submarines apart with steel claws or sinking heroin-loaded zodiacs that financed the warlords, but now they were at odds in the middle of the throng.

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“Infantry and Air could say what they wanted, but everyone knew that it was the women of the Underwater battalions who had yanked the war out of the deadlock it had been in for forty years and a crowd came out to the bay to meet us.”

This feels like a long sentence with too much information. I read it twice to get your meaning. You’ll know how to solve that.

"I noticed that the other women looked scared. They'd when it came to ripping submarines apart…” Typo here. Something missing between They'd and when

“Our gills dried out in the chilly air and confetti stuck in the crevices of our scales and itched.”

I’d remove one of the, and’s. But maybe thats just me.

I like it and I'd read on. Partly cos its good and partly cos I trust your work.

Tracy

Oh and your questions

1 female
2 no
3 genetically engineered humans or aliens

2. I don't need a name yet because nobody's individuated yet.

3. I'm not sure. Mutants? Genetically engineered people? Modified people? Human, I think, but not normal human. I read "alien" in other responses and thought "no", then set off to find out why; I think I'm keying off of "women", which I would expect to be "females" if they were non-human.

I'm in the dubious situation of disagreeing with wbriggs a fair amount here, but hear me out.

This introduction is analogous to a cinematic zoom into the scene. (But only analogous. It's not cinematic, because a camera couldn't do what you do here. It's zooming intellectually, if you will.) "The war was won" is very broad, and you slowly bring the POV in: all soldiers, New York soldiers and civilians, units within the army, the Underwater battalions, "us", "I". For that reason, contra Briggs, I think it may be the right text.

The language seems a little stilted. Nothing some proofreading and editing couldn't fix. IB and Tracy point out something that stopped me. It looks like a typo.

I didn't have a problem with "When we got to New York". I assumed you were among the soldiers. That said, I can see how there could be some ambiguity, but it's cleared up within a sentence. Your mileage may vary, I guess.

I also didn't have a problem with the parallelism that Briggs notes. Everybody knew that _we_ were the heroes; thus a crowd came out when _we_ arrived, even though others had already come home and the party had been going on since the war ended.

Definitely seems female. I can handle waiting a little longer for a name. Having recently read a Gregory Benford book about humans and their future evolution, I see either technology-driven modifications or evolution at play. Either one is a really interesting hook, and if you were looking to punch it up dropping the gills and scales bit earlier might be worthwhile, at least to try it out and see if you like it.

quote:

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They'd when it came to ripping submarines apart with steel claws or sinking heroin-loaded zodiacs that financed the warlords, but now they were at odds in the middle of the throng.

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quote:

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They'd been fearless and savage when it came to ripping submarines apart with steel claws or sinking heroin-loaded zodiacs that financed the warlords, but now they were at odds in the middle of the throng.

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Tracy

Another thing occurs to me when reading this. A great man once said, “Out of the hearts abundance, the mouth speaks.” Your medical background bleeds through fairly plainly and that really adds to your believability. (I’m jealous)

However, another aspect of Sara bleeds through too. I spotted it immediately because I lived in the UK until I was twenty and all my family still live there. It’s that European perception of the US. I don’t know I would specify a specific country in this story. The overall flavor of US society portrayed is extremely stereotypical, and not really accurate. You can get away with a corrupt secret department within a department. Corrupt men with power as well. No problem. But your story seems to portray Americans in general as a bit stupid and uncertain as to how to love their own. One or two warped minds in the military is cool, but not an overall, “we don’t care about you anymore” attitude from an entire military branch.

I’m not American, but this might offend some American readers. The stupid arrogance with which the people of the US are portrayed by the media of Europe is far from true and the people here hardly view themselves as either. There are many men here, husbands, fathers and sons who would throw themselves under the bus for a Nato soldier without second thought and do so every day. Americans don’t intentionally treat their soldiers badly anymore, that was the 60’s. I’ve gone on about this enough that the point is exaggerated now. Anyway, just take it under advisement as one opinion.

Its weird to think of it Sara, but if any of us are really going to make it as writers we have to stop and think about who might be offended if we use existing societies in our fiction. Kinda cool to have to think that way too, huh? It means you have an international audience. You’re a talented little Spaniard and I wouldn’t want to sword fight you.

Brilliant job. Certainly publishable.