posted
This one spiraled into territory I had no idea was coming. I'd probably call this my first 'organic' story, in that most of the time I have a plan. This time I didn't. So far it's about 3,000 words.
"Have you ever lain real still at night and listened to your heart beating?" the man asked. "Yes." the boy replied. "Your heart starts to rise into your ears." the man said. "You ever experience that?" "Yeah..." the boy replied. "And somewhere, behind your heartbeat," the man said, "there's a dull roar, almost like static on the radio." The boy turned toward the man. "I think I've noticed that." The man smiled. "That's the creation of the Universe you're hearing, boy. We're all traveling with the Universe. But what if the Universe could take us just a little bit further..." The man straightened up. "That's exactly what my machine will do." He announced, addressing the crowd around the boy.
posted
From the few clues we're giving for the first few lines, I'm imagining a boy and man sitting or lying next to each other under the stars and having a private conversation. Even the sentence "The boy turned toward the man" fits with that image. Then, suddenly we find out that there's this crowd standing around them.
First, as a reader, I'd like some sense of setting earlier so that I'm not thrown out of the story by finding out that I'm wrong.
Second, if the man is talking to a boy in a crowd, why isn't the boy already facing the man he's talking with? Why does the boy have to turn toward the man in the above quoted sentence?
* Pick a POV character, and tell us who it is in line 1. * Name your characters. * Tell us where they are, up front. I was surprised to find that there was a crowd nearby. * Let us know the significance of the conversation to the POV character.
Starting so dialog heavy does create a vaccum where the reader's mind fills in the details. I pictured what everyone else pictured, which turned out wrong and jolting when corrected.
posted
I'm going to both agree and disagree with everyone else.
While I was surprised to find the boy in the midst of the crowd, I found the surprise somewhat pleasing. I often like it when one detail in a paragraph suddenly changes the dynamic of the scene, if it's done well. Here, I thought it was the intended effect.
posted
Hi, Justin, we meet again... Hey, you've got a pretty deft touch with dialogue. While I agree with many of the suggestions you've gotten, you've definitely got some strong suits in your hand. I would like what I think of as a mind-picture (or at least a few bits or hints thereof) sooner, and while a clearer POV might be good sooner, sometimes I don't mind sort of an impartial/distant third person for awhile as a story gels. I like to see some things develop more slowly and organically, but I'll be the first to admit that some of my tastes are a bit old-fashioned, not that I don't enjoy many new writers too.
Your dialogue shows much promise though. You've either studied hard, practiced a long time, or have a strong natural instinct in that direction (or some combo thereof! ) You've got a good feel for where to put unobtrusive but necessary attributions and where to alter that with beats. The things your characters say have a good, natural flow and give at least some indication as to character. Now work in just a few deft mind-picture clues. You don't have to paint a portrait, just a few strokes. A clue as to relative ages or a hint or two at appearance or something. I did find it somewhat disconcerting when he stood up, and my mind stopped to think about what position he might have been in to start with, and names sooner would be good. Did they know each other before this story begins or have they just met and would they be exchanging names? Presuming they're important characters, but one would think so, since you gave them the whole of that precious thirteen. <grin>
I definitely found it interesting, and slightly reminiscent in feel of that Heinlein story about Dr. Pinero, which I've always liked. I can't commit to reading anything long right now. I mispoke myself while on meno-pilot earlier in the week, and by the time I wake up it will be less than two weeks before I have to be ready to leave for CA. I just hope the weather is more conducive to pruning this weekend than it was the last two! Oy. Need sleep. Now.
Good luck with what could be a very interesting story, Justin, and keep up the good dialogue. Write on.
posted
I have to mostly agree with what the previous commentors have said. Personally, I'm not the biggest fan of stories that open with a block of uninterrupted dialogue because of some of the things mentioned: POV ambiguity, setting ambiguity, etc. The exception is when the dialogue reveals a character with a goal and some sort of opposition to that goal.
At minimum, I'd suggest establishing a POV by doing something as simple as conveying a thought from the POV character either before or after his first spoken line, or after the other speaker's first spoken line; or if the POV character is an observer of the man/boy's conversation, then before the conversation starts. I would guess the latter is more likely, because the man wouldn't think of himself as "the man" and the boy wouldn't think of himself as "the boy".
posted
I wouldn't tag every line of dialog. Get us started then let us figure out who's talking.
The location is tricky for me. The man is asking this kid if he's experienced this. Maybe he should show him. If they were outside talking, at night, under the stars, he could ask the boy to lay still and listen to his heart beat. He can ask the boy what he feels, what he is experiencing. The scene didn't seem right with the crowd.
But you do have an intriguing start. I personally have no problem starting with dialog. It gets me engaged with a character before I have to figure out the scene.
posted
I feel the dialogue is strong. I think it only needs a couple of touches to establish a few things. For example, "A murmur of agreement ran through the crowd."
I agree with the previous comments that it would help to establish PoV, setting, tone and the crowd earlier. Perhaps consider the addition of a single sentence of moderate length before the dialogue and at least one name (PoV).
The importance of this can be in what you intend to do with the story. If you're sending it to an editor, remember this might be all she sees of the story before your chance to impress is gone.
It might be a personal pet peeve, but I don't like stories that open with conversation and leave you wondering who, what, where and why. If I was an editor--and I'm not--I wouldn't have made it to the crowd. Again, that's just me. We're all different.
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Hey, you've got a pretty deft touch with dialogue. While I agree with many of the suggestions you've gotten, you've definitely got some strong suits in your hand. I would like what I think of as a mind-picture (or at least a few bits or hints thereof) sooner, and while a clearer POV might be good sooner, sometimes I don't mind sort of an impartial/distant third person for awhile as a story gels. I like to see some things develop more slowly and organically, but I'll be the first to admit that some of my tastes are a bit old-fashioned, not that I don't enjoy many new writers too.
) You've got a good feel for where to put unobtrusive but necessary attributions and where to alter that with beats. The things your characters say have a good, natural flow and give at least some indication as to character. Now work in just a few deft mind-picture clues. You don't have to paint a portrait, just a few strokes. A clue as to relative ages or a hint or two at appearance or something. I did find it somewhat disconcerting when he stood up, and my mind stopped to think about what position he might have been in to start with, and names sooner would be good. Did they know each other before this story begins or have they just met and would they be exchanging names? Presuming they're important characters, but one would think so, since you gave them the whole of that precious thirteen. <grin>
Oy. Need sleep. Now.
