posted
Looking for readers. Here are the first 13:
As a young man, Mario Caruso had dreamed of space. He wanted to be a fighter jock like the heroes in his favorite Digicasts. He remembered sitting outside his parents’ quad staring at the night sky and imagining himself flying between the stars. Unfortunately for Mario, space had not turned out exactly as he had dreamed in those eager young days.
Mario was short and plump and wore glasses, not exactly fighter jock material. Instead of flying between the stars he worked aboard the space station Hyperion as a robomech. He told himself that it didn’t matter, but even short, plump robomechs had unrequited grandiose dreams. He wanted to make a difference, somehow.
posted
If you aren't in a rush to get it back, I'll read. I won't be able to get to it for a week or so.
Posts: 52 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Sorry. Your first 13 just doesn't hold my interest. Paragraphs about a character and his hopes and dreams, etc. are certainly necessary, but makes for dull reading in the opener. Give me something that challenges him and I will gladly read it.
Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Nit: a robomech would presumably be a robot mechanism -- that is, not a man.
You might start with the paragraph that would come right after these. That is, I'm with Skribent: I don't care that Mario dreamed of space. I want to see him struggle with something.
posted
Nit - outside his parent's quad? Is that short for something? Perhaps spell it out? Because all I could visualize is a quadrangle on a college campus, or something like a bed. Perhaps it's because it's his "parent's quad" - which makes it sound like it doesn't belong to Mario too. "the family quad" would make it seem more like the house/residence he lived in growing up.
Agree on the robomech, though I thought it could be mechanic, but perhaps there's a way to say that which would make it more quickly seem like a job, versus a type of robotic device. I think my confusion comes from the Astromech droid types (R2-D2...) perhaps just an unfortunate coincidence, but I bring it up in case it's not just me.
posted
I didn't have any trouble with the robomech word. You placed it in a context that I was able to infer a "mechanic." However, to bypass the confusion others have mentioned, perhaps a "robotec" instead?
I had more issues with the word "jock" instead. I see that as a word rapidly becoming dated, and tend to associate it more, in my mind, with high school. I'm wondering why you can't use the word "pilot" or whatever is more specific? You have a LOT of sci-fi jargon in these first two paragraphs. Letting loose of some of it would help. Along those lines, unless "Digicast" is a brand name (proper name), it would be lower case, ie: digicast. Like the word broadcast isn't written Broadcast when in the middle of a sentence.
As to your hook, I think it's there. I like the imagery of the young man who's a dreamer, but doesn't fit the normal "hero" stereotype. I'd keep reading.
You know my computer issues at the moment, so if you can be patient with my turn around time, I'd be happy to give you a crit. You have my email.
posted
First off - I took robomech as a robotics-mechanic too. However, I agree that it could be confusing and robotech would resolve this issue.
IMHO this could all be condensed into:
Mario Caruso was a robotech on the Space Station Hyperion. Though it had been his childhood dream, he would never be one of the hot-shot flyboys. Yet he wanted to make a difference, somehow.
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