posted
“I’m a fairy, Pete.” “You’re telling me this now?” he answered. “We’ve been together for six months and you’re telling me you’re a lesbian?” “No, I mean I’m an actual fairy tale fairy.” “Okay, what is that supposed to mean?” Gretchen sighed. She had debated telling him for a long time now. But she wanted to get serious with Pete, and she couldn’t do that if she couldn’t be completely honest with him. “Let me show you. Come to the back with me.” Gretchen led him to an empty office. Pete had come to visit her on his lunch break and the words had just come out. She knew that the only way to tell him was to just blurt it out; otherwise she would never gather the courage. They entered the room and closed the door.
posted
I could use a (very) short scene description. You don't say where they are, only that she wants him to "come to the back" and then leads him to an empty office. Are they co-workers at work? In a vacant building? In an apartment?
A sense of her emotions would be good, too. You have her sigh... but what is the accompanying emotion? Fear? Remorse? Anxiety? Going deeper into her POV would help me understand if she feels tremendous trepidation, fear of losing him as a lover/friend? Or is she fairly certain of the relationship but knows it's time to come clean?
I'm not hooked yet, but I would probably skim a few more paragraphs to see how things begin to unfold.
posted
I tend to turn away from stories heavy on dialogue and light on description in the first few lines. I think if you let us know a bit of where they are and how she feels after that first or even second line it would really help.
With the first line when she says she's a fairy, we don't know if this is a quiet, comfortable, safe, well-planned announcement, or a blurted statement in a lunchroom at work.
posted
I too don't want *just* dialog at the start; time and place, and some internal dialog to see what the dialog means. Some rearrangment would do much of this:
quote: “I’m a fairy, Pete,” GRETCHEN SAID. The words just came out. She sighed. She had debated telling him for a long time now. But she wanted to get serious with Pete, and she couldn’t do that if she couldn’t be completely honest with him.
OF COURSE HE MISUNDERSTOOD. “You’re telling me this now?” he answered. “We’ve been together for six months and you’re telling me you’re a lesbian?”
“No, I mean I’m an actual fairy tale fairy.”
“Okay, what is that supposed to mean?”
“Let me show you. Come to the back with me.”...
The rearrangement is clunky, and doesn't say where they are, but I think it's better. You still may not need to start with dialogue. This might be clearer:
quote:Gretchen sighed. Lunch in her office with Pete again, and she could just enjoy it, but . . . she had to say it sometime. "I'm a fairy," she said.
...
I noticed that in your last paragraph you had a lot of past perfect -- Gretchen remembering what it had been like a few paragraphs ago ("the words had just come out") -- which indicates stuff that we could have gotten in the moment.
posted
“He hits you, I didn’t know he hits you.” The opening line to, This far, no further, by John Wessel. Turned out to be a million dollar book.
A dialog opening can be the perfect intro if it’s done well. After thinking on what others said I agree that dialog mixed with setting the scene is preferable but your first line is great. Personally I would probably go with the first two lines of dialog then a little background info inserted.
posted
At first I rejected the advice to put more setting, POV, etc in the first 13 lines. Now that everyone has suggested it, I think I must be wrong, and the rest of you right.
Not really wrong, per se, but there is always a better way. Thanks for the advice, it has been valuable.
Also--the first thought that struck me is--this is reminiscent of Laurell K. Hamilton's Meredith Gentry series.
It would be interesting if the roles were reversed, but that would lead to gay-rights-activists claiming that it was an intentional slur. Look at what happened with the complaints that circulated around the Phantom Menace's character Jar Jar Binks. People were actually claiming that Lucas was intending racial slurs when the character started talking "like a Jamaican". Ironically, the (African-American) actor that portrayed Binks was allowed to invent his speech. That it was a pseudo-islander accent, had nothing to do with Lucas. The accuser was never called on the stereotyping that "like a Jamaican" implied, they just attempted to cover it by saying it was a vestige of Old Hollywood's comedy relief, which failed miserably. Even more irony, only caucasian's cpmlained of the injustice.
Sorry - LOL - I got off on a bit of a rant there.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 07, 2007).]
posted
"Wouldn't six-months constitute getting serious?" Depends on the relationship. For me, yes. For most people I've known, six months can be casual. I'm often surprised that people have been together for a year or more without any kind of commitment beyond dating.
"This is reminiscent of Laurell K. Hamilton's Meredith Gentry series." Laurell K. Who? Isn't she the one with the sexy covers on her books? Never cracked one open. I think people would think I'm a pervert Just kidding, seriously, never read any of her work.
Matt
By the way, could someone tell me how to use those cool quote things with the lines above and below? I looked around the site trying to figure it out. I even went through the "Read this before posting" and "FAQ" sections.
posted
Sure, just type [ then QUOTE then] at the beginning and [ then / then QUOTE then ] at the end. Replace the "Quote" with "I" or "B" for italics or bold.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 07, 2007).]
quote: Sure, just type [ then QUOTE then] at the beginning and [ then / then QUOTE then ] at the end. Replace the "Quote" with "I" or "B" for italics or bold.
Let's see if that works.
Matt
PS: Sweet. It's the simple things in life.
[This message has been edited by RMatthewWare (edited March 07, 2007).]
“I’m a fairy, Pete,” Gretchen just blurted it out. She wanted to get serious with him and it had to come out eventually. “You’re telling me this now?” he answered. “We’ve been together for six months and you’re telling me you’re a lesbian?” Gretchen sighed. It was her lunch break. She should have planned this better, but planning hadn’t gotten her very far. “No, I mean I’m an actual fairy tale fairy.” “Okay, what is that supposed to mean?” “Let me show you. Come to the back with me.” Gretchen led him to an empty office. They entered the room and closed the door. “Just relax,” she said. “I’m going to show you. Don’t be afraid.”
Matt
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 08, 2007).]
Problem: you switch POV at the end. Whose story is this, Gretchen's or Pete's? Omniscient POV isn't a crime, but I think most of us would rather dive in deep to one POV or the other.
I cant get along with the second line. I'm not experianced enough to tell you why it doesnt flow properly for me, but I'd go with something more like, “What? We’ve been together for six months and only now you’re deciding to tell me you’re a lesbian?”
I'm sorry but I love this story, just the first line has me smiling and hooked. I've never been frustrated by the 13 rule because I want to know what happens next before.
posted
I'm also stumbling on the revised 1st and second line. It's the characterization of the relationship - maybe I've been out of the playing field too long, but "wanted to get serious with him" and "we've been together six months" don't jive for me. He says "been together" which in my experience generally means serious, or at least exclusive...particularly when the man says it and has some idea of duration. So maybe it's that it feels incongruous to me to have her wanting to get serious and him talking about them being together. Sorry, I know this is nit-picky, but I think there might be a better way.
Why does she really want to show him she's a fairy? She wants him to understand her? She needs for him to know because she's had to hide some type of change that happens on full moons from him lo these 6 months? She feels like she's been lying to him? She is tired of the charade? Why did it have to come out eventually? Maybe something along the lines of: "She didn't know why she had kept her secret from him so long, she was falling in love..."
Aha! That's what it is about "get serious..." - is she falling in love or not??? Answer that question, the getting serious makes a whole lot more sense if I feel like she loves him.
posted
I think you are going for the wrong sort of description. It's irrelevant (so far) that it's Gretchen's lunch break. I STILL don't know where she is, nor whether he's a co-worker as well as being a lover. Think of this like an artist's sketch pad. We don't know what the picture is until you draw it for us.
Here's an example of how you can sketch in a couple of relevant details without diverting into an infodump:
Gretchen looked up nervously (how she feels about the approaching moment) from her desk as she saw Pete approach across the office. (she's at her desk, they are in an office) He smiled at her with that warm and goofy smile she'd fallen in love with from the first day he started working at Cenron Corporate. (they work together, met at work) She'd been practicing her speech for days. (This is a considered decision, not an impulse revelation.) (These bare details are all I would need in the moment.)
"I have something to tell you...I’m a fairy, Pete,” Gretchen just blurted it out. She wanted to get serious with him and it had to come out eventually...
One of many possibilities, but you can see how easy it is to weave in a word or two to pin down enough imagery to carry the reader into the next page. We don't need an infodump of description. One or two words giving us a sketchy location to frame the scene in our minds is all we need. Then we can focus on the dialog.
posted
I think you should delve more into Gretchen's POV. Show us how nervous she is - she wrings her hands, she drops a glass, her voice comes out too high-pitched, she stutters.
To repeat what some of the others have said, give us a little more info on the setting. It doesn't have to be much. Maybe mention the chatter of co-workers around them, or the sound of phones ringing. Something just to give a teensy more detail.
posted
I'm coming into this kind of late and my take on it may be overlooked, but here goes:
A lot of people are saying that a story that starts with dialog isn't a good hook. This is untrue. A lot of stories start with dialog and are big sellers. I've also seen many of the stories I've read in my very limited time on the site so far start with dialog - about half.
I think what we, the people critiquing your work, are trying to say is that it is much harder to start a story with dialog, not that you shouldn't do so at all.
So when you're writing any story, you have to ask yourself a few questions. First, "Am I confident enough in this dialog being a good hook to the story, and my ability to write it?" Second, "is the dialog long enough to seem like a real conversation, but not so long I'll lose what hook I establish by opening with this?" Third, "am I writing this thing for others (to sell) or for myself (writing exercise)?"
Of course if you're getting it critiqued there's a good chance you have a finished product you want to sell, but things like opening a short story with a dialog can make great writing exercises.
My personal opinion is that it's a good hook; I snickered a little at the first two lines. And no, I don't think gay rights activists would jump on "fairy" if you reversed roles, since so many male homosexuals have begun using the word "fairy" in jest themselves. After those two lines is when you should start throwing in more descriptive writing, like their setting, their names, and such.
posted
I like this opening sort of. It has possibilities.
“I’m a fairy, Pete,” Gretchen just blurted it out. She wanted to get serious with him and it had to come out eventually.
“You’re telling me this now?” he answered. “We’ve been together for six months and you’re telling me you’re a lesbian?” Gretchen sighed. It was her lunch break. She should have planned this better, but planning hadn’t gotten her very far. “No, I mean I’m an actual fairy tale fairy.” “Okay, what is that supposed to mean?”
My first problem is the "he answered" in the second paragraph. It interrupts the flow and it isn't REALLY necessary. I think the reader would pick up on boyfriend from what you said in the first paragraph.
Then the "Okay, what is that supposed to mean?" is where you lose me. It just doesn't fit. More something like "Okay, and so --"
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Answer that question, the getting serious makes a whole lot more sense if I feel like she loves him.
