posted
Submitted for your evaluation, the first 13 lines of an SF story that is dangerously close to completion. Comments welcome - Would you read on?
The large airlocks slid closed across the monorail track at both ends of the receiving terminal, sealing it off from the lunar vacuum. It took two minutes for the air pressure to equalize with that of the inside of the passenger car. Gordon Burke took one last look at the grainy black and white photo that prompted the company to send him here very suddenly, slipped it back in its file folder, and put the entire folder into his bag. He looked out of the small window in the door and saw a foreman wearing a hard hat and a confused look on his face, talking to a slender brunette in a female executive's dark, pin-striped power suit. The man was flipping pages on his clipboard, looking as though he were explaining that he had no idea of the tram's arrival today.
"looking as though he were explaining that he had no idea of the tram's arrival today" feels a bit like you're cheating -- he can't know that in his POV, but you want to let us know what the foreman is thinking anyway. If Burke knows that he's arriving on an unscheduled tram, then I'd make it say something like "...on his clipboard, no doubt searching fruitlessly for the tram's arrival information."
The tram's unexpected arrival is your hook (currently, at least), so don't let any of the extra words make it slip past your first manuscript page.
posted
this is just a nit. I was pulled through you opening so far, but you had too many long sentences. You might consider breaking them up a little.
He looked out of the small window in the door and saw a foreman wearing a hard hat and a confused look on his face, talking to a slender brunette in a female executive's dark, pin-striped power suit.
This is where I broke down. The one sentence has too many ideas in it after the long one about the photo that it follows.
You could break it into two parts. He looked out the small window in the door. On the platform a foreman wearing a hard hat was flipping pages....
posted
A nice beginning, but I agree the sentences are a bit unwieldy as composed right now. Also there are a few places where the writing is a little wordy - ..."equalize with that of the inside of the"
Ditto on the POV issue Oliver noted.
Lastly, I think the sentence Gordon Burke took one last look at the grainy black and white photo that had prompted the company to send him here very suddenly reads better/clearer in past perfect (minor point)
posted
I don't think "very suddenly" are encessary words. I think that the suddenness of his trip/arrival is portayed with the unexpected arrival of the tram.
As to your PoV issue: You could have everyone staring at Gordon Burke, as the tram pulls in. Add some mumbling/murmuring to the stares, as he gets out, and it'll portray the oddness of Burke's arrival. Or he could overhear the brunette asking why the tram is pulling in, as he disembarks.
Ordinarily I would insist on knowing what that photo's about, but I think we know enough for right now (it's company business, and Burke doesn't have a personal stake -- if this is not the case, I'm going to feel tricked).
You may have too many details about characters that we know nothing about, but if the next scene involves foreman and executive woman, that's not a problem.
posted
"dangerously close to completion." - I liked that.
Back to the real issue:
Yes, I would read on. Nice job.
NITS - (And I only nit at this detail because I think it's good and worth the effort to nit)
Why do I need to know it takes 2 minutes to repressurize the passanger car? I'm going to assume it takes some time since your first sentance tells me it just came from a vaccum, which is why he's not rushing to exit
quote: Gordon Burke took one last look at the grainy black and white photo that prompted the company to send him here very suddenly, slipped it back in its file folder, and put the entire folder into his bag.
Whew! Had to catch my breath after reading that. Try to break it down and delete unnecessary words.
Ex - "here very suddenly" is redundant of what I already know.
"slipped it back . . . bag " can be made into its own sentance and trimmed. "He slipped the picture into the folder and put it into his bag."
"He looked" isn't necessary. He's (so far) my POV and if you tell me what's outside the window, I'll know he looked. Do I need to know the window is in the door?
Just "outside the window, a foreman with a confused look was talking to a slender brunette in a power suit" tells me everything I need to know without losing your feel.
Ditto on the POV violation of the last line. Oilver's suggested fix would work for me.
posted
Thanks, everyone, for your comments. They were all sensible and useful.
As for Kings question... It took the two minutes to pressurize the enclosed loading dock outside of the passenger car, not the inside of the car itself.
I'll check how I have that written to be sure its clear.
posted
That was my typing faster then prudence dictates. I understood it was the area around the train and not inside (otherwise our faithful hero wouldn't be breathing). My issue is that the 2 minutes isn't important (or at least it doesn't seem to be) so you don't need to mention it. Don't waste one of your first 13 lines on an unimportant detail.
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posted
Nice opening--I would read on. I think Sentence 2 could be eliminated altogether without harming the exposition.
I personally like long complex sentences, but agree that interspersing complex ones with short, simple ones can make it easier for the reader to follow.
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